Schnippshly

At first I found myself surprisingly addicted to this game. However, I can't get past the second level because multiple times now I've had game-breaking bugs related to builders not cutting down trees or building walls. If not for that I would have kept going, but regardless, the game is way too simple and tedious. There's just not much to it. It's not very consistent and many things are unclear, like who is the guy that spawns at a level 4 base? Some kind of tax collector who doesn't collect taxes? Why does the trader sometimes charge me a coin and sometimes doesn't, and just how long does he have to sit in my base before he drops money, and how much longer before I can pay him to leave? A lot of stuff is just poorly designed. Level 1 farms never produce money. You can't tell an archer to get out of a tower, even if the tower is not useful at all. Why is destroying the trader and destroying villager spawns an option? Sometimes you will have to because the randomly generated levels will generate very poorly (they often do). The absolute worst part is the traveling. You have to be constantly traveling, which takes a long time. Your horse can run, but he has to rest for longer than the amount of time he can run (or you can stand still for 5 seconds to eat some grass as long as there are no trees within 100 miles). The game looks nice at first, but it's the same crap over and over. There will be huge stretches of screen with nothing in them at all. Your territory can be huge, but there's hardly anything to put down in it. You can make farms, walls and towers, that's it. You can pay an archer shrine to power up your archers. You run around. Just so shallow. Even free would be too high a price for so much wasted time.

Yawn, 8 player multiplayer, seriously, who came up with that? It's such boring garbage even when I am beating people down. The levels are big and sparsely populated. This game has a ton of potential, great graphics and gameplay, controls great with lots of weapon variety and such. The campaign is still just a brief, linear foray. What good is that in a portable game? When I'm away from the Internet, I want to have a replayable experience, not an 8 hour campaign with zero replay value. And then when I'm near the Internet, which is almost only ever at my house, why would I want to play 8 player Killzone on the Vita when I could play 32 player Killzone on the PS3? If a portable game is going to have multiplayer, then it should be fun enough that it would be suitable for a console game. Otherwise, why would I sit in my house and play it? This is worth a rental for the brief campaign, nothing more.

Some overpaid clown on a review site told me Resident Evil 6 is TERRIBLE and I believe it because I watched a video but have never played the game or its two predecessors/played the first 10 minutes of the game after having bought the game for $60 without playing the demo first/am an idiot. I think this game is bad because it isn't scary and there is too much action and also there are quick time events. It is OK if God of War is nothing but quick time events but every half an hour Resident Evil 6 has a quick time event so I don't like it. Resident Evil 4 and 5 did not have any quick time events at all and were super scary and they were not third person shooters with any amount of action. They just had lots of running around and backtracking through empty hallways, combining arbitrary objects into keys while auto-aiming at zombies that had way too much health. I liked it better when it took more than an entire magazine from a pistol just to kill a single zombie. Those were the good, old days, back when no skill or thought was required to play the game. Resident Evil 6 shouldn't have changed the formula set by Resident Evil 4 and 5, 4 having come out in 2004 and 5 having come out in 2009. Wait, you mean to tell me Resident Evil 4 and Resident Evil 5 are also third person shooters full of quick time events and lots of action and the same camera angle with comparable controls and gameplay? You're saying that Resident Evil 6 actually has less quick time events because now dodge rolling is a manual function? That Resident Evil 6 is really fun and that comparing it to crappy PS1 games that came out 16 years ago is stupid and that I should have complained about the change back in 2004? Then maybe I should shut my stupid mouth about how Resident Evil 6 is "different" from the rest of the Resident Evil series and enjoy it as a genuinely good game with a couple of issues that don't ruin the overall experience.

Oh, that's cool, evidently movies are filed under games in the PSP section of Metacritic. I mean, it's on a game console, and it comes on a disc, and the games on the game console also come on the same format of disc, so the only logical conclusion is that Advent Children is a game. I love playing as Cloud but I can't get him to do anything besides the same thing he does every single time during the first two hours of gameplay. It's like Final Fantasy XIII all over again! Wait, did I say first two hours of gameplay? I meant only two hours! This game is such a rip-off, it's so short, way shorter than any other Final Fantasy. I remember the original Final Fantasy VII had four discs (or was it twenty-seven?) and lasted at least three hours. For shame.

The only thing better than the poopy-brown graphics is the horrible, Monster Hunter-esque controls, coupled with tons of dialogue with no voice acting and some kind of autistic army management system. This game has hours and hours worth of exciting gameplay, slowly trudging around the blocky levels, not being able to crouch-walk but still having a third person camera implying that you could. My favorite thing to do is to play as characters who aren't even Snake, such as guys who are in disguise, invalidating stealth. The team-based action really gets me going, too. What happens is, you get a bunch of guys and hide them in boxes all over the level, right? As if that wasn't awesome enough, you can switch between them by hiding whoever you're playing as in a box. That's not even the most exciting part! If you're ever in danger, your box-hiding comrades absolutely will not help you because box-hiding is just a way to make a team-based game with no teamwork and the developers were too lazy to program friendly AI. So cool!!!

My favorite part of this high-intensity action game is wandering around hallways with no enemies, pushing blocks around for fifteen minutes. So badass! The great graphics really enhance the hardcore "press square repeatedly to kill everything on screen and automatically win" gameplay. I like to watch Jersey Shore unironically, so you can imagine how much I appreciate shallow things.

How do they expect me to play this? The controls are perfect instead of being all awkward and stupid like Monster Hunter, the stealth and action are both effective and fun, and there isn't nine hours of cutscenes! Just awful. Do not buy.

You're right, Operation Flashpoint: Red River, who needs tanks and helicopters and hummers with machine guns when you can just walk everywhere? Tell me, reader, what do you think would happen if four US Marines with no characterization or personality had to fight the entirety of China by themselves without any support? If you guessed "They would win hardcore", YOU ARE CORRECT.

I thought this game was supposed to be a military combat simulator, but actually it's some kind of military tedious walking simulator, which is cool too, if you're into that sort of thing. I believe the game designers wanted to create a game with a realistic interpretation of what it would be like if a war was fought between a bunch of complete idiots, and in that manner, they excel. In real life, if you're one guy in command of three other guys who have serious brain damage, you're probably going to lose, right? That's exactly what happens in this game! So real.