Zebunker

Iron Man is an above average comic book movie. I don't know if that's saying much. I enjoy it for what it is. It’s a fun movie if you have a home theater system and sludge if you don't. The plot is full of holes, and the action bits are bland compared to what has been seen of the character in past comics and cartoons. It’s hard to cheer much for Iron Man when everything comes so easy for him, he's just not a very likable or believable character. And that might be what's most wrong with Iron Man. In looking back at this film one can't help but not the sequels that came after and all the casting drama that followed. This film feels childish, like it came out in the 90's. We have a setup of the origin of Iron Man, but what really needed was a setup story of Tony Stark first. We jump right in and he has no troubles really in the world. He has no real conflict or struggles. Even later his brilliant engineering skills just seem to come out of now where. It does not make him feel human. The characters in this movie are very bland. Who do you connect with? The only ones that have a shred of connection are the terrorists and Shaun Toub as Yinsen. I think kids like Iron Man because of the tech he has. Or the attraction of dancing strippers of his own plane. But it’s so shallow, we don't care collectively about Tony Stark at all. Then when you throw on the super suit, he's lost even more. Like I said earlier it’s a fun, turn your brain off for 2 hours kind of movie. The main villain is so predictable and out of place. What a waste of Jeff Freakin Bridges! So much more could come out of it and the sequels improve on this but this first flight of Iron Man is just that a comic book movie for all the pains and praise that might bring. Crank up that sound system baby! Best Actor : Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts The obvious choice would be to pick Robert Downey Jr. as Iron Man. But really he's just playing himself. Or his onscreen persona much like Matthew Mcconaughey does in Mcconaughey things. Like bad car commercials. Gwyneth Paltrow has some character to her, we learn things about her. She changes in the way she things about Tony Stark, well at least a little. The other characters in the movie don't change at all, they just do different things, that's not character development. Paltrow has an innocent quality and seems to glow on the screen. She's fun to watch. I wish she had more to do in the film. It’s a shame she pretty much got axed out of the series. Worst Actor: Terrence Howard as James "Rhodey" Rhodes It’s no wonder why he was re-cast in the second film. Spewing out bad military one-liners and flag waving propaganda is really not that hard. Anybody on Fox News does it every day. So why is watching him in this film so ear bleeding bad? We care nothing about him at all to boot. Best Scene: Big Robot Battle The lead up is the big battle at the end. And while it’s fun, it’s not really epic and kind of predictable. The fact that Obadiah could build a more improved suit and bigger than Iron Man in a short amount of time. What seemed like mere hours in movie time is ridiculous. While we get the idea that Stark's company is huge, like Wal-Mart in scale. He builds the robot at the main plant right? How could Tony not know about it or how could they figure out how to do that. Lame. The most interesting character scenes are when Obadiah comes in and paralyses Tony with some weird Men in Black device. I think he steals something from him. I forgot. It’s not important. Well Obadiah clearly wanted Tony dead and just like 5 minutes later tries to kill him in the suit, so why not just kill him right there on the couch. Ugh. Worse plot hole than a James Bond Villain. Again Potts sneaks into Stark to steal plans or research and confronts Obadiah. This is a fun scene, you don't know what's going to happen. But he lets her go. Again, idiot. No wonder you are second in command. Bridges' character really needed a makeover and bigger motivation than greed. Worst Scene : Desert Base Building The idea that Stark could build an iron man suit in a cave in the middle of the desert under the cameras and watch of terrorists is absolutely crazy. At least take your audience out of the movie at the one hour mark not 10 minutes in. Even then we are not seeing Stark struggle with how to do this or planning it out. We are following the events through the terrorist eyes, not Stark. Well, the terrorist’s names are not on the movie title. Just dumb slog. Hits • Cool action bits • Jeff Freakin Bridges! • Iron Man on screen for the first time. Misses • Obligatory Iron Man Black Sabbath Song at the end. • More plot holes than there are stars in our galaxy. • Flat one sided characters we care nothing about. Rating: D

Life. What is life. We live in a time when life is not appreciated. It’s not cherished. We are the cattle. And the city, the city is our master…So Gangster Squad is trying to be a classic noir film full of mystery, intrigue, well developed characters and twists and turns at every turn right. Wrong. Gangster Squad is the truck driver’s version of modern classics like The Untouchables, Once Upon A Time In America, Carlito’s Way to name a few. The film is complete and utter trailer trash. It’s bound to be a top rental at dirty super gas stations along your state’s major interstates. The only thing grosser to look at would be the trailer stop hookers. Its’ as if the producers and directors set out to make a period film but never have once watched any of the movies that inspire this idea. On paper all the parts are there. Good assortment of actors. Some character actors and old veterans. There is a pretty female love interest for the ladies. And presumably a huge budget to work with. One can image great scenes recreated to bring the beauty and shine of the 40’s to life on the screen. Dare we say Oscar performances or the next Godfather? Nope. No way! In a bland and cookie cutter story line we follow the main protagonist who’s only real motivation is that he killed people in the war and can’t stop it. Or did we miss something. One of the real draws to the trucker crowd which this most surly be aimed is to use guns to fight gun violence. It shows nothing of the time period, the sensibilities, attitudes or history these characters are running around in. It’s not even that pretty to look at. Most of the film is shot in this pseudo film noir style but it just comes across too dark as if they did not have enough lights on set. Everything becomes muddy and blends end. There is not enough contrast or interest to keep your attention for more than a few moments. We get very brief establishing shots and the normal flow of scenes are all focused too close in to make an epic feel of a movie which the director was trying to achieve. At times the action is fun and exciting and you really want to get into it but the zoomed in camera angles make you want to turn away in fear of getting a seizure and puking on the person sitting next to you. One example is the car chase shootout. The camera bobbles and switches back and forth more quickly than a republican trying to avoid a question about climate change. These moves can either be stylized in which case people have really bad tastes that are making these new modern movies or that all the background is CGI and they want to hide it all so they are forced to film it in horrendous ways. How can the filmmakers sleep at night knowing this is the finished product? Audiences want to see a shootout. See a car chase. We don’t’ want to be in the car chase. We are not an actor in the movie we are sitting having you show and tell us a story. Basics. It’s a shame really. The focus on CGI for things like gunshot smoke and fire and things that break is absurd. This is a movie that needs not CGI. You can see clear examples of this in decade’s worth or more watchable and enjoyable police and crime dramas. Even some Steven Segal films are better done this and that’s something nobody wants to hear. Best Actor The acting in this film is all over the place. While it feels natural at most parts there are some people that do better than others. Josh Brolin plays the main lead, a cop who just can’t seem to get away from being in WW2. He’s a jar head and has no character development at all. We don’t care about him, his perfect hair and teeth or his pregnant wife. Worst Actor Tie Ryan Gosling plays another sergeant but unlike Brolin this time Gosling is almost as if he were impersonating somebody in the 40’s. Much you would do about chiming up an impersonation of Groucho Marks as if everybody acted and talked like him. It never felt like Ryan was in the time period, it felt like he was acting. And that hammy accent he tried to pulled off. Every time he spoke I wished he’d get hit by a stray bullet. The fact that he instantly gets the mob bosses girl without even talking to her is mind-numbing. The pay-off is getting the girl at the end. Geez people. What is Sean Penn doing in this role? It’s like a spoof of Tom Cruise as Les Grossman in Tropic Thunder. That’s all you will be thinking about has he lays down the most barbaric and Neanderthal like lines. Truck drivers will easily be able to repeat them on their CB radio. The problem with mobster movies is always making the boss seem like an idiot. They are not. They are incredibly smart. How do you think they can manipulate the system and get away scot free so often throughout history? Give the main villain more credit and make him a threat. It will make the audience hate him more and cheer the heroes on more. What’s with Penn’s face make-up? I know makeup artists gotta practice but save that for high school dance recitals.

This review is being written in the past. You may end up reading this in 20 years. Hopefully, not because X-Men Days of Future Past is considered a classic but because humor never dies. Where to begin to talk about this movie is the question. Have you seen X-Men before? It’s all the same right. (dodges level 5 lightning bolts from hardcore nerd fans). What makes this film different or attempts to be different is the idea that time is ****’ve seen Back to The Future right? Combine that with the X-Men universe and you get this film. Minus Doc Brown sadly. The movie takes some contractually obligated actors from the prior franchise films and some newcomers that nobody has any interest in and throws them in the middle of this movie. For the first part of it you are trying to catch up. You will be sitting in the theater thinking things like, What happened in Xmen 3? Is that now not real. Who is this white blonde hair kid? Why can the lady throw purple portals? What’s up with the gun with the red eyes? And a whole host of other things. Even the on-screen presence of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, Patrick Stewart as Prof. X and Ian McKellen seem to be confused as why they are there. The last two hardly make a motion outside of the initial room they are in at the start of the movie. What a dream for an actor. In what amounts to spending only a few pages of dialog with the best actors. Just feels bland. They even seem sad or maybe they are trying to be in character. It’s just sad watching them. They’ve done their part for king and country let them go make art films or act in theater plays. Maybe Patrick Stewart can re-boot a worthy Star Trek series again. Something that will help humanity more than another slugfest of a comic book movie. Nobody wants to watch these anymore. At this point one can’t comment on how well or poorly the movie is done. It’s simply a matter of comparing it to the prior films. It’s certainly more enjoyable and tries to have some heart that many of the other recent films have not. It does not have that sled being pulled of having to be an origin story. But we’ve come so far as an audience past those origins that this is what we are left with. A tale so generic and predictable that no right minded comic book editor would give it a green light not to mention being made into a film. It’s such a bad movie that series hoarder of credits, Stan Lee refused to make a cameo in it. That’s a tag line that should be on the poster. It’s enjoyable for a while. There are parts where you might cheer and other parts where you duck you heard in embarrassment. The high amount of dialog means this pop-corn movie is not very well buttered, so easy off on eating while watching it or you might miss some of the dialog because the action will leave you with a salty feeling in your mouth wanting more. O, so much more. Its movies like these that make theaters show the warnings not to text during the movie.

20 minutes in I did not know what was going on. 30 minutes in I wondered what I was watching. Is this a dark comedy? Why is the sniper guy from Saving Private Ryan in this, and in a suit. Where's his rifle? 40 minutes in I stopped to make tacos. After the most amazing tacos I tried again. 10 minutes later I stopped. What am I watching? There is about an hour left of movie. I'm not going to watch it. Dialog blows by so fast. It's full of words, it needs edited. It sounds like it's trying to be Catch Me If You Can meets Reservoir Dogs. It just does not work at all. It's too hard to follow what's going on, unless you are an expert in politics or followed this story and read every article about it. Understanding the plot of Mission Impossible is easier. Make tacos instead.

The third in the series of the original films often gets the least praise it seems like. People really like to bash on the little ewoks for some reason. It was the prior generation’s jar-jar binks I suppose. Despite this fans got a thrilling conclusion to the series with some of the best special effects ever seen on the screen. It’s really a shame they did not start making 3 more star wars movies right after Return of the Jedi was completed. With the advanced special effects and actors more mature it could have been so amazing! What’s nice about the third film is seeing how the actors have changed over the years. Luke really does look like an adult now. He plays on the border of light and dark. And watching the movie you think it could go in many ways. There is much to enjoy and re-enjoy as you watch this movie over and over again. I love every bit of it. Spoilers Below Best Actor Mark Hamil’s Luke Skywalker does the best job I think for this final film. The focus was really on him and it’s great to see the character changed in this one. He holds his outbursts in more and Han serves that purpose more. Luke is very focused on his task and you can see how he’s trying to hold it all together throughout the movie. In some ways there are not as many surprises in this move as the first two in the trilogy. It’s wrapping up what was said in the first two, especially the 2nd. That might be a drawback to this film. But it’s really tense not knowing which characters will make it through to the end. All heads of the river coming to the end as it were which is really fantastic. In second place would be the emperor. It was a trick role to play. Does he act crazy or in control. Too much and it would seem cheesy and too much might seem to dark and absent for somebody that is supposed to be the leader of the dark side. Once again could you imagine how awesome these would be if they were rated r! Worst Actor This is a hard one to pick. I’d maybe pick Leia and Admiral Ackbar. Leia is in the movie a lot but she seems to be missing that edge she used to have. She just kind of goes along with being a slave girl. Later with the ewoks she seems sympathetic almost like she’s on a vacation. Maybe Han’s making her soft. But it seemed off a bit. While admiral Ackbar is only a minor role it could have been much more. I would’ve liked to seen more radio chatter with him directing the big capital ships. And more command people directing what’s going on. Just to give a bigger attack scale. Best Scene Story wise the best scenes are at the end with Luke & Vader and the emperor. The scene on the radar station walkway and the spire tower. These don’t really need to be explained why. But as just a fan of movies I loved the epic space battle. It was so amazing. It still is. Nothing really has topped it yet. And think how long ago it was. Going inside the new death star was a nice spin and it looked amazing and flew by so fast. So many great scenes and moments in this movie. But now in reviewing this movie I appreciate the Jabba scenes a lot more. They are filled the brim with so many alien characters and details. It’s a feast for the eyes and ears. Worst Scene When I’d watch the movie as a younger person I thought the Jabba scenes lasted too long. Maybe combine Luke & Leia’s story. She brings chewie and Luke sneaks in and they both fall into the ranchor pit. It seemed like the section was too long. Maybe it was knowing as a kid the more exciting, for a kid, ewoks and space battles were coming up. And I could simply not sit still anymore. Having a longer Yoda scene would’ve been nice. It was just too convenient to have him die the exact 10 mins that Luke was there. Hits - Epic conclusion to the saga! - Love always wins. - Best space battle, Ewoks! Did I say Ewoks! Misses - Short lightsaber battle. Too much cutting back and forth. - Lando needed a side-story / mission. - Not seeing the emperor saber fight. Grade A

Remember those old 50's monster movies from the drive-in. The ones that tacked on love stories to get women to the drive-ins. The big payoff came at the very end. Moments from the credits. Imagine that same formula but you hardly see the monsters or it cuts away to forced family drama when all you want to see is a monster destroy a city. What if the director did this 3 times in the movie. Welcome to Godzilla. Take any of the movies that have the world Godzilla or monster in them and they will be 100x better than this. Even the dous equis guy would agree with me!

It’s Star Wars. It was not ruined by trailers. It has tons of hype. It’s an experience going to see it and that’s about the best thing you can say about the movie. While the movie was a letdown it certainly fits in somewhat. Hardcore fans will be upset but new comers might find an above average blockbuster. One that certainly seems more fitting to be released in the summer. Maybe around May 22nd… The film can be described sadly as a re-make of A New Hope. Some characters are playing different roles than there character did in the original films which is jar jarring to watch. There are some very non-star wars elements that creep in and halt the progression and pacing. It’s very messy technically speaking. It’s nice to look at, it’s hitting some of the same notches but all the instruments seem to be out of tune. It seems to look well worn, like the originals. But somehow feels barren of cool background stuff to enjoy looking at. Save for Harrison Ford’s performance, which saved this film. Go and watch it for the experience. Enjoy the popcorn. Just don’t think about it too much or your childhood might be ruined forever. Spoilers below Best Actor Harrison Ford as Han Solo steals the show. Everything else, honestly, is just filler. He drives the story and plays a huge part in setting up the other films. It’s odd that we really did not get a good story in this film. It feels more like a chapter than any of the other Star Wars films have and it does not work for the audience. It feels incomplete and missing many things. The movie felt barren. There was not much life to it other than Han Solo. Sure the other actors did good jobs. But a lot of the shots and progression felt too close. The film was pushed along too fast. Many times characters did not get time to breath or the audience to catch up and deal with some heart breaking moments such as the poor handling of Han Solo’s predictable death. A much better way would’ve been to have Han sacrifice himself for the cause. It makes you wonder why Luke did not become aware that his best friend is in danger. Or how smart Han is and to be almost tricked by Leia into trying to save him. It’s just a bad bit of directing and could send the series down a very lackluster path. The scenes with Han were great however while they lasted. Some elements were not the same. It’s as if Harrison knew how to play him but nobody else know what the character would do or would not do. So, sometimes he does things that seemed odd. Like trying out Chewie’s bow for the first time. In all the decades he was with him not being able to try it. Come on. We don’t buy it. Han was great. Worst Actor Kylo Ren was being built up as the next Vader. Literally and figuratively in the story. They really dropped the ball on this one. And this is almost more unforgivable than the poor handling of Han’s death. Kylo’s voice does not in the least bit sound intimidating. This is why Vader was done by a much better voice than the actor that played him. Something like that should’ve been done here. Use a deep throated voice, scare the pants off the audience. Nope, not here. Eventually Kylo takes his helmet off. It’s at this moment that all the anxiety and interest and the character goes away. He acts mean at times then almost normal. Maybe it’s building to something but for a first act movie you really can’t do that. You need to classify your characters in one way. Don’t show who’s under the helmet and don’t reveal that he’s Hans’s son so early in the movie. Creating dramatic tension and cross cutting stories is George Luca’s wheel house. Sad they did not follow his previous way of handling that. You don’t’ show all your cards at once. Honorable mention is for Captain Phasma. She had only a very minor role in the film. But what was funny was how she was being hyped up as the next women’s rights leader, a feminist for the modern world. Taking on men’s traditional roles. It was a joke and over-hyped too much. Best Scene The parts when the group meets up with Han Solo and fight off the pirates then to a new world, to follow the trail and see where the adventure takes you. These parts were the most exciting and interesting. It felt most like the old films and introduced many cool places and characters. It even felt like a nod to some of the novels. But even in these sections there this movie is hard to pick one scene out and say that was amazing. It was all like watching a movie where the other 6 films felt like you were being a part of the story in some way. Worst Scene When Han Solo dies. Not because he dies. But how it was out of character. How Han would never do that, he’s smarter than that. How everybody in the theater knew he was dead even before anything happened. And to the poor time given for Leia and Chewie to have a final goodbye. To take one of the most beloved characters and toss him off bridge like he’s trash. To die a lonely and wasteful death. Sad.

Comic books fans unite! Another repeat or re-do of an origin story. I bet you don’t know what will happen. Ah, crap! You already know this story. And who says there is no originality left in Hollywood? What the web-head brings to this one is a rather generic action-fair with tired worn-out heroes, villains and plot devices. The supporting cast is nice but the whole experience leaves you wanting more and a day later you’ve forgotten most of it. The stingy exciting sensation of watching a new Spiderman movie goes away quicker than a dose of Bengay. Comic fans can only hope that with the great power of being able to make any comic book story you want that the next creation has more responsibility to the wonder and amazement of comic stories not just microwaving leftovers for a nice, safe bank return. Spoilers below. Best Actor Andrew Garfield’s first time out as Spiderman is marred with inconsistent acting between scenes and different locations. Buying that he is a highschool aged kid is hard to swallow at times. He does best in the scenes with his not Mary Jane, Jane by the name of Gwen Stacy. While she does have two first names, like any reputable country singer would she’s a good match for Andrew Garfield on screen. Worst Actor The ying to Peter’s yang is Emma Stone. Movie goers might be awed by her pretty eyes but wonder why a highschooler has so many wrinkles. That’s because she was 24 when she played this role. She’s even harder to buy being a teenager than the older Andrew Garfield was. Even more so thanks to her tight fitting outfits and sleazy overdone office secretary makeup and hooker boots. She acts in a decent manner, it’s just her character is pointless other than being a love interest for Peter and a symbol of what great power can get you. Free sex. Take that Flash Thompson. An honorable mention is casting Rhys Ifans as a one-armed scientist. He does a decent job playing the villain but it’s just that decent. He turns much too quickly to the dark side. O, wrong movie. But having the character fight with his possible bad past and the effects of being a big alligator now could’ve been played out more. It’s done much nicer in cartoon versions of this story. Also, why not cast an actor that really only has one arm? It would be a great opportunity for somebody to play a unique role. It’s a missed opportunity. Somebody’s gotta raise a hand for disfigured people. Right? Best Scene When the credits show up? The action is so-so. It’s nothing to call home about. Not that Peter Parker would bother calling. The way he treats his aunt, I tell ya! Kids these days! The scope feels rather pulled back from the more epic battles in the Tobey Spiderman films. It’s what you might expect. Spiderman gets beat up a lot and instantly seems to heal. He feels bad for Ben for like 5 minutes then bad guy shows up. The best parts were actually with the love story of Peter and Emma. They had really good chemistry together on screen and it was more fun to watch than most of the movie sadly. That’s not something you want to say about an action movie. And Dennis Leary getting killed is a highlight. Who did not stand up and cheer in the theater for that moment! Would’ve been nice if he got ran over by a Ford truck though. Worst Scene The end sequence where Spiderman must race as fast as he can to save Gotham before Joker can release the toxic gas into the city. O, wrong movie again! Spiderman has to go down to the big OsCorp building that is a discount Empire State building to stop the alligator man from turning everybody into ….alligators? Guess so. But, Spidey can’t get there fast because he just got shot by a trigger happy cop. That’s right after the police captain tells everybody not to shoot. A shaking your head moment for sure. Well Spiderman has to go down this super long road but can’t web sling off the super tall buildings for convenient plot reasons. So, in an audience grumbling move a construction foreman that Spiderman interacted with earlier, when Spiderman said his kid from a car, calls all his other buddies to move cranes so Spiderman can web sling to the danger makes you want to hit your face with a dirty needle. What are the chances that there are dozens of cranes all down the road, at the same time? With people around to drive them. Plus, people that all can be reached by walkie-talkie at night after work is over and who must be all somehow work for the same company so they can communicate. It’s like a tutorial mission out of a video game. It’s that bad. Hits - Not too many 360 spinning shots. - Dennis Leary gets killed! Not by a Ford truck though  - The suit does not ****. Misses - Too long. Bad CGI. - Stop with Stan Lee cameos. - Kinda “b-word” boring. Grade C

George Clooney plays an ordinary psychologist who ventures into space to solve the mystery of why the crew of a space station and their rescue party have disappeared. Cause that seems like the logical choice for a space rescue. Why not just hire an oil rig worker instead? And why not go alone why you are at it there George. That’s smart. Great setup writers. Enjoy mesmerizing scenes of what could be improv dialog as Clooney slowly discovers what’s been going on. Things start to happen, scenes change locations from darkly lit corridors, to darkly light rooms! It’s epic! Just when the action picks you might be thinking “Hey, this is like The Abyss and 2001 but only if those movies ****.” And you’d be correct. While the film does have some nice scenes and tries to create a slower paced movie there is much to be desired. From super close camera angles and a lack of scope or space that’s included in other similar space tales. It makes this sci-fi tale rather void of fun and magic. Clooney being a psychologist has no meaning in this film. That aspect was not explored, nor was his backstory or his character. Having career training in mastering human dialog and interactions it’s strangely bizarre and out of character the way Clooney’s character behaves to mysterious new people aboard the space station. Sci-fi fans might want to steer their space ship away from this asteroid of a movie. Their Tag Line - “There are some places man is not ready to go” - Ya, Into the theater to see this movie. Alternate Tag Lines 1. “You don’t need to be a psychologist to figure out this thriller.” 2. “Reasons why people find real space boring. Check.” 3. “Rouge space station, cool effects, missing crew. No way can they mess this movie up. Right? ” Hits - Nice concept, if a bit worn out. - Naked George Clooney. - The title sounds cool. Misses - Character development & plot. - George Clooney’s butt shown. - Earth scenes don’t look futuristic enough.