Qarren

Let me start by saying you should absolutely play this game. Specifically on modern systems. Your opinion on the game don't matter. You just gotta do this. Save your game at one of the friendly towns, exit and load back in and 1 time out of 3 some poor chap will spawn in the sky and fall to his death in front of you. And all his friends in the supposed "cease-fire" zone will shrug it off like "Oh well, when God says it's your time..." not knowing that you are that God. And you can make it happen again... No one should have this power. But I do So f&ck you, more sudden parachuting without the actual parachute for these people. Otherwise, you just have to hang around any scripted sequence and watch as NPCs bounce around like Flubber put inside a room covered in Portal 2's bounce gel. But I'm told there's also a game somewhere in this video game. There probably is, but it's hard to find underneath all the lists of chores piled on top. And when I say lists of chores, it's just the 1 chore actually. I shall describe 90% of the missions in this game in one sentence: Drive somewhere for 10mins, occasionally stopping to be attacked by frequent guard posts and patrols that respawn as soon as you leave and fix your car yet again, before arriving at your destination and take 2mins to clear it out before blowing up an item or talking to someone, and driving 10mins back once again killing all those people that raised from the dead in that small timeframe. Okay, that sentence is longer than a comatose patient's wet dream, but it really is completely encapsulating of the Far Cry 2 experience. There is also the occasional fun mission to ambush a caravan, and also dull as Trump's-brain-on-a-whetstone delivery boy missions that you have to do once in a while to not die of malaria. Overall, if you're playing this game, it's not because of a sense of anything really driving you forward. Of course not, with how often your car will break down, there ain't nothin' that'll be driving you forward, or backward, or f*cking anywhere. If you're looking for story, then this is the game for you because I chose my words carefully there. If you just want to experience a story then this won't work out at all, buddy. But if you're actively searching for a story like a pixel-hunting adventure game, then you may be rewarded for your easter egg hunt here. Things just kinda happen and your motivations are all over the place. Not to mention half the cast talk like their voice boxes will explode if they speak below 50 miles per hour. The moment they've started a sentence they've also finished it and fled the country. Speaking of the country. I must say Far Cry continues to astound me in world design. The first game had beautiful, colour-rich open tropical spaces which I adored, and this does something new. More games should do an African wilderness setting, it's an untapped gold mine of ambient and immersive survivalist landscape. It is ruined by the annoyingly close, and overly blue-hued fog of war that's used in areas with more densely packed decoration. Excuse me for performing a cardinal sin and blaspheming against gamers everywhere when I state that I wanted more sunlight. We were on the verge of greatness there, Far Cry 2. Why'd you have to settle for really goodness? Why'd you have to do that? I mean, tech limitations obviously But why, Far Cry 2, why? At least the gunplay can receive an award for 'most improved.' The only awards we give out that remind the receiver that they did, in fact, really **** at one point. I'm really glad the gunplay is more of a *ahem* straight shooter compared to the last game. And there's a nice progression to unlocking more effective weapons, that creates a nice range of useful equipment. Stealth sort of disappeared from this entry. I'm told you can do it, but I couldn't -nor did I have fun in trying- recreate those results, so that statement is now scientifically inaccurate. If I can't prove your hypothesis, then your stealth ain't no stealth game. The game teaches and encourages you to scout locations before you attack, but on normal difficulty I never once found that close to necessary. It sufficed for me to just run into every location guns blazing like the enemies just stole my car and killed my dog. That's not the fault of the AI either. I actually like the AI. They run around more than a cat with a flaming tail, which means they look stupid but they are constantly surrounding you. My only real problem here is that between the small range of colours, the poor lighting, constant visual effects and a hundred more reasons the greatest challenge in this game is just seeing enemies. I don't like that the core difficulty of this game is the result of a lack of information. Lotta good stuff, a loootta bad stuff. Play it for 22mins, then never play it again. Also, can you spot how many dumb pop-culture references I made? Now if only references were a funny form of joke.

It's no Turok. I'mma admit right off the bat that I actually had fun playing this. Perhaps more than I should have. But I get told that a lot. Apparently you're only meant to have a 'little bit of fun' over-waxing the floor at a shopping centre. Normal people falling is fun, but when the kid on crutches does the exact same thing - no more fun. I learn things everyday. For example, today when I was looking for this game on Metacritic I learned that it's had several name changes for no good reason. I looked for the game I played titled ORION: Prelude, but couldn't find it until I realised it used to be called ORION: Dino Horde. And that in itself was a rebrand from ORION: Dino Beatdown. You know that guy in 'The Good Place' that went to hell for being too indecisive? Well, Spiral Game Studios is where he got his training. I can only imagine what ORION: New Circle of Hell they're in for when they die. So this game released to raving negative reviews. It was more broken than that crutches kid after having a personal introduction to that floor. And while several bugs remain to this day, for the most part this game has since been made a stable experience. Just don't play the Summit map. You shouldn't be playing that anyway. Without the bugs that's still just the worst map. You could say that Summit really peaked in annoying game design. i'll see myself out now... But yeah, other than Summit turning the skybox and half the models completely black, meaning good luck seeing all those pterodactyls soaring around in the endless void, the game is truly playable. Now I don't wanna excuse a dev team for releasing and selling a broken product only to fix it later because, as we now know, this would become an anti-consumer standard practice in the industry. However, I'll let this slide as it was their first game and they seemed to improve this attitude for their next release before disappearing forever. Yea, it's just hard to be mad at something that doesn't exist. Although my girlfriend would disagree with that statement after I cheated on her with my co-worker. I'm an internet funny man. I don't have a co-worker. But hey, the realm of physicality won't stop me from having an imaginary ORION: Post-Lube Inspection. Apparently. Anyway, video game. I only played the survival mode during my time with this game. There are less-than-a-few players still hopping around these servers. That's a real shame, because those strange times when another person from somewhere in the world did decide to load up this strange game 9 years after release and found my lobby were the best times. There are bots that try to help if no one else joins your game. I specifically say 'try to help' because their only use was as ORION: Dino Bait. They won't repair the generator you're defending, they won't use anything other than the basic rifle, and only rarely will they feel the need to pick you up after you've been downed. No, mostly their job description suggests they should run around erratically like a headless chicken until dinos show up and then they plant their feet firmly and take on the horde with their face. They kill a good deal of them before they die though. That's sweet of them. This makes a great deal of otherwise optional things an absolute necessity because you are now fulfilling the roles of 5 team members, regardless of which class you pick. Trying to repair the generator will set all the big boss dinos on you immediately, like they're offended by the sounds engineers make. So you won't have a chance to get it back up before the knockback sends you to another map. Unless it's the T-Rex which either chomps you, or if you have the no-chomp upgrade, simply lodges you inside its model where you cannot leave as it slowly nibbles on the salty snack that was your face. So with all these problems, why did I say I had fun? 2 reasons mostly. Reason number A: I love most of the environments. It's not the most graphically appealing game, or the one with the most detailed worlds. Yet, most of the maps really do look pretty. I'm a **** for open spaces and over-saturated colours in everything, and this game REALLY scratches that itch. I also love the look of the jagged and interestingly structured mountains. Reason number II: Play the assault class and buy the TREK bow. I had so much dumb fun jetpacking around popping off arrows at dinos and watching them fall like Hawkeye in Avengers, except I actually achieve something. Then there's the alternative arrows. If you do manage to get a player in your game do a favour for me, would ya? When they're in a vehicle and least expect it, fly to the top of a mountain a knock out their car with an EMP arrow. The arrows are too small to see and you are way out of sight so they'll never know what happened. And that makes me happy. So I did have a lot of dumb fun playing this game. I can't recommend it as a brilliant product, but I can tell you to just do it anyway Just play ORION: Subtitle Pending

Torchlight 2? More like horse-sh$te 2. No? Fair enough. Some jokes need more essence, and some jokes need more-spite 2. Still no? Fair. I won't pretend I enjoyed this game, but I'm not one to pretend I can't see what others enjoyed in it. For those who aren't against top-down, action RPGs but aren't totally into them either, this one may be a miss. It's easy enough to understand, but also not particularly rewarding enough to those who only understand, and don't already mesh with this type of game. Just thought I should mesh-tion that. STILL no? Come on, that one was decent. Fine. If you don't want my sh^tty jokes, then you can have my even sh#ttier opinions. Torchlight 2 is Torchlight but more open, and a few refinements. You may find yourself immersed with more character customisation options, nicer menus and UI, much improved world, character and armour design - and I'd like to emphasise that last one. You see, I'm a big patron of the idea that style and design trump graphical fidelity in games, and Torchlight 2 is actually a good example of that. The art itself hasn't much improved since your first wild encounter with it, but the way it's used has definitely seen an increase in quality. Respect, Torchlight 2. And to top it all off, there's more pet options here than PETA puts down in a week, and that's saying something. I picked an eagle and made him black so I wouldn't be too obvious in picking the Beagle. Now, I was always told if I had nothing nice to say, then say nothing at all, and I think I've said my share of niceties towards this game. It's time to say nothing at all. Nothing at all. Ha! Now let's complain. The first thing that comes to mind is that I loathe the boss fights in this game. Loathing isn't a word I like to describe my feelings towards anything but myself, so to use it now - that means something. I made no attempt to hide my dissatisfaction with the final boss of the last game, and so it seems they decided to turn that into every boss in this game. Seriously, Runic Games? You're gonna be so petty that you'd spite a review that wouldn't even be written until 9-11 years after the fact? Typical. Or delusional One of the two; I always get those mixed up. But f#ck me sideways with a butter knife covered in black tar heroin while sizzling on a hot summer's morning in the back of my Mum's dump truck; I hate these boss fights. I'll give exception to the Alchemist and the evil Robin Williams impersonator for limiting, or at least contextualising some of my eagle peeves with fun call-backs. But otherwise, do not play this game if you are like me (sorry to hear that), and dislike the following: Infinitely spawning adds, and infinitely spawning adds, and infinitely spawning adds, and infinite loops of this joke. And also marathon level health pools so that you can continue to deal with those infinitely spawning adds, and the infinitely spawning adds, and the infini- -you get it. Boy, do I love not feeling like I'm having an epic fight with a powerful enemy because I'm actually not. I'm just ignoring his few and forgettable mechanics outright and whittling away at his health every once in a while when I'm once again finished entertaining his kids. And by entertaining his kids, I mean murdering them brutally. I'm not holding my punches here because I have no respect for this type of boss design in general, let alone when it's the only thing that connects ALL the bosses together, moreso than the plot ever could! Anyway Once again, I picked the mage class and was disappointed that I could no longer create a dedicated summoner build like my character in Light of the Torch numero uno. But, I won't begrudge being pushed to try new class builds. Though I must say, I didn't find the leveling to be as fun as the last game. The scaling of the world and enemies is far superior to the bodacious curve of number 1, but at the cost of slower level gains. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I preferred the more rewarding system of the original, especially considering this game is longer so it's a less for more kinda deal. Like how I use less brains for more words on Metacritic than anyone else. Adding to this, the abilities feel less unique and varied, and there are fewer spells to find meaning I just wasn't as happy in the roleplay elements as I've been in the past. And maybe this is just because of my new, less... inactive playstyle compared to my summoner build but movement and combat just felt way harder to control this time round. The controls really could use an easy to access button that makes your character ignore enemies where your cursor is so you can actually move without your little idiot trying to attack each of the billion enemies covering your screen, while still having your mouse at the ready. Which you cannot. All in all, the only thing I can really say about this game is... nothing at all nothing at all nothing at all

Me thinking I'm funny is starting to Border on naiveté. When someone like me Lands a joke, that validation is the equivalent of affording to feed my 3 starving kids, if not better. However, that is why you'll no longer see me making jabs, quips, analogies, sarcastic remarks, silly comparisons... ...and puns 2 Oops Force of habit Speaking of forceful habits, and even more forceful segues; Borderlands 2 forces you into many an unwanted habit. But I'm getting a head of myself. The bust arrives next week. I'm also getting ahead of myself. The ever popular sequel to the much beloved RPG/FPS mix was quite the success, critically and commercially. One only had to spend a minute in a schoolyard in the mid 2010s to know more about this game than Subway's Jared knew about children's anatomy. Speaking of which, if you still find yourself hanging around schoolyards please notify the FBI, those once voluminous Borderlands 2 conversations have since ended. Ignoring that, being regaled with tales of handsome Jacks, teenage spank-bank heartthrob Liliths, and guns that explode when you reload them made it seem easy to qualify what made this game so pervasive in our impressionable, plastic minds. lol they were wrong. The game does have improvements over its predecessor. But improvements are not necessarily fixes. And for everything this game adds, another quality still cries out in the night for more development... like one of Subway Jared's chil- -you get the joke. Two primary qualities give this game a flair the previous entry did not hold. First is the increase in uniqueness and variability in weapons. While BL1 had that quality in its randomised weaponry, the new traits added in this game really do give it new life, at least for a while. I'm gonna say this again and again, but this game is too long and this effects many of its systems' value and vice versa. The fun weapon traits are gimmicky and that sense of novelty does not last the entire story. And while these weapons do play an integral role in this franchise's gameplay and image, and require development like this, little else was developed to support it. Before that though, the other improvement was in narrative. The first game had a story probably written by the janitorial staff. Of course, spending your days cleaning up **** sort of leaves you on a one-track mind creatively... But this game does structure and character well. This story actually utilises escalating tension, wins and losses, and a sense that the villain, the most handsome of Jacks, is actually a person and somewhat of a threat. Having the player win every encounter against a dumb, 2-dimensional enemy does snuggle the player in an embracing power fantasy which works for most games. But it damages a story not to have the villain create a turning point, and increasing pressure for the player. So congrats Borderlands 2. You achieved basic structure. Come back to me when you realise character arcs are also a thing. There's also comedy. It's highly subjective of course. I didn't think the game was unfunny, and even breathed air out my nose a couple of times. But I wouldn't personally say it was witty. Then again, if you're reading this then anything's an upgrade. Also there's that whole tutorial area before you reach Sanctuary, the main quest hub, that's just kinda there. For reasons. The game is too long and that intro definitely could have been cut and worked into the next chapter. I've said the game's too long and now I should explain, because I've offended a grotesquely giant, gangly group of gorging gamers who are probably trying to dox me as you read this. The game is too long because the mechanics and mission variety don't carry it. A lot of tedious grinding compared to the last game, a lot of repeated enemies, and a lot of boss fights with terrible, cheap mechanics mean the pacing of this game is a chore. And not like a take out the trash chore, like a farm kid "chore" that actually takes the whole day. The underdeveloped eshay-brain gameplay doesn't help that feeling either. It's gotta be said that the RPG and FPS mechanics don't actually mix that well, and they definitely don't support each other. Why accuracy stat, why? Why are you no better, and maybe worse than borderland numero 1? The base stat for early levels is much lower, and weapon stats don't randomise equally meaning they are good at 1 thing, and 1 thing only. Which is 2 more things than me, but whatever. By the end you either have guns that actually do a little bit of damage to the enemies, or you have guns that actually hit the enemies. Seriously, it's like holding a gun to your head, pulling the trigger and having someone in Madagascar drop dead. And that's when you're not being shot through walls. So the FPS gameplay encourages skill, and the RPG cancels it out. Yikes. Borderlands 2 is still a good time with friends, but there are still some things that need to be explained to it when it's older.

I want Bastion's narrator to narrate my life. He has a line early on if you smash random decoration that goes "the kid just rages for a while." So I've already got proof of concept. Just imagine in his deep, sexy voice he whispers line like: "The kid tries to make a joke. This will be the saddest moment of his life" "The kid plays a video game" "The kid still plays a video game" "The kid, forgetting why he came into this room, stares out a window for a while so those around don't realise he's a dumbass" "Christ, the kid is still playing a video game" "The kid just pretends for a while that his life is interesting enough to narrate. The moral of this story is - don't be this kid" And other such epic tales from the sagas of my life. But besides the legendary voice acting of Oh-Wait-That's-Not-Ron Perlman, you may notice that this game is an isometric hack and slash. You might have noticed that. I don't know. Depends if you have eyes or not. It's a genuinely fun one too. The only real complaints to make about any aspects of it are: A) The combat can be a little loose and undefined, with multiple enemies with very varied attack patterns just sort of shoved into a small area 2) Despite having a decent number of varied enemies, you'll find yourself in the same situations whether it be nothing but the same gas enemies at the beginning, the same plant enemies in the middle and the same ninja enemies at the end in the same combinations Both these problems somewhat solve themselves though, which is incredible. While the same combo of enemies gets old faster than Benjamin Button, the game has a short and sweet runtime, and the situations surrounding that combat can often change. Like scrolling sections, ship sections and more. And for the loose combat, the game is fairly generous with health drops and interesting weapons and abilities that means most players shouldn't have too much trouble with this game during a standard playthrough. There are also options for a harder experience that is balanced out with extra rewards, which is nice. And for once I can safely say that that's all I have to complain about. This worries me. I am making a career out of complaining. F%ck you, Bastion. F*ck you. I bloody hate it when games are well thought out. Fine then, what else is there to praise? The music is goddamn beautiful. There aren't many tracks, but the few that are there definitely carry this fairly short experience. I can't even make a joke about them, because I genuinely find them that nice. I suppose I could work one of my usual self-deprecating jokes into it somehow... This music is better than I am. There you go. Makes sense... The art style is also quite beautiful. ****. That's not good for me, either. Umm, well I suppose it could make more use of colour. But that goes for anything. Always love more colour. This game gravitates a lot to greens and whites and blues. Would have been nice to see more red balance things out somewhere. There you go... Take that, Bastion... I give up. The game is too well rounded. Even the story, while nothing that breaks boundaries still does more than most games. Meaning that this game follows a good, solid structure to tell it's story the same way a film would. It has a clear inciting incident, increasing tension, a middle point which reframes it and serves as a small loss meant to further motivate and develop, before escalating to a climax and a thoughtful resolution. This is the flow of story, and even games that try to tell one forget to hit on all these important plot points. Also, despite having a narrator, there are many moments where the game uses its nice art to show rather than tell certain plot points. And the story has greater themes of war, hatred and regret. All this to say... Cool story, bro. I keep mentioning that the game is short, and that this fact is to its benefit. There's little chance of feeling cheated with this runtime. This game is nice and self-contained. You may even find it could be a couple of levels shorter when the tedium sets in towards the end after completing fetch quest after fetch quest. Wait, did I just find another complaint? Hells yea! On the other hand, the individuals levels are small, focused experiences that nicely break up and pace the game so the fetching doesn't become too daunting. Oh, f#ck me. Can I just find one more complaint, please? If the gameplay is fun and varies just enough to not annoy, the music is so melodious it could send even the most aggro baby to sleep, the art style isn't perfect but satisfies regardless, the story isn't ground-breaking yet very grounded in appropriate formula, and the game's length and pacing are like porridge that's just right, then what? Wait I've got it! Everything is good, but not revolutionary! Ha Ha, got you now, Bastion. How dare you be a good example of the foundational skills of video game design, and not also break the wheel! Hold on a second Ahhh... crap...

I verily enjoyed this game. No flaws. Cooking Mama is great. She is not holding me. I repeat: NOT holding me. Cooking Mama loves all... Play Cooking Mama 3. It's perfectly safe... You'll have... fun. I thank Cooking Mama for her generosity in letting me spread Her word. Praise Cooking Mama and her delightful gospel - Cooking Mama 3 for the Nintendo DS. Cooking Mama 3 is the holy tale of you, an up and coming home chef, risking life and limb to make a decent meal. I mean not risking life and limb. Of course Sorry Mama You see, the game is made up of several modes which all function solely as context to a large number of small minigames. The main game mode titled 'Cooking with Mama' (which is an absolute honour, Mama...) sees you tackling 65 recipes all containing 2-10 minigames. That's really it. You won't see any amazing twists on the franchised gameplay loop here. Honestly, it feels like these games are actually a Stockholm Syndrome simulator for minigames. Of course no one has Stockholm Syndrome, Mama. I know I'm not a prisoner. I just love spending time with you... You'll do a great deal of swiping, circling and careful dragging of the stylus across the screen to cut, dice, mash, adjust temperature and so many other mundane... I mean amazing activities. There is actually simple fun to be had with this basic gameplay especially if you're the achievement hunter type. For those who are pro Cooking Mama 3 gamers, getting 100% on each recipe might just satisfy that itch. I didn't even bother, as this game taught me the unfortunate lesson that my old DS is starting to lose responsiveness on the touch screen. No Mama, I would never blame you for that. That is clearly my fault, and my fault alone. I am a professional, however, and won't let hardware troubles change my opinion ****. Speaking of professionalism; one thing does bother me. If you beat a recipe to a silver medal standard Mama will applaud you, stating "Even better than Mama!" What concerns me is that you only need around a 70% to receive a silver medal. Making a meal that's only 70% good is better than Cooking Mama could do herself? Who is she to teach me then? Getting 70% isn't hard at all. Does Cooking Mama know anything about cooking? Who is this lady? Oh, Hi Mama. No, I didn't mean that. It was a joke. I am funny man. Mama, please. Put down the meat grinder. As I was saying, Mama is the perfect chef and she simply says things like that to encourage you; her young, stupid pupil who knows nothing of the art of cooking via DS stylus swipes. And I think we all can agree on that.... I think what really helps sell this otherwise unimpressive, yet fun for a couple of minutes game is the style. It bears a cutsie anime art style and has some charming, if forgettable music. Being able to unlock customisation options for Mama and your kitchen adds a bit of longevity and creativity to keep you coming back, but mostly you will do that for a quick distraction here and there. Like I have over the years of owning this game. Oops. You're so right, Mama. Sorry. I did not mean to say a quick distraction folks. I clearly meant to suggest that Cooking Mama 3 is the only game you'll ever need. How silly of me. Maybe we can all just laugh it off, and put the kitchen knife back where it belongs... What does break the style of the game is Mama's voice. For a very whitewashed character, Mama's clearly Asian voice actress does pose an uncanny dissonance. But that's more so caused by the voice recording. You can tell immediately that the recording wasn't done neatly as Mama speaks robotically, as if from deep within instead of her vocal cords. Like she isn't quite human, but some cooking shadow demon who uses a cutsie aesthetic and encouraging words to lure the unwary Nintendo kid... MAMA NO! We all know you have a perfectly normal voice, and are completely human. Just a lovely MILF who likes to cook. There is no need to put me in the cold storage again. I promise. Here, let me make you yet another disgusting tofu dish. Most of these dishes may be recognisable to a general audience, but the recipes for making them and the pictures sometimes confused me. I've never seen shortbread made in a large block and covered in icing. That one's okay though, I can still imagine that happening. But since when did you put rum in shortbread? Isn't shortbread just very light cookie dough with extra sugar on top? You'd give it to kids. Not anymore, I guess. This shortbread would have those kids dropping likes flies. A useful recipe then, I grant you, but probably not one Mama should be spreading on family games willy nilly. I'm not suggesting anything, Mama. It's just that silly imagination of yours. We all know you looove the little children the most. You're such a swell old gal. The other modes don't change the formula any. It's more Cooking Mama for the sake of more Cooking Mama. The game's a fun cultural thing, but little more. WAIT MAMA, I MEANT

Far Cry? More like this game made me Cry Far away from the keyboard when all those big, burly mercenaries came a runnin' my way. Now that we've dispensed with the need to evaluate my fragile mental state, it's time to look over a game that probably caused half those neuroses. Far Cry is a stealth, FPS mix. I didn't play it when it came out and I never hear anybody talk about this first entry in the franchise, so any witty or knowledgeable statement about its release or culture would be a Far Cry from the truth. And yes, that pun will show up frequently during this review. But despite the praising reviews of this game, it doesn't ever come up in conversation. Especially when compared to its successors. Far Cry 2 is the cult classic, 3 is the one that put the series into the mainstream, and 4 onwards just keep selling based on the success of 3. There's also Primal, but I think to this day that everyone still thinks that one was just an April Fools joke that hasn't been taken off of stores yet. Really letting that one linger, eh Ubisoft? I f$*king love the environments in this game! I've said it before and I'll say it again; open spaces with oversaturated colours and some real ambience are Gucci on crack. These tropical islands are my dream home. I could even put up with the rampaging monkey demons for a piece of real estate in Far Cry. And this extends into the actual foundations of the gameplay too. One of the major selling points of this game is its open, linear design. You traverse individual levels completing objectives from point A - B in a normal linear fashion, however any of the outdoors levels are wildly expansive. You can travel to islands with nothing on them, or follow beaches round to flank enemy camps, or just piss off and swim with some tropical fish. Evil scientists and rampaging monkey demons will probably just fix themselves anyway. That's probably just the way with scientists obsessed with chest day, and bloody bonobos. They have a complicated relationship. But weaving together beautiful world design and liberty in gameplay in this way is just a 1000 yeses in my book. And I wrote a book that simply said yes 1001 times. Best seller too! I also love the action set pieces in this game. A fight on a sinking boat, hang gliding over enemy camps, the world's worst turret section, and more can turn a generic shooter into an exciting, interactive action film. Other shooters need to learn this. Gameplay is vital, but context can make that gameplay feel way more investing and fun. It is with great sorrow, however, that I must now state that this is where the pros of this game end. Ain't got much of a narrative. It's only orders from other characters followed by a snarky remark by your character. An action movie through and through. Although that was hard to tell since there are no subtitles option in this game, and voices are part of the sound effects volume slider. It's bad enough that the guns are realistically loud so the slider needs to be turned way down to avoid giving yourself instant tinnitus-flavoured ramen. But the voices are already quiet at the top of the slider. Your companions prefer to vaguely and sexily whisper commands in your ear rather than just tell you what's going on. I'm into it, but I'm also very confused. I'm also confused about they just said as well... In an attempt to be make their stealth FPS a little more realistic they kinda f&%ked it up, and also forgot to put fun in the game. Yes, it is genuinely interesting that enemies have realistic vision and can spot you sneaking up on them in their peripheral unlike other stealth games. Unfortunately, after that point the game just breaks. Get spotted and all enemies on the map will be alerted. And they have aim tracking too so there's not much use in trying to hide again because I witnessed these people actually f&@king watching me through mountains. Yet a small bush will often confuse and scare a mercenary practically standing on top of you. At least this mercenary army isn't ableist. They take anyone with 20-20 vision, the completely blind AND the omniscient. So proud of these boys trying to murder me right now. Gunplay feels pretty bad too. To increase difficulty, they go with the tried and complete **** method of just bringing in new enemies that are increasingly health spongy. The last few levels also have a reliance on rocket launcher spamming. Yay, I hate both those methods. Those methods really date this game, huh. Remember when games thought rocket spam was legit? Gunplay just feels wrong too. Yes, it's tactical that your accuracy goes up as you crouch and prone. But damn is it no fun in the sections where you do have to keep moving and Jack seems to be holding his gun f&!king sideways! This area is where the game needs the most improvement. So besides enemies shooting me from beyond the max render distance, the game was on its way to greatness. I actually went Far without Crying out a pun. Wait ****

I love this part in Game of Clones where Diablo exists and is great and beloved, and little Torchlight is also there and just happy to be included. Torchlight is Podrick. Also like Podrick, Torchlight ultimately finds itself in a place it's not nearly qualified for, but we'll let that slide since he's just so adorable. You might think that intro harsh and you'd probably be right. However, I am prepared as usual to back up my statement, and I couldn't resist the clones joke once I came up with it. So the intro stays! Torchlight is Diablo-Lite. Everybody loves to point out that 2 of the Diablo developers were on the team behind this game, and I literally just proved that I'm no different. ****. Nonetheless, I personally found that the qualities I enjoyed most in Diablo are not here. So let's get this out of the way. Torchlight does make little improvements over Diablo, mostly in the area of convenience. Also, doggo is life, and this game has doggo. But you know what really sells Diablo over its contenders? Atmosphere. You can make a fun, top-down action RPG any day of the week. But to really pull of a oppressive, gut wrenching feeling of suspense and hopelessness is hard. Torchlight does not do this. Diablo: Fun for the Whole Family Edition has no atmosphere and, quite frankly, looks more generic than a white guy playing Wonderwall on acoustic guitar. It's cool to like this game on its own merits, but to compare this to Diablo? Don't make me laugh. It's not like I make you laugh, so return the favour. Now that that's out of the way, let's talk Torchlight in its own right. I burnt through this game like an Australian bush fire goes through Koalas. I beat this game in ~12 hours, and that was about 4 hours too long. Usain Bolt's record time ain't got nothing on how quickly I beat the first few levels, and 1 complete orbit of Neptune ain't got nothing how long the final few levels felt. I can understand increasing the length of levels as the game progresses in order to increase challenge. But by golly, sir, if the mechanics of the game aren't advancing along with the level length and enemy health then boy howdy, sir, is the shallowness of the increase more noticeable. By removing the small reward that is reaching a new level to break up the pace of the game I now feel like I'm never progressing because what I'm doing right now looks exactly the same as what I was doing an hour ago. The mechanics and challenge are exactly the same as they were, and not even the floor number has changed to reflect my progress. I find the term 'fun run' to be an oxymoron, and the final levels feel like a 'fun run.' I played the alchemist character and decided to go with a full summoner class structure. To give this game its due credit, I loved that I could run this build. Between class abilities and spells, which are separated to allow extra nuance in mix builds or even dedicated builds, I was able to have an army of up to 20 pets/minions at once. Not gonna lie, das pretty dope. During the game's ludicrously easy initial levels I didn't have to raise a finger. I just walked around reading and enjoying fine wine while my, rather multicultural, squad run around smacking everything out of my path, the way a bullet train removes deer from the tracks. I was actually saddened by the later levels when my dedicated summoner with little health and defence suddenly became priority target number 1. Enemies would routinely ignore the invasion force headed their way and chase me to kill me in 1-2 hits while the Benny Hill theme played, and Statler and Waldorf sat in the corner saying things like: "Do you think he'll survive?" "I don't think we'll survive." "You think the demons will kill us?" "No, watching his play style will kill us." It was depressing. The most depressing thing, however, was the final boss. I won't spoil anything plot wise because that's not possible. To spoil a plot first there has to be a plot. But I digress. Do you think there's a list somewhere with all the absolute DON'TS of game design? I certainly hope not, because that means the devs just ignored it outright, or worse, used it as inspiration. This boss fight ticked off every pet peeve of mine: Bosses with ludicrous health Bosses with no mechanics of their own, just adds Infinitely spawning adds Regenerating health If you could measure the painful force of bad boss fights in Richter scales of magnitude, this guy'd be a Tohoku. I make the game out to seem worse than it actually is by focusing on what I disliked. But gee whiz, sir, my arguments aren't invalid. If you're like me, stick to Diablo. But if you're not a neurotic Oblivion NPC with a deluded sense of humour, then give it a go. Not kidding about that multicultural thing. I had dogs, demons, zombies, skeletons, robots, and sentient gems and swords. I practically mained the United Nations of Torchlight.

Did you know that, if you're astute enough, you can work out what this game is about solely by reading the title? After beating this game, I can only surmise that this game has something to do with conquering underground labyrinths full of monsters. Maybe they should have put something about that in the title. I want to go back to a time when games were still experimental, and genres weren't so strictly defined by what's marketable and proven a hundred times. You want an action RPG where you can control up to 8 characters who mostly automate combat so you can sit back and put the kettle on boil for a cup of tea. F&%k it, have a Dungeon Siege and make an Earl Grey for me. Is Dungeon Siege the greatest action RPG ever made? I don't know; is scat a valuable genre of p$rnography? Probably not, but if you made that claim I wouldn't think you any lesser. I just wouldn't ever hug you, or shake your hand. And finally: Was that line of questioning really necessary? You decide. The issue with a genre-expanding game like this is that fans like its uniqueness and don't want to hear the genuine criticisms the game deserves. It's an experiment, a dream brought to life; not the acting career of Ewan McGregor. On the other hand, people will hate this game more than it deserves out of a misplaced repulsion of games doing their own thing. Dungeon Siege boasts an amazing map to adventure through. There are no loading screens and the journey is vast. I can not understate how good it feels to immersively wander ever onwards, always feeling like there is an infinite, untapped breadth of world before you. I'd sell treadmills with this tagline. "Get fit, Dungeon Siege style" And then, of course, in small text: "Not a euphemism. We mean the treadmill." And what system could possibly enhance this force of wanderlust; this landscape that never ends? How about simplistic RPG mechanics that truly hit the root of "your characters get stronger over time so you feel their destructive power grow until every enemy before you has the life expectancy of an abortion." There isn't much to Dungeon Siege, but it's a satisfying experience because of it. There's no denying there's a repetition and tedium to the core gameplay loop, and that's drawn out over a long 30hr campaign; and that's just the singleplayer campaign. There's a separate multiplayer one I didn't play, plus an expansion. But I had my fun almost the entire way through. And I don't often have fun for more than 5 mins. Oversharing? That's journalism, baby! But now for the flaws. The obvious one is that the tedium, repetitiveness and long playtime won't be fun for all. But what is? Besides Dog's Life for the PS2, of course. However, you may have noticed that I stated that I had fun ALMOST the entire way through. There's a ludicrous difficulty spike when you reach the Goblin Mines dungeon. The game isn't particularly difficult so if you graphed this game's difficulty that Goblin Mine spike could pierce steel plate. This is overly noticeable when the final boss fight is a pushover. It was doable, but it wasn't fun. The issue this really causes is that difficulty spikes give cause to examine the mechanics **** in the closest detail, in order to overcome the hurdle. You generally don't want that. Once you get to the Goblin Mines, suddenly you become overly aware of the game's real flaws. The characters are mostly automated. You can set general movement and engagement tactics, and you can also pause and micro-manage your mad lads. The definition of happiness is legitimately 'the time before you start to learn where the line between automation and management really lies in Dungeon Siege.' Look it up. And if you find something that proves me wrong, just remember to keep it to yourself. The best victories are the ones Qarren doesn't hear about. But when you start seeing all those times that your heroes stand around doing nothing less than a metre away from where their friend is being slaughtered, remember what I told you. Or when you give specific instructions to your heroes and they simply ignore you outright. Or when you have to pause before attacking anything because the boundary between a monster's hitbox and your own character's, or just the ground next to them, causes your battle to turn into something more akin to a flash mob devised by a paraplegic. Until then, even Oxford is simply wrong in their silly book. If there's also something to say about a story here, I don't know what it is. It's a beautifully renditioned world with stories to tell, but as far as a plot is concerned this b%tch is on molly. Dungeon Siege is a cult classic, and rightfully so. I've never joined a cult, but I'd sign away my soul for this one. The pros outweigh the cons. The unique experience is worth the Lovecraftian hell you make a reservation for. If you don't like it, that's fine. But industry lessons should be learned here. And not just to avoid the Goblin Industrial Complex.

So I'm talking Borderlands today. Borderlands? You know this, yes? Frankly, if you don't know the pop hit franchise then you're on the border of something, and it ain't lands. Seek medical attention. There's many an idea in Borderlands. Many an idea, and little development. The subheading should simply read "living Qarren's teenage years all over again." And that's where this game catches you. It grabs hold of you early on, drags you through its gallery of neat ideas and then shoves you through the back door where you turn around and see it was all a set. Like a film set, except of course, vidjya gams instead. It's important that I state here that I played the 2019 Enhanced version, and I understand that many problems I had with the game are actually a result of that. So keep in mind going forward that not all statements I make are representative of the original experience, and I recommend sticking to that version. Let's start with the main selling point that everyone talks about: that joke about Tannis' underwear that keeps coming up... I mean the guns. Yea, the fanbase of this game definitely wouldn't have gotten too excited about that other thing... The wide variety of guns resulting from randomised stats provides the meat of this gameplay loop. And the potatoes too if I were to wager. However, this also presents a problem à la that underdevelopment of ideas I mentioned. While upgrading weapons can prove to be a fun little reward, 3 problems arise from this system. 1) It's unbalanced: I got weapons half way through the game that carried me the entire remainder of the experience, hence removing the biggest reward system in place (though, I understand this is exacerbated in the enhanced version). 2) It's shallow: the guns don't truly play differently, even across weapon types (I used a combat rifle over my sniper rifle for sniping because it was genuinely better at it). The randomised stats don't provide anything more than bigger numbers for the sake of bigger numbers. Enemy health goes up and so too must damage, the end. I've seen some shallow things in my life, but this system is starting to Border on Tinder lands. 3) It's annoying and dissonant: the game otherwise portrays itself as an FPS with RPG elements, as demonstrated by the critical system which rewards skill in aiming and timing over stats. AND YET accuracy is a randomised stat on weapons! Why reward skill in a game that is programmed to regularly neglect your input? I swear sometimes the bullets actually came out backwards in order to avoid a target at point-blank range just to fulfil the accuracy stat quota for misses. Accuracy is of particular annoyance when using iron sights or scopes as being hit knocks your camera around. And as the game is all about 1-4 of you taking on 20-30 people (who have aim tracking) at once; you are constantly being hit. 4) I can't count Now I played this game alone because making friends is for successful people, and I clearly don't associate with success if my life choices tell you anything. I understand the game is more enjoyable with comrades, and is designed around that fact. Singleplayer works, but do yourself a favour and bring along some people to talk to because guns aren't the only underdevelopment in this puberty ****. Quests are also shallow and fighting through the same enemy-respawning landscape back and forth to fetch something leaves a lot of time for conversation. Otherwise it's self-reflection, and nobody wants that. This goes double, triple and quadruple for the second half of the game when the initial charm has worn off and you're left with a barebones plot, some overpowered weapons and the same 3-4 enemy types to kill over and over. The final act will likely leave you with enough thinking room while playing to write a PhD awarding thesis. So at least Borderlands is an educational game. Other annoyances include invisible walls, and models with hit boxes that are too big for random junk strewn on the floor meaning you need to be an Olympic pole-vaulter to get over some random tin can on the ground you didn't even see. Also, a small FoV with too much happening around you, and skags (everything about them). Like most things, the game is not without merit however. The only exceptions to that rule are reviews written by Qarren, and the Justice League film. The cell-shaded art style is nice. I'll always advocate for art direction over graphical fidelity, and as such Borderlands still looks good today. Levelling skills is rewarding. The music is also good if you don't get sick of the same 3 songs on repeat for the entire 20+ hour length. But, let's be honest with ourselves; we've all listened to a song on repeat for 20+ hours. Mine was 'Entry of the Gladiators' because I'm such a clown. I'm not funny, but people can't take me seriously regardless. Borderlands is a good time waster with friends. The merits outweigh the issues, but there are many an issue. Seriously, f^ck skags.

Some things seem great in theory, but don't work in practice. And some things end up better in practice than in theory. And some things are better in both than either. Pokémon Snap is the strange, dissonant latter. In theory, a game about on-rails photography is lame, yet the game is awesome. And in practice, the game could use an extra element or 2, yet in theory the simple, relaxing nature is the ideal aesthetic. Are you confused? Good. Then we can begin. Pokémon Snap is a low key game about photographing the popular franchise's creatures. There's also puzzle solving, secret finding and interaction with the creatures' AI. All of this makes for a tidy, compact experience lasting ~5 hours. I want to address something at this time: A short game is not a bad game. There is some misconception here that the experience is not enjoyable simply because of short length, but no. If I had short length, but I lasted hours and still had a largely satisfying experience I'd still make for a good choice to have some fun. Maybe games works on different rules to my hypothetical sex life, but the point still stands. As do I. Yes, the game could use another level or 2. And yes, the game could use another interaction or mode to change up gameplay rewardingly. And yes, the game could use less repetition of the same few iconic pokemon. This is particularly true given the game's goal. Pokémon already has the 'Collect Em All' tagline. I'm not sure why Wildlife Photography Simulator 1999 decided it needs less variation than a mainline entry. I still love this game because of that key relaxing nature I mentioned earlier. This game is better than weed, bro. I don't get why people get high, or why lame people say they get high on life. Get high on Pokémon Snap. It's more effective than the former, and 2000x less likely to drive away friends than the latter. Simply experiencing this beautifully laid out world full of cute and interesting creatures is pure joy. It's lovely to see pokemon do their own thing, and it's lovely to interact with them once you've piffed enough apples at them to both haemorrhage them and give them cyanide poisoning. Or, if you're in a rush, just use the so-called "pester balls" to gas them. If I ever become a wildlife photographer; oh you know I'mma use chemical warfare on those adorable critters. There's going to be a new section of Geneva for this shutterbug. This is where that extra element or mode to reward players comes into play. Though I found that I never had to MLG Pokémon Snap to beat the story; not realising this I ended up stressing somewhat about timing and aiming with the N64 controller. Puzzles can also occasionally feel fairly loose and undefined considering the interactions and controls, but this isn't usually an issue. Some challenge is necessary, even in a relaxing game, to incentivise progress and, as I said, the bar to beat the game is still fairly low. This was merely another example of Qarren getting in his own head. And I only evicted that guy from there last week. However, it made me think; unlikely as that may seem. There are rewards for progression in the game. First is pokemon food, then pester balls, and as you get into the end game you can speed up. And finally, there's the pokemon flute they give you right at the end to unlock more interactions with the locals of Pokémon Island. Yes, that's its name. Don't blame me. I didn't write it. I wrote this review, so you realise it could've been worse. Those flute interactions come a little too late to be of any real use, so consider that a reward for progress rather than a necessary tool for it. A little bit of extra life pumped back into a game you've now traversed almost entirely 3-4 times. That's nice, but let's take it a step further. As a true reward for beating the game, how about a tool or mode that allows you to go slower or even stop. That way you could truly let out the photographer in you. Believe it or not, actual wildlife photographers don't keep the Jeep pedals to the floor when they try to take photos. This is Pokémon Snap, not Pokémon Drive-By: G-Rated edition. To keep the competition in check, these photos shouldn't to add to your score. There's already a personal album available in the game. Simply add these photos to that; a small but effective reward to extend the life of the game somewhat. It may not be the best idea, but you can see my line of thinking. So could you please pick that up and put it back in my head. I've lost a lot of those lines. Pokémon Snap is an imperfect paradise. It's a good vibes machine. But like all such machines, humans can't enjoy it endlessly. The gameplay is unique and fun, and the world and soundtrack are ecstasy in digital form. You should play this game once whether you love or hate it. Please don't tell me you're still upset that I made sex jokes while discussing a franchise intended for kids. You're the one still thinking about it. Maybe you're weird.

I can't say I've never been called a hoarder before, but this time felt different. I've found it's more respectable among society if you're hoarding wealth instead of copies of Big Rigs, even if you burn a town or hundred to the ground to do so. But besides reminding me of a horrific fact of human nature, HOARD also proves to be a fun little time waster. Keep in mind going forward, that I am basing this review off of my experience beating all the singleplayer levels of at least bronze ranking and proving myself over other AI dragons. I'm sure multiplayer is great for this game, and likely the point, but I only ever buy friends when they're on discount on Craigslist and, ironically enough, there weren't any fire sales on people at the time. So how does HOARD stack up as a singleplayer experience? Decent. What you'd also experience for a tenner at a gentlemen's club is my best comparison. You had a good time, but you'll deny it if your family asks. The idea is simple. All 3 game modes revolve around achieving a high score in some way. You burn towns, farms and wagons to collect gold. Princesses, knights, archers, giants, thieves and wizard towers add complications to that goal. At certain intervals of treasure collection you also level up and spend points to increase your dragons capabilities, and pick up powerups spread across any given map. On its own, this simple gameplay is fun for a while and solid enough to provide a challenge. Then, on certain maps, you add to the list of complications in your life when other dragons compete for that glittery golden goodness. Once again, it's another simple complication that won't add to your stress levels too much. That is, at first anyway. Early on, you'll wonder why the other dragons even bother. They seem unable to collect as much treasure as you can and, instead, spend their time fairly benevolently. They'll kill any thief they can get their fire breaths on, whether he be headed for their gold pile, or yours. That's cute. Soon enough however, you'll notice the other discrepancies. It seems strange to me that when you play the exact same map, with the same goal, using the same mechanics that AI dragons start off stronger than you. They level like you do, yet their base momentum and attack is higher than yours. While waiting for those early villages to spawn you might find yourself running away from the other dragon because until other villages spawn to distract his ADHD-stricken, flame-happy, special self he might just decide to murder you for his own amusement and what pitiful amount of gold you've managed to get a handle on so far. And you're likely not getting away if he does. This violent psychopathy of your multi-coloured friends doesn't seem to extend to each other, however. At least, not as far as I saw. Until you out-level them with your smarter-head-brain tactics, it seems it's stacks-on Qarren. This isn't much of a problem in the normal game mode simply titled 'Treasure' for some unknowable reason; I say, shrugging. But in the next game mode where you have to snatch so many princesses that the Me Too movement would simply break down at the thought of it, it starts to become noticeable as you don't have that extra time to make up for your early handicap. As while computer dragons seem unable to gather gold in any urgent manner, they sure do whisk away royal girls with swift enthusiasm. That's not concerning at all... The final mode is a survival one. Last as long as you can against knights and wizards and archers and claustrophobia without another dragon in sight. This is where the biggest problems lie. First let me say that the controls are quite fine. Not perfect, but perfectly usable. Except on keyboard. Don't do that. Get a controller. It's just constant screams of agony otherwise. Nonetheless, the dragon is very slightly slippery, but you should be able to handle him just fine almost immediately. Yet survival might test you on that. Most of the 4 maps rely on removing big patches of the board so you have very little manoeuvring room like a covid nightmare, and then filling those small spaces to the brim with knights and wizard towers. I found, like with much of this game, it's not so much about survival skills as it is luck. I don't remember this game's description mentioning bullet-hell anywhere. They must have forgotten that. But oh wait, bullet-hell games rely on pattern recognition and super tight controls and manoeuvrability. I already mentioned movement, but pattern recognition? "Bah" the developers say. Randomly spawn the wizard towers and let them all upgrade quickly into rapid fire obelisks of death that can snipe you from across the map. You'll find this game is absolutely doable to a gold standard, but it might take a turn or two for the RNG to give you a necessary hand. May the odds be ever in your favour. All in all, a rather pretty BOARD game aesthetic and nice music for a fun game best experienced for 5 minutes at a time.

Remember Brink? Of course you do. Everyone does. Everyone remembers when Bethesda, in the same year they published Skyrim, also published Team Fortress 1.5. Everyone remembers it because it was an absolute flop. The history of this game began and ended in the brink of an eye. Brink goes in the same genre as Bigs Rigs does, or Sharknado does for film. The game is so hilariously bad that it's actually entertaining. Where to even begin with this monument of gaming history? I know. Let's start with what the game does right. And that's about it for what the game does right. Oh, all right. I'll be fair. I can give the game a couple of compliments. Firstly, the gunplay isn't actually that bad. It's far from perfect. But in a game like this the gunplay is the absolute foundation, and -had it not been for everything else- this might have carried the game to at least mediocrity, or consistent playability. The guns feel as they do in most other team-based shooters. They don't have the greatest impact, but they're not nerf guns either. And there a good level of feedback in the otherwise goofy animations of enemies being hit. Except melee; that looks like that scene in Dragon Ball where Goku beats up his fiancé using only the air between them. Except less cool, and less inspiring. And I do have to give it to Bethesda. They tried. It is evident that they did put in some effort, at least conceptually. I don't know if you remember, but there was actually quite a lot of hype preceding this game. People were desperate for the next big competitive multiplayer shooter, and Brink proposed some decent innovation. A complicated movement system that would later make Titanfall a star, and also make Call of Duty another failure. Wow, context is everything, huh. Open maps with optional objectives to increase strategy and force unity in a team. It all seemed so beautiful, until the fire nation attacked. Optimization? What's that? Bethesda asked as they ported a buggy console game to the PC poorly, furthering the bugs' heritage. Even after unlocking fps limits on the PC version you may find that Brink just vibes with 30fps, or often less. Certain areas of each map mean frames yeeting themselves to the nether, never to be seen again. I don't know, maybe that was on purpose. It could be a useful strategy to lay in wait in an area you know will mess with the enemy teams' on a spiritual level. But if that's not enough, that's just the singleplayer. Any of the multiplayer lobbies still open today, are built on the thousand-thousand corpses of good pings. I giggled like a school girl on oxy every time I shot at an enemy only for him to appear behind me all "nothing personnel, kid" style. The crashes were the funniest though. I bet you think the buttons on the menu are for navigation. Well, you're mostly right, but you're forgetting the RNG counter that sometimes deems them the crash to desktop button. It's not consistent either, it could be any button. Predatory menu buttons just lying in wait in the long grass to pounce when a clueless player walks by. Or that time that I loaded the game up only to not have any input. Didn't do anything different, the game just decided it wasn't feeling it today. This game actually has the personality of an angsty teen built into its basic operation. I f&#king love it. But how about that 1 in 5 times you actually make it into a game? Well, I mostly stuck to the singleplayer which CLEARLY wasn't their focus. So judge this review by your intentions with the game, as they may not line up with the consensus. I did get curious and tried the multiplayer and found the 1 other person playing this game in 2021. We didn't say a word, but I could tell we bonded immediately. Just 2 unique souls in a world intent on only playing good games. I miss him. Anyway, the AI are the scum of the Earth. I don't know where my team mates went for 90% of the missions. I assume they took vacations to Tampa. I would push the primary objective alone and completely fail, only for the entire squad to show up at the very last second, complete the objective and take all the credit. Seriously, I couldn't count on them for anything except running into my line of fire until it was time for last minute cram, and they would show up dramatically to the exam and ace it immediately. I always hated those students. The enemies however. Oh boy, do I have even less idea what was going on there. Firefights always looked like an introvert-only party. Everyone standing in a room staring at each other silently until one smart kid decides to loose a bullet. Then all hell is raised. Still no bullets of course, but the spam of grenades. Jesus couldn't clutch that game of minesweeper in a thousand years. I'm out of characters? But I didn't mention half of this game's 'qualities.' Perhaps there is no character limit on our planet that could adequately describe this game. Like the Great Pyramids of Giza, this wonder you have to see for yourself.

Well, if this game didn't kill our Lorde then nothing will. Oh wait, Dead HORDE. Meh, my concept was more interesting. Welcome to a world where everything adds nothing, and nothing does anything. You are plopped in this world of zombies... *ahem* MUTANTS; and told to get to a military base where it's supposedly safe. There. Story done, basic motivation achieved. Any interest or concern for this character or world not even attempted. That's fine; not every game needs a lorebook to accompany it to be a good game. It just needs said basic gameplay motivation and context. But geez people, even if the story is bad have some self-esteem (I state hypocritically). It occurs in a loading screen, but rather than play out while the loading takes place to provide distraction it waits until the loading is done and then slowly and barely visibly fade in half a barely-English sentence at a time. Was the audience for Dead Horde 4 year olds who need to sound out every syllable? Or 94 year olds who need to do the same? But unlike the worlds slowest text crawl for Dead Horde's final credits, we shall move on. What do you do in this game? You run and gun. No innovations here, just back to basics. Take the Left 4 Dead enemy archetypes of swarm fodder, fat belchers, cocaine-addled runners and Olympic high jumpers and you got this game's cast of zany characters. Then take the mechanics of... nothing and you got this game's mechanics. Then take the weapons from Serious Sam and strip them of anything resembling fun and you have this game's loadout. This game boasts an immersive movement system including actions such as lightly jogging like the undead population of Beijing isn't on your ass, and dodge rolling which is both highly necessary and completely f&^king useless. Anything stronger than the most basic zombie will have no problem catching up to you after rolling a grand total of 3 feet, 1 of them before you even finish the animation. You run backwards slower than forwards as an attempt to balance out the still primary tactic of backpedalling in circles mowing down your adoring fans. Once again however, besides the most basic zombie type, not including the random regular zombies that are faster than the other regular zombies, these lil' fellas run as fast as you or faster. So ankle nibbling is a hot new trend that you literally cannot help but join in on sometimes. And that's ignoring the awful aiming for dodge rolling that will more often end you up stuck on some shin-high piles of trash that stop you dead horde in your tracks. That part is particularly annoying. The maps are designed like a kid scribbling with an invisible ink pen, and you forgot to bring your trusty black light. Every tiny prop next to a wall or large object acts as a corner to trap you in helplessly before you even realize what happened. And that's still forgetting the ACTUAL invisible walls everywhere. So far we actually take the run out of run-and-gun gameplay, and yet don't at all. "Okay then, Qarren, you pre-object permanence dunce," you say, "why not just fight back then?" Haha, Billy, you stupid, insolent zombie snack. No. Weapons in this game, yeah those aren't top military weapons. Those things be nothing more than fancy water pistols. You can upgrade them so you think "great, you just have to invest and you'll eventually get a satisfying weapon of mass mutant destruction." Haha Billy. Just f%&king no. Upgrade any weapon 100% and you'll find you just spent a third world country's entire wealth to turn your water pistol into a low-pressure hose. Enemies aren't going down any quicker, lad. Not to mention the particularly bullet spongy enemies like the fatsos who can take 3 fully upgraded missiles to the face and wonder why that annoying fly keeps landing on them. So there's also no gun in this run-and-gun game, and yet once a-f&%king-gain there still absolutely is. I should mention there are vehicle sections. About 3 of them to be precise. They're cool for the whole 10 seconds they last each time, before disappearing from the game entirely after level 4. At this point I start to believe they didn't even have the time or budget to make budget cuts. Just had to rush out a product. Then there's animations. I mean, there's 1 or 2. Zombie run cycles are so clearly choppy you wonder if they were coded to run at 1 frame a step. Then there's the attack animation. Oh wait, NO THERE ISN'T. They simply get in your general vicinity and your health just drains away like a funnel itself made out of water. Even the fatsos who do have a noticeable attack animation function this way. Think you dodged their caustic upchuck? Think again, Billy, you belch-covered buffoon. The attack happens WAY before the animation. It's just there to let you know that the fat sh$t attacked you 20 minutes ago. You start to understand what I mean by everything adds nothing, and nothing does anything. Well good for you Billy, you stingy tap-weasel. Don't play this game.

I've been lied to. The biggest conundrum here isn't the quantum one, but the conundrum of whether this game tries too hard to be Portal, or doesn't try hard enough. Quantum mechanics ain't got nothin' on the intricacies of Game Feel. And that's just it. The mixed reviews Quantum Conundrum receives always circle around this game's connection to and clear influence from Portal, and to what extent that was achieved. I'm shamed to say that I won't be breaking the mould today. There's no opinion on this game so controversial that it can't be reasoned by the simple fact that this game is inherently going to compared to a game often considered a masterpiece. But alas, they tried and I'll never discourage that in game development. If you stop trying, you'll start developing ANTHEMs; and nobody wants that. So why do people consider this an inferior Portal? Let's see. Storywise, there's little to tell. You're a boy dropped off at his genius Uncle's mansion, experiment goes wrong, Uncle gets trapped in another dimension and you have to save him. You're the good ol' silent protagonist type, like Portal, in order to allow the player to insert themselves into the character. Except, finding portraits of yourself sulking during previous visits to the manor starts to rub away that blank slate that defines a silent protagonist. Not a big deal, but it's a small example of a rolling snowball that demonstrates how this game misses the Portal mark in the most nuanced ways. Also remember that Portal immersively and subtly created a dark atmosphere of suspense surrounding the whimsical cover? And how that added depth to a story with little actual driving action? Conundrum doesn't do that. Conundrum has the depth of a piece of paper left in an industrial hydraulic press. Also remember how GLADOS was a well-written and witty narrator that was utilised sparingly so as to not become annoying? Well guess which parts of that sentence Conundrum got switched around! About 3 throwaway one-liners or lines giving useless information per puzzle make your Uncle a less-welcome entertainer and narrator than Adam Sandler was an adult. Besides a shallow rendition of the Portal identity that reads as a blurb to the real text, what else can a humble Valve fan expect to revisit? Gameplay structure, that's what. A puzzle platformer that uses science-fiction devices to manipulate the game world to open the door at the end of the room, and rinse and repeat. Weight, time and gravity are yours to toy with, and instead of using this godlike power to rule the world, or at least mess with PS5 scalpers, you silently vow to save the Uncle who rejects you in favour of a Cheshire Cat cosplayer. 2/3 of this game these bargain-bin-infinity-gauntlet puzzles are good. They may seem to replicate Portal's straightforward mechanics in a highly controlled environment, but you'll soon learn. The last hour or 2 of the game becomes less about puzzle and solution, and more about ridiculous precision platforming. And suddenly these aren't highly controlled environments anymore. Eventually, you'll befall the ironic fate of relying on chaos theory. Rather than waste time attempting to time actions out to the nano-second and having to wait an hour for mistimed set-pieces to align in your favour again, the real solution is just to play God's Playground with quantum reality until eventually things kind of just work out. If Portal had suddenly changed genre in the final act, and had been this loose and undefined with its setups then that classic Valve fear of 3 might have been 2. I don't suppose Quantum Conundrum 2 fixed these problems, considering that improvement has a pre-requisite of actually f&$king existing. Okay, so it focuses too heavily on platforming in the end. Plenty of games change their gameplay towards the end. So does it do so to make you adapt the skills you learned to a new, unique set of challenges? Maybe. Hard to tell because of the simple fact that this kind of formula twist only works when the foundational mechanics are still designed to f^#king support it. The simple platforming in the early game is usable, and actually quite fun. But precision platforming when the FOV at its smallest means you can't see the floor for about 3 metres in front of you, and the largest, only a few points later, warps the world worse than wearing drunk goggles while high on shrooms tends to mean that you have no sense of space... in a 3D platformer. Not to mention how much of this requires the manipulation of momentum, otherwise known as the one physics concept you have absolutely no control over. Sure, just time out this jump when you can't move your platform more than 1 metre per minute so you won't reach the thing you're supposed to land on without buying airline tickets first. So that's Portal, except with less character, consistency and attention to detail. I had a good time mostly. I just wish Ike hadn't become my goofy sleep paralysis demon.

You ever notice how the hardest puzzles in Adventure Games are the very first few? You know. When you don't understand the extent of it, haven't mapped out all the interactables yet, and most notably, you still haven't worked out where it sits on the scale of 1-10 of adventure game leaps of logic. Where 1 is a game that makes perfect sense and all the solutions come naturally, and 10 is when you have to use that random piece of gum to stick the 2 halves of the moon back together. I'd say Gemini Rue is about a 4. The solutions aren't ever the first ones that come to mind, but they make sense for the learning impaired kid who was always just a few steps behind the rest of the class. This game is a Timmy. I'mma start with the visual because this'll be a controversial statement. This game looks like the result of a 2 Girls 1 Cup incident. I've had rectal exams that were prettier than this and I always forget that you're not supposed to eat before those and have my usual breakfast of baked-beans and All-Bran. Pixel Art is a fine line which is ironic because the style itself usually prevents fine lines. I totally understand that pixel art can be used to convey the imagery on a budget and without going all Harry Potter PS1 Hagrid; where you try to add too much detail with too little time or money. Nonetheless, the fact is, unless properly stylized pixel art looks bad. This is one of those times. You'd be led to believe that this is one of the times it is stylized properly considering how much the game's marketing goes on about a dark film-noir atmosphere. This is incorrect. Film noir isn't simply any film with less lighting. The key aesthetic feature of film-noir is that it is specifically very high contrast lighting, meaning the shadows are very defined as well as dark. And this can be achieved with varying amounts of light. Another misassumption is that film-noir means little-to-no use of colour, considering the movement started during black and white film which accentuated the high contrast lighting. Looking at modern and neo-noir films shows that filmmakers know this, and use colour as splendidly as any other genre. Just look at Blade Runner. This is all to say that, while the game may be noir in theme, it is not in style. The result is simply a game with dark but low contrast lighting, desaturated colours, and very unclear pixel art; the opposite of stylization. It looks bad. The story is indeed noir though. It explores a darker aspect of humanity or society, maintains a good level of mystery and discovery throughout, and appropriately imposes consequences on subject and action. This is good, and very noir. The dialogue can often be awkward, and clichés abound. The ending also isn't overly satisfying, but if clean resolutions are what you're looking for then noir is the genre you should ask the receipt for if given to you as a gift. You might instead be looking for The Brady Bunch, or the Teletubbies. Overall, the story is likely this game's finest feature. I already stated where Gemini Rue lies on the spectrum of point-n-click adventure logic. An example to explain why. Azriel is holding a plug which he needs to insert on a platform just above him. There is a hole in the floor of the platform. It's too high for him to throw the plug through, but there is a box to stand on nearby. Easy, right? Move the box under the hole, stand on it and throw the plug again. Lol no. He gets on the box and tosses that plug with all his might, and it falls over flaccid; disappointing everyone involved. It did not go any higher than when he threw it from the ground. Apparently boxes sap his strength until his best effort comes up short and floppy. Actually this is starting to make sense; and its relatable. Well played Gemini Rue, well played. I won't state the solution for spoiler's sake, but let's just say I'm starting to see a strange fascination with danglers here. The solution made sense too, but why it was needed in the first place was poorly presented. Many other puzzles have this same process. Not illogical, but hardly pragmatic. 4. Other gameplay includes combat which is easily won by waiting and shooting wildly as soon as the enemies stick their soon-to-be-featureless faces out of cover. The only remaining gameplay variant is 2 ventilation puzzle-book type puzzles. The first of which was my personal hell of blunt forcing your way through a puzzle, and the second which basically solved itself. Don't ask me for my analysis of what happened here. I don't know. So now I've played Gemini Rue, which is strange because I thought Geminis never regretted anything. If you want my unprofessional opinion then yes, you absolutely should check out that thing with your doctor. As for the game, there are P&C Adventures that do everything better, but nothing here is truly awful. It's a good stake for those who love the genre. Otherwise, maybe look into some others first. Oh, now I get it. I do Rue the time I dated a Gemini.

Mass murder is funny isn't it? Now that that's out of the way let's talk about a unique franchise called Serious Sam. Serious Sam which has had a lasting legacy, not on the gaming industry but on the fans. Serious Sam which, despite being relatively archaic in culture and design, has survived to this day. Serious Sam which is a franchise I've now ran out of grandiose statements to make about. Serious Sam. And I play this game and I wonder why. Why has this strange cult classic had the staying power that better games failed at? I'm not saying this to reproach the game or fans. I genuinely believe it's an interesting case study. Let's discuss why: I played this game a lot when I was younger and had fewer games to play, and it was great. I played it again just now and I did not enjoy myself nearly as much. Narratively, it's good. It isn't intended to be a philosophical space opera. It doesn't take itself seriously at all. So narratively, all we're asking for here is slight context for the gameplay. It does just that and adds a few punchlines in for good measure. Nothing hysterical, but a few good lines that truly reflect the early 2000s absurdist comedy culture in the games industry. In so many ways this game parodies its predecessors, DOOM and Duke Nukem. But it doesn't stay long. Some scrawling text at the beginning and cheap one-liner at the end. We're losing a war against an alien empire and Sam travels back in time to stop it. I have no idea what our goal is in travelling back in time. But hey, Sammy is an improv kinda guy. Art-wise, the game once again reflects the time and inspirations. I love ancient Egyptian aesthetics in games, but not much is really done here with it. It's basic geometry tailored to create a functional battle arena rather than look interesting or accurate. It works and it's not ugly. The resolution and menus don't scale well to modern systems, but that's why they released the HD versions. What's important here is gameplay. It's the early 2000s approach of gameplay first. As it should be... EA. Regardless, this is where it loses me and will likely lose many others. This game can be hard. Irksome even. The core loop relies on run-and-gun mindless action, which usually means the devs hoped the simple mechanics and waves of viscera will carry the entire game. Personally, it doesn't. Gaming pet peeves of mine include stun-locking, bullet-hell level of dangers in non-bullet-hell games, and difficulty which simply increases enemy count, health and damage. This game presents all of these to varying degrees. Stun-locking only happens with a couple of enemies, and only in high enough numbers so I can give it a pass since that's inherent in their gameplay design. The other 2 are as well. There aren't as many stars in the sky as there is crap on the screen at some points. And that's all the difficulty settings really do. I understand that kind of dumb fun works for people and I don't begrudge them. I just can't relate. That fact is made worse by the pacing in this game. Levels begin a reasonable length, but eventually increase to marathon levels. That's tiring enough, but all the enemies barring boss-types are introduced in the first 3-4. So nothing new is introduced to the gameplay loop for 70% of the game. Instead, they rely cheaply on the same few encounters. I thought I was playing Groundhog Day the game when I fought my 50th arena of 500 bulls or kleers and nothing else, despite mastering the tactic for that fight 10 levels ago. It's the speech-stutter of level design. You just can't quite spit it out and keep repeating the same 2 syllables over and over again. If this were a child, I'd have given up on him in infancy. After all that, most bosses, including the final, are a bigger disappointment than I am. That is Seriously saying Sam-thing too. The hardest fights are just before the final boss or about 3 levels ago. Like I say, game pacing is just whack here. Obviously the large enemy number and complexity is integrated into the game design. I don't want to give the impression I thought the devs were dumb. They're most certainly not. The variety in weapons of mass destruction is where things even out. So it is a thought out and crafted experience in the end. In fact, the minigun, laser gun and cannon are just the "I don't feel like doing this right now" guns. I also love that cannon balls have a small bounce if you fire while jumping. I don't know why. So how did this underdog franchise win? Well, it most definitely shines more in co-op. Otherwise I don't entirely know, but I'm honestly happy it did. It may not be for me, but I can respect others enjoying this interesting piece of culture. There internet. You have my approval to like this. You're welcome. Don't say I never do anything for you.

You ever play a game that just refuses to f$*king end? The game comes to a natural conclusion, in gameplay if not narrative, but decides to go another round. Or three. Or seven. Or ten. Or maybe you should just hand me your keys, Jewel Quest Mysteries: Curse of the Emerald Tear. Christ, even the title never stops. What can I say about this Hidden Object Game except "why?" Why is this genre full of examples of games that decide they need a minimum length greater than they can budget assets for? This game is a prime specimen of that. There are 17 hidden objects scenes which you unlock 1 by 1 after completing a number of previously beaten scenes and the one you just unlocked. That doesn't quite add up, does it? For every level you unlock -barring the first 4- you have to beat an additional 4 levels per permutation. That's a grand total of 17 scenes for 75 games of I Spy. Meaning you beat every level at least 4 times. Ignoring the horrible monotony that introduces to the gameplay loop, let's look at how that effects the difficulty progression, shall we? The games starts out with simple hidden objects lists as it should. Then, as you progress, it adds complexity to these lists with increased number of objects, vaguer descriptions and better hiding spots; a tried and true formula. Except when you consider that you now know these scenes better than you know yourself. It becomes less a game of 'find the hidden object' and more 'remember were you last saw your keys and wallet.' This isn't a difficulty curve so much as it is a difficulty parabola. Then there's the upgrades which are a neat idea, but they're mostly useful in the early game when you don't know the scenes, before you can actually afford them. So 4 out of 5 of these upgrades may never see any real use. As far as HOGs go, the story actually works well. It provides conflict, and motivation to the gameplay. Although I'm electing to ignore the usual HOG ludonarrative dissonance. "I'm on a quest to find Tutankhamen's lost sacred treasure. Luckily I'm finding all these clues to its whereabouts," your character says as she continues to pick up random US dollar bills and modern kitchen utensils. Of course, that's totally King Tut's favourite skateboard. He was THE historical sk8er boi. Perhaps history degrees are less useful in this universe than our own. That's the real fiction. Otherwise it is mostly historically accurate, and alludes to greater conspiracies which is always a good idea for a HOG. Just try to ignore the world's least dramatic cliff-hanger ending. My only real complaint regards my previous rant about the game's length. Do yall know the term 'red herring'? Because I'm pretty sure that term was coined specifically for this game. If you argue otherwise I'm just going to claim you got your history degree at the same university as Emma Holmes here. Most HOGs include other puzzles or adventure mechanics in order to break the monotony of the gameplay loop, but here we have the reverse. You see, Emma-reld Tear is actually a spin-off game of a non-HOG puzzle franchise simply titled Jewel Quest. Here the hidden objects break the monotony of the match-3 puzzle board gameplay. For being the titular mechanic, the puzzle boards you play at the end of every permutation are unwelcome. My kids are no longer allowed to bring puzzle boards into my house. They can carry out that disgusting habit in the back alleys like the other puzzle kids. You complete a board by making a match on every tile. Really, it's 2 aspects that ruin this experience. First is the coins, used for useless specials, which have an upper limit of how many can be on the board. This means that if all of them are on the board and evenly distanced, then they now present an almost permanent obstacle to other matches being made there. Secondly is the board shapes. They start off fine and square, but then they hit teens and grow awkward hairs around the side. This is a problem because now it mostly requires RNG to match them. You have to hope the right jewels fall at their base, because there's no other directions matches can be made from. And good luck trying to get jewels from elsewhere to their position without them being matched and destroyed. Now the game's not just monotonous, but frustrating as well. Those are always a winning combo. The Tetris-like puzzles I have no real complaints for, but subjectively they weren't for me. The game's art is nice, but it suffers from the same low resolution scaling that other HOGs from this time do. This can still make it hard to make out certain objects. I can only think of 3 memorable scenes, the other's are just fine. This could be better given the importance of scene art in this genre, but it works well enough. The game's okay, but the official health advice is to block out a long weekend for it. Also official advice is to not study history at a tertiary level. But that's just common sense...

How many Hidden Object Games does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don’t know, I couldn’t find any. Okay, now that anyone with any discernable taste is gone, I’m here to address the rest of you. So there’s this game, it’s called Luxor Adventures. It’s a HOG and a half. What were my first impressions? I don’t know. I beat this game that is way too long, and I still don’t think I got any first impressions. I find some truly unique sensations playing old or unknown games. Story, huh? Well, lemme tell you something. This game is a ghost story. Not in the sense that this game involves any level of haunting or interaction with the undead, no. I mean that, like a ghost story, you’re down on your luck; you’re poor and bored. You find an ad for this game somewhere. It’s a little off, but it’s going cheap and you could use the break. You get the last copy of this game and load it up. At first everything seems normal; ambiguous cartoon cutscenes, usual HOG puzzles, the whole affair. But one day you realize you’ve misplaced the story somewhere. Ironically, you can’t find it no matter how hard you look. Then it just turns up. Did you leave that there? Did you even touch it? *Shrugs* Oh well, HOGs be weird. But then, the more you play it, the more the story makes itself known. Suddenly, you’re confused and afraid. But what to do? You tell anyone who will listen; friends, family, the local priest. But when they come over and you load up the game, no story happens. You scream and yell: “There is a story I tell you! I saw it with my own eyes!” But everyone just thinks you’re mad. And then… It ends. That was anti-climactic. Ghost story. Moving on. This game overstays its welcome. I’ve had weird uncles, down on their luck, stay at my place that have been less burdensome, and left more appropriately. This game features 10 episodes, except for the fact that there are only 5 episodes, twice. Those 5 episodes were already getting lengthy enough and failing to hold my attention as the ghost story dwindled away. But to do them all again? And twice as long this time? And the ghost pisses off completely, making you question your sanity. Was it there at all? ****. Too long. And not worth it. The second time you do each hidden object scene, you’re asked to find 2 lists of objects, including all the ones that you’ve already found and know the location of. Why? They could have simply not programmed the second half of the game, and it would have been better. The scenes themselves are okay. It suffers from the same resolution stretching as other HOGs by the same publisher, but more workable this time. The art isn’t terrible this time either. 1 or 2 scenes I thought looked really nice, but I’ve always liked the ancient Egyptian aesthetic. And they do it justice in many of these scenes. And there wasn’t any pixel hunting that I recall. So that’s good. They include a variety of other game types to somewhat counteract the long playtime. More than other HOGs include. You have ‘spot the differences’ which was a favourite of mine. It presented a nice break while maintaining the foundational mechanics of a HOG. Similarly, there was ‘find and assemble puzzle pieces;’ starting to get mediocre. There were card games, bejewelled games and mahjong games which were fun, if a little too derivative. And then you have the luxor game itself where you shoot coloured marbles to match and destroy them before they reach the end of their path. These were okay at first, but actually became an annoyance. You see, you are left with too few options when you can only shoot vertically and only move on a horizontal axis, but the paths towards the end start favouring vertical straights. You either waste time waiting for the marbles to come back around, or keep firing off balls until you get the colour of the marble at the back of the train. The overreliance on this tactic to increase difficulty towards the end ruined the simple fun the game started off as. In the main HOG gameplay, they tried to add variety by including crossword-style clues for objects, and an object you have to place on another related object. The keyword here being ‘tried’ because it don’t add nothing to the experience in truth. But I appreciate the effort. At least you can’t say that Luxor Adventures is going limp fish on you. If you’d ever actually say that… There’s not too much more to say about this game. There are no glaring flaws, but it’s far from perfect. They add a great level of variety to the gameplay, but it’s mostly cheap and drags out the experience way too long. The story's dumb, but it has enough self-awareness to make itself scarce before you’ve had a chance to get to know it well enough. If you like Hidden Object games play half of it, and then donate the other half to a kid in Africa… I don’t know. Luxor is a city in Egypt, by the way. I was not aware of that. I was confused.

It's becoming hard to believe I'm reviewing Alien Breed: Impact again. Though this entry is titled Alien Breed 3: Descent, there's nothing 3 about it. Barring maybe it's position on my list of the best entries in the Alien Breed Trilogy. Right off the bat, you'll likely note the universal critique that this game does not justify its existence as a sequel. Instead copying and pasting the previous entry and adding the red filter over the previously green interface, not unlike New Vegas from Fallout 3. Unfortunately, I have to agree with the masses here, so once again - anything I stated in my reviews of the previous two games, Alien Breed: Impact and Alien Breed 2: Assault, applies here unless explicitly stated otherwise. I'd recommend reading those first for a full picture. Story wise, this game is appropriately the third and final act, including all downsides of that structure when separating 3 equal length games. You see, in the 3 act structure, the acts are not intended to be the same length. The setup is the shortest, followed by the conclusion and the middle action far outweighs them both. Except all three of these games are 5 levels each meaning that the conclusion here is mind-numbingly drawn out. This game is four levels of faffing about in the back of the class until the final level poses a test; forcing you to cram any relevant study in as quickly as possible. And overall, it's not satisfying. Klein is neither interesting, despite their best attempts at a philosophical or sympathetic nature, nor threatening as he sends more endless waves of the same aliens that you've already genocided twice in the past 24 hours. Dictators be hatin'. Gameplay wise, there isn't much to add. It's somehow worse, and not just because I was completely sick of the same gameplay I'd been experiencing like some sort of dystopian time loop plot. For one thing, they decided the backlash against the fixed camera sections in the last game meant they were heading in the right direction like the plot of an episode of some generic comedy with an idiot character. As much as they provide a break in the usual aesthetic, they still control like piloting an RC plane using only a fork clenched in your ass. But that's honestly the minor issue. You might expect that a trilogy of practically the same game thrice would use that system as a means to introduce a difficulty curve over the course of the series, and you'd be somewhat correct in that assumption. Though these levels prove to be more of a difficulty roller coaster than a nice curve (like a difficulty bodice) and this entry does something simply annoying. It's not enough that most of the boss encounters have one of my absolute worst pet peeve mechanics - infinitely spawning adds. But the cheapness of the whole affair starts to stink of gas station sushi. When the previous entry started spamming the small face hugger enemies the difficulty was already starting to show signs of discounting price, but some of these levels have them spawning near you at a constant rate of about 1 per second. Enjoy interacting with anything when you have to keep stopping halfway through to haemorrhage yet another baby bug. Adding to this is the constriction of information. Half the levels have huge blacked out areas where eyesight cannot penetrate the two feet of torchlight before you. A red dot will appear on your radar and before you can even see the slimy git he's already nibbling your ankles. However, the real kicker is that they just gave up on having enemies spawn in fair and interesting nodes. Now enemies will simply burst open holes directly underneath you meaning you have no defence for 1-2 hits. And good luck seeing these fools when aliens can clip each other and occupy the same space, yet only one of them will take the bullets, or they just might hide the hole under you with their irritating carcasses and hence the alien in said hole. Suddenly, damage is just happening to you as if trying to mimic the cancerous cells in your body. These are difficulty mechanics you find in a bargain bin. What's left after all of that, though? There's water everywhere that slows you down. Yay... There's the constantly repeating two voice clips of the villain laughing. The Tourette's of Disney villainy, I call that. Oooh, there's the note I've never had space to mention before regarding every other characters' incessant need to end any dialogue sentence directed at Conrad with his name, Conrad. This is funny at first, Conrad. But honestly it gets really distracting, Conrad. And it is quite literally the first lesson in dialogue every writer learns, Conrad. It's unnatural, yet it's a common mistake, Conrad. I guess they just don't know how else to address Conrad, Conrad. Seriously, you'd think Conrad is his formal title, not his name, with how often these people have to drool it out their mechanical mouthpieces. The game is simply tired. It's a tried and untrue formula. Take that as you will. Conrad.

Hahaha. Oh sorry, didn’t see you there. I’m just laughing at Ben Stiller’s acting career in children’s entertainment. But honestly, I’d rather watch Mr Stiller act like a man-child all day than play Escape the Museum. The only real joke here is the joke of life, where you’ll be wishing for the punch-line of death from the literal second you open this game. In all my years, experiencing the many wonders of the gaming universe, never once have I been so astounded by a game. The absolute level of incompetence and lethargy that goes into making a game like this is unreasonably impressive. I’m just going to say it. This game is bad. This game is so bad it actually inspired Michael Jackson to write a song about it. It’s so bad it makes ‘The Room’ a masterpiece of film. It’s so bad… well, you get the point. And I haven’t even begun to explain why. The first thing you'll notice when you open the game is that, despite being a 2008 game, it only natively runs in 800x600. Off to a great start here. It will stretch to 16:9 widescreen, but there are some freak -shows of contortionism you’re just never meant to see. And if you, like me, have a 16:10 screen or other non-standard screen size then it won’t scale at all. You get to play spot the pixel on the tiny box in the centre of your screen. I really mean that. If your options are between tiny box that you have to embed your face in your monitor to see, or stretching and tearing even the process of birthing can’t compete with, then a Hidden Object Game, of all genres, is the absolute worst place you can start. I wasn’t lying about pixel hunting. This game makes Sierra cry. I glued my eyes to the tiny game screen and searched high and low for any sign of a flute in one level, but I just couldn’t do it. I caved and used a hint and it pointed me in the right direction. What’s that? Those 3 almost imperceptible black pixels in the absolute back of the room were supposed to indicate the shaft of an otherwise completely obscured flute. Excuse me, what the f%$k? Even at normal resolutions that might be considered a little cheap for a HOG. The art style doesn’t help either. Forget the atrocious Microsoft Paint cutscenes, where uncanny valley starts to look like uncanny Mariana’s trench, the regular art isn’t much better. Now, museums are boring, but this is a HOG where artistically rendered scenes are supposed to provide a gorgeous backdrop to the gameplay to immerse and motivate you to continue scanning them up and down like a grocery store pervert. This game is nothing but the cause of serious eye-bleeding given the strain required to see anything in this terrible optimization, and then to actually make out what you’re seeing in this lazy, uninspired artwork. I cannot recommend enough that if this game ever opens in your vicinity that you close your eyes until it leaves of its own accord, no matter how long it takes. Don’t risk it. The story doesn’t really motivate the HOG gameplay either. Once again let’s just try to forget the cut scene dialogue that proves ‘The Room’ to be a masterclass in dialogue writing, and instead focus on your objectives in this game. An earthquake trapped you and your daughter in a museum, and you are separated so you have to puzzle your way through each room in order to be reunited and escape. That’s all good and dandy so far. A good motivation and conflict, and that explains the escape room puzzles. What about the hidden object rooms, however? You know why you stop to find and collect things while your daughter remains in danger of being crushed like a **** in a vice? Because your boss wants you to protect the valuable artifacts. It’s not the dumbest logic. You have dedicated your life to this stuff, and I can ignore the video game logic that you just fit all these artifacts in your back pocket. But then why, I ask, are you not collecting the valuable historic treasures, and instead finding the usual HOG affair of random f%#king dominos and pin tacks? Even opposite world wouldn’t explain these priorities. I do like how the dialogue unwittingly suggests that Dad is the daughter’s favourite. Yeah, screw you Mum, and you’re willingness to put yourself in several life or death situations in order to save me; I wish Dad was here instead. It was beautiful to watch this interesting family dynamic. We now arrive at the other puzzles. The weight and puzzle picture minigames provide some nice breaks in the usual gameplay loop, although the weight puzzles are boring and the pictures are equally as hard to make out as the flute that is but isn’t there. The escape room puzzles are really simple, often resorting to pixel hunting as well, but they are a godsend compared to the hidden object rooms. In the end, I would highly recommend this game to the blind, deaf and dumb. They are the only ones who could find enjoyment in this hilarious travesty. I actually like Night at the Museum.

Really? I have a haunted past and I don't feel the need to put it on a cover. Though mine has less to do with a so-called 'Realm of Ghosts,' and more to do with a realm of incompetency and burn out. But personal anecdotes aside, let me tell you about my experience with this game. Obviously the first note to make is that I'm a tad older than their intended audience. Just a tad. Just a decade or so. So while playing the game on the advanced difficulty, I can't claim to have experienced any challenge here. But if buying this for children aged around 10, I believe this may just keep them distracted for a while. I'd say at least long enough for 4 or 5 trips to the grocery store, or whatever it is that adults do. I have yet to find out. Narratively speaking, this game is actually darker than I'd expect for a young audience. There's plenty of envy, murder, and fear of an innocent man being executed by hanging. Maybe if your kid is the next generation of goth, they'll find a happy home here... ironically. There are several minor jumpscares and potentially freaky imagery that balances the line of 'maybe too much for a 9 year old' and 'mundane as a French riot for a 10 year old.' Nonetheless, is the story satisfying, you ask? Sure, for an hour long game where the entirety of the voiced dialogue is given through a microphone so dull and filtered you can't remember whether this was a game about a realm of ghosts or a realm of robots. I do giggle when one of the 2 tag lines on the box states "There is a realm beyond our own" as if children couldn't work out that murderous robot-ghosts aren't a part of our normal, everyday realm. I know kids be dumb, but not that dumb. They're 'falling for a phone scam' dumb, not 'voting in a tv show host for president' dumb. Visually speaking, the game is adequate. It was made in 2011 yet while it does scale to widescreen, the program looks and behaves as if it wasn't meant to be displayed in widescreen. It is clearly stretched, there are no resolution options and it does that thing old 4:3 games do on modern systems where the screen has to adapt to them and so resizes any other program open in the background. It's not a problem, and it won't hamper your experience at all, but we were well beyond that kind of thing by 2011. Maybe that's why it's called Haunted Past. The ancient, ghostly age of 1280x960 technology. Sends shivers down my spine for sure. The artwork is nice enough. Nothing standout here, but some environments such as the courtyard are beautifully designed. The ghostly, white light sheen of the spirit realm is a pleasing aesthetic and necessary break from the dark blue filter of the normal realm. 1 or 2 scenes genuinely give a lovely, creepy atmosphere (there's the goth in me coming out). Audially speaking, there is a dissonance between hearing the sounds of thunderstorms indoors when none of the outdoors areas display any thunder. Similarly, the many windows have a small effect of rain outside, yet heading to the outside clearly shows that the rain is entirely in your protagonist's head. That's the strangest mental illness I've weather heard of. The ambient sound effects bother me too. Sound artists not talking to the visual artists is bad enough, especially in a game about a haunted house - a genre literally all about atmosphere and ambience. But what's worse is when they don't communicate with the programmers. There are scenes where you hear the skip in the ambient sound clip when it loops. That was incredibly distracting. The sounds themselves aren't anything extraordinary either, ironically. If there was any more work to be done on this game, the sound department is where it was. I've taken more atmospheric dumps than some of these sound effects and ambience tracks. Mechanically speaking, the game has puzzles and hidden object images. The hidden object puzzles are good enough. A bit simple, given that the only difficulty comes from low resolution and monotone use of colour. But otherwise satisfying and a nice break from the adventure game style puzzles of the world. These are also mostly straightforward, only relying on cheap curveballs like pixel hunting and leaps of logic maybe 3 times the entire game. Even then, the design is simple enough to keep you in the right direction anyway. The only other mechanic is the jumping between ghost realm and people realm. I'm not usually a fan of this overdone 'Link to the Past' mechanic of puzzling through 2 connected worlds that are slightly different. But here it works because of its simplicity. You merely find objects in the ghost realm and hide them so they appear in the people realm. Straightforward and a nice little extra step to somewhat prevent too much reliance on 'just click everything.' Haunted Past oversells itself a little. Not the best HOG I've played, not even the best haunted house HOG meant for kids I've played, but still a good experience. I'm an adult, just to be clear. Just so you know... Anyway...

You know, if I had a choice of which fictional aliens to be invaded by, it would be these kindly gentlemen. These fellows, who never fail to stop and wait their turn when a cutscene begins; simply standing there awkwardly asking if they can go yet, like me at a party. But funny alien breedhaviour aside, this is game is a sequel, apparently. The most significant difference you will find between Alien Breed: Impact and Alien Breed 2: Assault is that the text and HUD changed from blue to green. There, your most impactful improvement is quite literally the same system as Pokemon Blue and Green (or Red for non Japanese types, though apparently the next game brings in the red aesthetic so full circle, here we come). I'm really not kidding. This has the same feel to it as buying individual episodes of a Tell Tale series. It's the exact same game, it's just the next part. So read my review of Alien Breed: Impact for the fundamentals. As, unless stated otherwise, everything in that review applies here. May as well start with story as that's mostly what this game is supposed to bring to the Alien Breed table if the big '2' in the title didn't tip you off to that. It continues exactly where the last one left off and... that's it. There's some development that incidentally calls the title into question, and there's two random philosophical lines/quotes about life and death for some reason. They don't explore that as a theme, I think they just liked hearing the words. Otherwise, it's more dissonant than anything. Comrade Conrad acts like a real goof in any cutscene despite supposedly being a gruff action hero. And Mia... Good lord, Mia. She acts all sweet in the comic book cutscenes, but when you meet her in game she talks to you like you JUST divorced her. It's like the text dialogue and the voiced dialogue were written by two different people. And there is more text dialogue here than an actual text adventure. I couldn't tell you what 90% of it said. I think it usually boiled down to "turn the power on... you idiot." Gameplay wise it's pretty much the same, except it's also pretty much not the same. Same mechanics, sure, but designed differently. One aspect that became a minor irritation in the first game was that there was a lack of vertical aiming, you had to rely on Conrad's autotargeting for anything not at eye level. That usually meant he would lob a few shots over the heads of small targets like the zergling face huggers, and eventually they would die when one bullet was forced down by the hand of God to lightly smite its scalp. This would occasionally happen with large enemies too. To this day I have no idea what Conrad was aiming at. Maybe there was a spider on the ceiling and he doesn't like spiders. Worse than horrid murder aliens, spiders are. This is so much worse here on a general level and I have no idea why. But even worse is that they suddenly figured out how to make levels have more Y-axis variability. Seemingly, ramps are a new invention so everyone wants 4 in their backyards. If you are now asking how you shoot enemies that are lower or higher than the ground you're standing on, without having any vertical aiming, then you'd be a wise, worldly fellow. Truth is, you don't. You either move well away, or wait for Conrad to decide the enemy is close enough to risk the extra stress on his back to slightly bend over. I guess it's progressive to have an action hero that needs a back brace. There are a few other little ticks from the first game that they doubled down on here. The first game already had so many random explosions and screen shake that even Michael Bay would think it was overkill. Doubled down, this now makes the game appear more like super Michael Bay's new found footage film. Seeing anything at all is just 76.658% harder now. Spray and Pray is tactical grade A here. Finally, I have to mention the camera. Everyone does and uniqueness is never a trait that I screamed other than being uniquely gifted in self-loathing. I guess they took everyone's feedback on the last game's camera and decided to have several sections with a fixed point camera instead of its usual floaty self. That was not a good idea. Stick to what you know, I say, or become Alien Breed 2: Assault. Good luck knowing what the hell is going on in any of these sections, as the camera super glues itself to the corner like timeout from my abusive nanny, and decides vision and spatial awareness is for nerds. We're too cool to have defined viewpoints. There are some good points, of course. They couldn't possibly have learned nothing; they're not me from the ages of 12-21. They made waypoints guide you to the objective rather than sticking on one end of the map and saying 'come play hide and seek in this endless series of hallways.' There's also less backtracking, somewhat (remember that caveat?). Nothing else, that's all. It's the same game, but shakier (literally). Play the first game twice for a better experience.

If Smash is a mix up of all popular Nintendo characters, then Alien Breed: Impact is a mix up of all popular sci-fi shooters. So what do you get if you mix the atmosphere of Dead Space with the action mechanics of Alien Swarm, the corridors and objectives of Doom, and the sound effect libraries of Halo and Half Life? You get 5-6 hours of something so eerily familiar, and yet what the HELL IS THAT? I'd like to give this review my usual level of flair and intricacy, but despite finishing this game only an hour ago I just gosh darn don't remember any specific instant of this game, only the vagaries of a dark hallway and... several more dark hallways. I mean really, is trying to one-up a haunted house on its poor lighting choices really a decent investment? I'd make a joke here about the game saving money on the energy bill, but I swear to God, 4 out of 5 of these levels involved some degree of 'turn the power grid back on.' Environmentalists be warned. To be fair, I did have a good time playing through the singleplayer campaign. Yes, the gameplay is repetitive to the point the game's short runtime is a blessing better than Jesus himself. Yes, the game isn't much to look at; existing during the time of "brown hallways with shallow lighting fixtures means our game is dark, edgy and action-packed" (Remember those days?). Yes, the games camera and controls are finicky, though not to the point of true frustration. And yes, for some dumb reason, 70% of the random, barely-perceptible, barely-worth-a-thought-in-your-precious-little-brain-space clutter on the ground will stop Conrad dead in his space tracks. As will half the walls if you graze them slightly too tightly and they blow their whistles on you. BUT at least it did have some atmosphere. And the shooting was satisfying... most of the time. Just accept that any compliment I give this game has the caveat of 'most of the time' and you'll be dandy, Randy. I've gone on long enough without talking narrative as I am usually want to do. So. The narrative. It is... present? It did turn up to work on time, so I guess you can say it made an effort today. The story exists only to contextualise the action, somewhat. That'll be another regular caveat. Conrad, which I couldn't stop hearing as comrade, is the usual few-words-given but soft-at-heart action hero. And then there's the narrator, I mean Mia, who tells you what to do. Yeah, that's about it. Let's just move on. I stated earlier that this game mixes its gameplay loop from elements of Alien Swarm and Doom. I wasn't exaggerating for effect. It's an isometric shooter like Alien Swarm where swarms of aliens try to kill you as you traverse the map completing objectives and kindly fixing the aliens' lead deficiencies. The biggest difference is how the camera works. In Alien Swarm it was a fixed point camera, here you swivel the camera around overhead. And this is necessary if you want to see anything. There's more clutter, less light and colour, and tighter corridors than Swarm. The other half of that equation is Doom (which is generally how I viewed maths in high school anyway). You know how in Doom you walk around corridors shooting things until you find a keycard or switch to progress? Well, in Alien Breed you walk around corridors shooting things until you find a keycard or switch to progress. The only difference here is that there really isn't much of a difference here. There's more backtracking here I guess. Which doesn't help with the already repetitive nature of the game. What else? There's upgrades for weapons. They're... neat. Honestly, I say I like this game because the action is satisfying enough to carry the short runtime. And there are actually a couple of interesting sequences such as a boss or a chase. But more than that, I personally believe the strange differences here make for a unique atmosphere which can be fun to immerse yourself in. The menus and effects, both visual and sound, for text or image displays add that small dev team creep factor which I genuinely like. And while it's not matched by the lighting, graphics or art design, the animations are good. I like how Conrad walks and turns, and searches dead bodies. Although the interaction animation that you'll see a lot isn't much to look at. And how they chose which way to allow you to interact, whether it be the seemingly randomly decided amount of time you have to hold the button when near a screen or the couple of times that it's only a single button press, for which purpose confuses me. Adding to this is that strange floating isometric camera that causes annoyance amongst Alien Swarm fans, which I can understand. However, I feel this also added to the atmosphere. Making it isometric rather than first-person kept the budget down and this camera means you can still get the sense of turning a corner into the dark unknown. Or as my parents would refer to it, 'my sexuality.' It's not great, but if you look for the fun, you'll find it.

I want to start out this review by saying that I am in no way experienced in turn-based RPGs. This is the first game in the genre that I've beaten. It's not a genre I am particularly good at or interested in. Regardless, I have an opinion and the kind folks of Metacritic are going to let me say my piece. Though that piece will be more relevant to newcomers of the genre like I. Let's start with the narrative. The narrative is... there. There is dialogue, though it is awkward and largely unnecessary. I still can't work out why I needed my experience to be interrupted for a 5 minute conversation on how big the visually big gate is. Or why every battle starts out with a minute of flavour text, though I use the word 'flavour' loosely. Personally I've found more flavour in a bowl of vanilla ice-cream cereal topped with white chocolate. Usually it just ends up with one of my heroes kindly explaining to the random, unintelligent bat how slim his chances of victory are. Thanks Calibretto, I really needed that. Otherwise, the story is generic fantasy tale number B, including an uninteresting cast of supposedly complex heroes who are as two-sided as a one-way mirror, a generic big bad evil and an overreaching dark wizard; sound familiar? All this to say that the box-art feature of this game is that it has absolutely no respect for your time. If their invention of the time-consuming-lack-of-plot wasn't enough, then I'm here to talk gameplay. And oh boy, is there a lot of gameplay. Not to say there's a lot of unique gameplay, or depth of gameplay, just that you have to do a lot of it. Welcome to a world where abilities are mostly useless as everything is measured solely in damage, not utility or strategy. Meaning if you're having trouble with a fight then you're not playing it wrong, you just forgot to do your mandatory 2-3 hour grind for levels and gear between dungeons. And even then several enemies are still given oceans of health and damage, meaning back to the grinding board for you. One-shots are all too common in an otherwise snail-pace game, supposedly about tactics and wise use of abilities. Again, no respect for your time. And don't even ask me about the final boss which, for the average player, simply isn't viable with most party makeups. It's Garrison or nothing. Levelling and collecting gear is slow too. And I wouldn't expect your grinding of dungeons to drop relevant gear, because that occurs less than a benevolent politician. Even when completing a dungeon on legendary, the highest difficulty in the regular game, expect no more than 1-2 pieces of gear, and both will usually be for a character not in your current party. I understand not every player will have that problem. It's up to luck. But it shouldn't be. Why isn't gear dropped at least somewhat weighted towards the characters used to collect it. This shouldn't be a problem for any player. Truth is, I argue this though I know it's of no consequence. Farming dungeons for gear is a waste of time. At this point 'Waste of Time' should be Battle Chasers subtitle. 'Nightwar' is generic enough to be accurate too though. Instead, crafting is the path to usable gear. Now I already hear you asking; why is crafting in a turn-based RPG with a loot system, and why is it absolutely necessary for beating the game? Well, dear students, the answer is simple: Hell if I know. Minecraft, I spose' So have fun grinding out ancient vampire acne which drops randomly from a randomly spawning monster in a randomised dungeon. Oh look, lots of ludicrous RNG for necessary loot, or in other words "example #153 of how this game has zero respect for your time." This is an MMO worthy time gate, yet without the reason of selling subscriptions or DLC. It's there as a conscious effort in wasting away one's short life, I assume. There's no other reason for it. It's not fun or challenging. So if the game is a dull grind, with cheap combat and enemies, and a plot so bare-bones it would make an elephant graveyard envious, then what is there to enjoy? Well not the art style or music. Hey kids, can you say 'generic fantasy soundtrack?' Because you'll be saying that with every monotone track you hear, and that extends to sound effects too. That second part is a particular shame as strong sound effects could negate the lame combat animations that not only don't represent exciting action, but actually work to erase that phrase from your mind. No more can I watch an animation of giant war machine readying a giant party heal in a close up camera shot with shadows falling over the background only for him to prepare a tiny little ball of magic, lift his arms up slightly as some green washes over characters' feet with a faded groan sound weaker than my morning wake-up groans. And, of course, it's unskippable. Battle Chasers: Nightwar "Wasting your life seconds at a time" TM. I wondered how this game could be so lame and wasteful, but then I found it on Google Play Store. It's a mobile game.

I remember once trying to play The Witcher after starting up the third game in the series, getting to the interview where you're asked about your choices in previous games and being overwhelmed. In order to understand the third game, I said, I must experience the first. And experience it I did. For 30 minutes. Enough to do the prologue and get into the first chapter and decide this combat was the single worst experience I've had with one hand. Regardless, after falling head over heels for the Netflix adaption of the novels I decided all three games must be given proper due. And you know what? The combat was manageable. Wasn't fun exactly, but it wasn't a deterrent anymore. Most people will still see rhythm game mechanics in an rpg and quit while they're ahead though, so allow me to fill in the gaps in their missing experience. Since I already mentioned the combat a lot, and so does everyone else, may as well start by finishing my thought there. If you don't know this game made an attempt to blend traditional rpg mechanics with a more modern action rpg style and created a pseudo-rhythmic approach to fighting. You click to start an attack sequence and click at intervals to continue it for more damage, and bonus damage for precise timing. There is a dodging mechanic, though I say that lightly because if you use it for more than boss fights or really large groups early on let me know. I'd be truly interested in that solely unique experience of yours. Otherwise two potions, swallow and blizzard, can trivialise any fight you so desire. So enough of the obvious. To talk about the appearance at all wouldn't be saying much. It's a 2008 game by a relatively small company at the time. It looks fine, but some animations simply confuse me. Apparently in this universe children model their run cycle after a headless chicken. And otherwise the use of the same four models over and over again breaks some immersion but if you got over the hump that is the combat you'll get over this ant hill. Story-wise you'll get your generic fantasy affair. The enemies serve a purpose to the plot and no more, and soon get pushed aside anyway. There's a minor twist heavily suggested at the end, but if you're not a parent and don't wish to be, like myself, it will mean little to you. It's not like it's ever brought up again anyway. I have no more praise for the story than the choices either. A lot of the actual plot is steamrolled by the themes of witcher neutrality or choice. But since both factions are pretty shallow and neither is likeable it merely becomes another instance of Skyrim civil war syndrome. Choice for the sake of choice. And as much as the characters like to insist you can't stay neutral, you can and it's actually the easiest path. So much for exploring the downsides to neutrality in theme and action, because none of that matters anyway. The interface is usable but it isn't great, though you'll think it was as clear as polished air if you make it to the sequel. And otherwise quests, both main and side are fine. You may find some confusion in quest and objective tracking. Just remember that quests can last 2 or more chapters and you'll be sweet as sickly honey. None of them are mind blowing, but very few are complete bore-fests as well. Now to mix story and presentation here and talk about cutscenes and control of information. If at any point while playing this game you find yourself asking 'what just happened?' or 'what the hell are you talking about?' fear not. This happens so often I can only assume it's a feature. And I don't mean extended lore either, the game is actually pretty good about that and if you can't clue out a lore point from context then it's likely you can and are encouraged to buy a book on it. Otherwise, a half-decent glossary keeps most of it on hand for you. What I'm talking about here, however, is when a cutscene begins in one area and focused on one subject for a few shots and then suddenly the next shot is somewhere completely different and someone starts talking in the middle of a topic as if they'd been there for ten minutes discussing it with you. Allow me to demonstrate: 1 - "Hello how are you?" 2 - "I'm good. How are you?" 1 - "I'm good." Very next shot 3 - "And so the organs of the vleder are surprisingly hot when dissected" I have no words. Sometimes things happen in game but out of sight and then a character will start a conversation with you about what they just did as if you are the only person lacking omniscience in this universe. You weirdo. In the end, you'll understand the story just fine, but 'what?' will become your catch phrase along the way. In terms of progression, you'll find fairly quickly that levels do a lot and if you've done even a couple of side quests then by the end you've foregone even the need for potions. Enemies will fall before you like rain drops and you'd have a hard time taking damage. It's a good power fantasy actually. Overall good, but it's clunk.

I fell in love with the concept of the Witcher franchise after watching the Netflix adaption of the novels and decided to tackle the games. My thoughts after finishing The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings Enhanced Edition are as follows -- how on Earth did this franchise make it to a third game? I'm not trying be grouchy here. I'm genuinely interested in where the budget for the scope of this game's sequel came from. The first game, while I did have a fair amount of enjoyment in it, was certainly no crowd pleaser with its stilted combat system and, while it had a strong fanbase, it had no broad audience of consumers, surely. Yet enough so to fund this game, and this is where it really surprises me. The 2nd game in this franchise is without a doubt suffering from middle child syndrome. The series hit its teen years and boy did it have an awkward time in high school. But enough beating around the bush: specifics, shall we? Let's start with the narrative. By all the means the first act of this game created an intriguing setup. Mysterious assassins of your own order killing monarchs, but why? And as much as the bad guy is quite the charmer (not just me, right?) and there does exist a sense of political intrigue it falls short. The 2nd act is worthily lengthy, but seems to tackle other issues entirely. The plot, the fickle mistress it is, races back in the third act after its absence becomes noted too many times this semester and hands out all the answers in a 5 minute cutscene and 5 hour optional conversation with the final boss. If I could teach you one thing about plot pacing it should be this, the Witcher 2's pacing is a big no no. You get pulled in, dawdle around for 20 hours and then have the biggest info dump in the last hour before an unsatisfying conclusion. No no. But awkward as it is, the story suffices for this rpg. Where the game really faults, is in the.. well.. the game. I can understand that some love this combat system for its difficulty, but hark I say. What a way to go about it. It's not difficult because of intelligent AI, enemy variation or puzzling scenarios to fight your way out of. No no. It's difficult because it's one piece a way from a collapsing Jenga tower. Movement in and out of combat is as far from 1 to 1 as a developer would dare go, which is made more noticeable by the fact that Geralt will get stuck on the tiniest root or pebble on the ground, particularly horrific in the jungle chapter where roots hidden by low brush abound. So good luck getting anywhere when an enemy is charging your kneecaps. Of course, you'll have to try anyway because dodge rolling like you were going down a steep hill covered in baby oil is the ultimate strategy to any fight. Blocking is as useless as a Virtual Boy emulator and you have to unlock countering later on if that's your fancy. So dodge roll all day, but you still won't get anywhere. Have fun. Speaking of levelling. I'm still not entirely sure there is a levelling system in this game. Though there appears to be one on the surface, it seems to only be there to serve as narrative progress and not character progress. No representation of your hard work here. An entire side quest to kill a hive of monsters (as a witcher is like to do) will net you a tenth of a level, yet watch a few narrative important cutscenes and pick a couple of dialogue options and level up 3 times. It's not like it doesn't make any sense, but unsatisfying doesn't cut it. Try 'complete and utter trivialisation of your input in favour of a few cheap one liners and some side boob.' Then again, I'd value the latter over hard work any day. Overall, unless you're really into tackling obtuse challenges or really into the witcher that you need to soak up as many white hairs as possible to make your biologically mutated brush blush, I'd steer clear of this one. And it's likely you already have if you'd played its sequel, The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt. There's no doubt that much of the audience that picked up that game for its critical and commercial success didn't bother to go back to these first two entries and if they did, many of them quit at the door. Which brings me back to my original question; how did the third game even happen? Now I haven't looked up the commercial success or development history of this entry to get my answer in order to maintain a false illusion of ignorance to give this review flair, but still... The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings doesn't value your input or time. It's a decent looking game discounting the ridiculous amount of bloom and contrast in sunny areas of the game that blind you like a quick gander at the sun... from 3 metres away. But otherwise, I cannot recommend this game.

In playing The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt so relatively late into it's life cycle I was at the mercy of incredible expectations created by years of hype and worship of this game. When I finally decided it was time to play through the witcher games (born out of the love for the Netflix adaption), I played through the first, trudged through the second and found myself unshaken by the quality of the 3rd and final entry vs the expectations I had developed for it. I was led to believe the game was a masterpiece of gaming; the ultimate video game. The game is good. The game is very good. But, it's also bad. In every way it pushes the boundaries of what a game and an interactive narrative can be, it also falls short in the most critical or fundamental aspects of this medium. To start, I want to praise the story and how it's told. The story is a truly gripping drama, beginning with the classic investigation of new circumstances and succeeded by a character's need to protect the ones he loves from the big bad. It's not the most original story, but it is as solid as 40 hour investment into a fantasy genre piece can be. More impressive (and I am biased by my background in film here) is the cinematography and character animation during dialogue and cutscenes. CD Project Red truly went to the ends of the Earth to tell a good story in a great way. Every scene is made captivating unlike any other game, aided by great voice acting and direction. You will feel the tension in the drama and the push and pullback in the emotions of the main cast. That is, until you reach the rest. I cannot protest overall at the inclusion of player choice in the narrative, as well implemented as it usually is. However, when the conclusion is summed up by three choices that seemed the most neutral interactions and an aside to the actual plot, my receiving of the 'bad ending' due to my 'negative' choices felt cheap and undeserved. Considering what we've heard recently regarding CD Project Red's treatment of employees with mandatory crunch I guess it should be no surprise that the pragmatic act of accepting payment from a character's father for a job completed is considered a 'negative' choice. I guess they really don't believe in people being compensated for their work. Especially when followed by a fight against a great evil in which all resources should be vital. The other two choices that lead me to the negative outcome left me equally disillusioned. Alas, that shouldn't stop the game from being a generally good experience and so I must move on from narrative to gameplay. Mediocre. That's what it is. Combat, while a vast improvement over the game's predecessors, still feels somewhat tactless. Dodge rolling around a group of enemies while waiting for an opportunity to strike (or wait for an opening use a tool like magic or bombs to create an opportunity to strike if you want to go the, frankly, unnecessary extra step) is still the name of the game. Blocking and countering will most often leave you exposed to a bigger enemy, or from another enemy to the side, and so I play rolly-polly and cut down the first fool to run up to me once I've finished my impromptu break-dancing on the battlefield. Otherwise, a wholly unsatisfying experience, but not necessarily a frustrating or janky one. So, mediocre it is. Where the jank does lie is in the mounts. I hope you like fast travel, because despite my eagerness in the beginning of the game to never use it in order to fully take in the beautifully realised world full of amazing detail, by the end my faithful horse companion, Roach, was the biggest clot to ever trot and I expelled him from my experience. Auto-following a road seemed like a great idea when I first loaded up the game, until I realised just how automated it was. Roach follows the nearest path in any split in the road, whether or not the quest path suggests that route or not, or whether you're trying to nudge him left or right or not. Best practice is to take manual control for a moment and then return to auto-horsing. But that's the weakest of my complaints. I wouldn't try sprinting on Roach if I were you, because it changes his physics and suddenly every slight dint in the road becomes an impenetrable barricade as you watch your horsie gallop on the spot like an invisible treadmill guides his every step. As for boats, just don't bring them near anything. I mean it. Steering them can be awkward enough without the boat being randomly magnetically attracted to nearby rocks, regardless of which direction you're actually sailing. Then you get to watch damage magically appear on your boat as quickly as my dad disappeared when I was a kid. My feelings on the seemingly more tactical progression and levelling are more subjective so I'll merely say it wasn't what I was looking for and otherwise sum up The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt as an amazing attempt to be something more than just a game, so well in fact that it forget to be a fun game first.