DKR

Jumpin jupiters and holy hype, Batman! I've longed to play these games since I saw a youtube clip of UC2 winning numerous GOTY awards, but good grief, Charlie Brown, the wait was NOT worth it. You play Nathan Drake, a goofy nobody that somehow is an expert marksman and climbing enthusiast. His friends and fellow adventurers find a series of clues that are key to unlocking a historical mystery from Marco Polo. The dialogue is excellent, the voice acting is top-notch, and the plot engrosses you immediately, then drops you dead in the waters of on-rails climbing sequences, and mediocre shooting mechanics. What hurts the gameplay so, so badly is there is 0 progression. There's no RPG elements of growing stronger, no perks to customize play style, no A.I. teammates to command, no loadouts, usable items, vehicles, abilities, minimal secrets, no side missions, NOTHING. There's nothing but climbing a wall, poking around for the developer-intended place for you to push the jump button, repeat this for about 30 min, then have a by-the-numbers shootout. You grind this out to get another piece of the story like a trained dog performing tricks. It pans out to be another one of those "playable movies" where you can get everything you want from it in a youtube playthrough. I'm most upset at Dunkey. He's the one that tuned me into UC2. He was shredding Assassin's Creed, and comparing it to THIS! I think he was bought for this one. Still love you, Dunk. Watch a youtube playthrough and pass this one. Too much hype.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

I loved, loved, LOVED DS1. After several ragequits, something about it settled into my heart as a flawed masterpiece....eventually. No matter my hatred for its excessively punishing respawns, DS1 had a great charm to it from its lore, fantasy world, and OUTSTANDING level design. It was dark, somber, but somehow, beautiful, like its ending theme song (youtube Nameless Song ost). Seriously, this team has some amazing imagination. It earned the name "genre-defining". DS3 had big shoes to fill, and missed it. The one thing that immediately turned me off was the input delay. C'mon, folks: it's 2020, this shouldn't be an issue anymore. From swinging your weapon, to casting a spell, to most unforgivable of all: DODGE ROLLING. When you press O to dodge, there's a .5s delay until you roll. That alone broke the game for me and made it unplayable. In DS1, my style THRIVED off of wearing minimal gear, but out-maneuvering my target. The enemy attacks are sometimes super fast, so it rewarded reflexive dodging. I could beat most bosses naked! DS3, you wear heavy equipment in every slot, bc nothing else is viable. There's also no 3 levels to movement speed. You're either under-weight, or overweight. There's also some research that suggests leaving a single slot open largely increases the damage you take. The death system also feels dated. Dying, respawning, and running to where you were gets obnoxiously tedious. Combine that with the numerous OHK's plastering the world or losing your precious currency AGAIN, and you often feel more like you're running on a treadmill. 75% of your game time will be fighting the same enemies over the same stretch of land again and again and again and again bc your roll delays, you're stunlocked, and back to spawn. Worse yet is this punishes you for exploring. Why wander off the path just to be OHK then lose everything? Eventually, you'll just run straight for bonfires bc the combat isn't fun anymore. What's supposed to make this better is summoning others into coop, but they STILL haven't fixed another issue: invasions. Look, if I want to fight a no-life 16 yr old thats spend 1,000 hours perfecting his toon's stats, gear, spells, and every cheap kill on the map, I would say so, but I don't. I want to play COOP: THAT MEANS ME, WITH ONE PERSON ON MY TEAM, VS THE GAME. There's no option to tell these no-lifers to f*** off and LET ME PLAY THE GAME. Once you're invaded, you might as well just turn off your console, bc you won't have a prayer against the no-lifers. Even if you've done all you can to empower your toon, the invader is at least 5x stronger than you in every way, and has about 30 hp potions to your 5 or so. Even if you DO get the upper hand with some outplays, they'll just roll, roll, roll, roll, drink a pot to full hp, then come back, rinse and repeat as necessary until they exhaust all your options. WORST OF ALL, all these ppl do with their lives is sit here, afk in a video game, waiting to invade someone, so you'll find that same kid again and again and again until you burn out your resource used to summon help. Don't EVEN get me started on how buggy, laggy, and sloppy the pvp is, which means even pvp **** guessed it: a huge waste of time. Another beef I have is how DS3 is sooo cryptic, that unless you have the wiki open next to you, you're going to miss 90% of the content. Getting NPC's to join you is waaaay too complicated, the weapon upgrade system isn't explained, the backstabs system is WHOOOOOOO wtffffffff? NOTHING is explained to you. AT. ALL. You have to do so much research, it feels more like school homework. So much time is wasted researching and reading. The game is way too meaty with you chewing and chewing and chewing, through meaty layer after meaty layer of research, respawning, dying, getting invaded, researching, dying, (ofc most of those deaths being the controls or glitches) and never ever getting anywhere. Before you know it, you've spent 10hrs dying, researching, and fighting off an invader b4 you've even seen the 2nd boss, not enjoy a moment of it, and eventually conclude: you'd rather be playing something else. DS3 is nothing but a huge, empty, waste of time. If you have absolutely nothing to do, if you are obsessively competitive, unemployed, or if you can't function w/o bragging and mocking someone, if you get off on tormenting ppl that can't defend themselves and cuss you out, or any of the above, this is your game. I'll leave you with a conversation I had with a DS fanboy that couldn't let criticism of his golden cow go unshamed: "I have np with the game. You're just bad. Gid gud. I got all the achievements." "I got a job."

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

FROM THE COMPANY - THAT'S RIDING ITS LAST DECENT FRANCHISE TO THE GROUND - COMES A SLIGHTLY-ABOVE-MEDIOCRE OPEN WORLD GAME that totally p**ed off moral-authoritarian celibates, married men with buyer's remorse, and feminists. It's just boobs, guys. Try going to the beach. METAL GEAR 5: THE PHANTOM PAIN. EMBARK ON AN UNEXCITING JOURNEY WITH **** Big Boss? Snake? Who doesn't have a whole lot to say this time around; maybe for the better. "Card Keys? Metal Gear? Psycho **** is joined by some other cardboard quest dispensers with familiar names. BE IMMERSED IN BAD KOJIMA FAN-FICTION, WHERE THE PLOT'S ONLY ELEMENTS ARE BEATEN TO DEATH MORE THAN A MAN FALSELY ACCUSED OF HARASSMENT. Something something, NINE YEARS AGO. Something something, MOTHERBASE. Something something, CIPHER...SKULL FACE. Kojima must have wrote the first half of the plot in a Tweet. ARM YOURSELF TO THE TEETH WITH BOSSBIGBOSSNAKE'S MASSIVE INVENTORY OF SADISTIC TOYS TO TOTALLY F*** WITH THE MINDS OF YOUR 1 ENEMY: CLUELESS GUARDS. Ha! I never was a hot-chick taped to a cardboard box! RESEARCH AN IMPRESSIVE ARSENAL OF GUNS, ROCKETS, ROCKET ROBO ARMS, to massacre waves of defensless NPC's. We've done that to death since GTA1 in '97; aren't we bored of that by now? OR SUPER BALLOONS THAT CAN LIFT ANYTHING OFF THE GROUND WITH ENOUGH UPGRADES. Did I seriously just pick up a TANK? FREAKIN' AWESOME! TRY TO HAVE FUN AS YOU FIGHT THE GAME'S TOUGHEST BOSS: THE CONTROLS; GIVING YOU PROBLEMS LIKE: GETTING STUCK ON COVER, CAN'T TAKE COVER, DOING A FULL 360 BY PRESSING "up", FAILING TO CRAWL OVER A ROCK MAKING YOU STAND UP AND RUIN YOUR MISSION, SLIGHT INCLINES THAT YOU CAN NEITHER RUN OVER NOR SCALE, AUTO AIM THAT PREVENTS HEAD-SHOTS, VEHICLES WITH 2 SPEEDS THAT CRASH INTO EVERYTHING, AND COVER. THAT DOESN'T COVER YOU. Oh, come on! What'd he spot, my ponytail?? STRUGGLE IN FUTILITY AS YOU TRY TO DECRYPT THE MISSION RANKING SYSTEM AS YOU TRY TO NOT GET SPOTTED, TO BE QUIET, NON-LETHAL, AND SPEEDY, only see some d*** bag on youtube ride the horse right into enemies and gun them down with unsilenced weapons and set off 4 alarms all in 6 minutes AND STILL GET S! WTF?? THAT TOOK ME HALF AN HOUR FOR A C!! SO STRAP ON YOUR EYE PATCH, CHOMP ON YOUR TIME-TRAVELING CIGAR, and get ready to crawl on your stomach for 700 meters, rescue some guy, run back out, something something CIPHER....9 YEARS AGO....SKULL FACE.... ad infinitum in Kojima's worst story telling yet, but then you can to do side missions without rules! Hehehe, hands **** stay still...I'm...aiming this...mortar....BOOM! HA ****! STARRING: MIDGET MANTIS FIREY STOMACH ACHES REVOLVES HIS PERSONALITY-A-LOT 9 YEARS AGO....CIPHER...SKULL **** destroyed their anti-air radar? Quiet-ly showing her boooooooobs POORLY NAMED BAD GUY (for real, Kojima, stop describing your characters in one word names. THE PAIN. THE SORROW. THE END. QUIET. SKULL FACE. What's next, The Protagonist?) THIS IS THE TUTORIAL THAT NEVERRR EEEEEEENDS...... Thanks for getting me out of the hospital, Cut-scene Man! See you in the next console shooter! COM-LINK STORY ****.... THE PROTAGONIST METAL GEAR VEEEE: THE PHANTOM GAME A dev for Halo called Quiet "disgusting". Bold move from the team that made Cortana.

So close to perfection, yet so far. Way back in 2007, Valve released its most ambitious title yet, and it paid off. "After 9 years in development", TF2 made the largest strides in perfecting competitive FPS, but it didn't stop there. Stylized visuals, hilarious characters, non-self-serious presentation, a monthly plethora of new content, excellent balancing, and endless possibilities from community content all set the eternal standard of FPS games. TF2 will live on forever as the most lovingly crafted, high quality, trend setting shooter of all time. SAY WHAT? ITS TOTALLY FREE?? Almost perfect! Almost. After 3k hours in the game, I think I can say my peace. It's THE most addictive fun you will EVER have in an online game...until defense realizes they can spam demos, pyros, and engies, then wait out the match. Demomen can spam heavy-hitting, large aoe sticky-bombs, pyros can hold W+m1 to wipe out a team solo, and nothing can counter engi spam. TF2 is a classic until you get a SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM match. Any other match in-between is decided by who's willing to play medic. A vast majority of TF2 games are offense turtling up to build their medic's UberCharge to make 2 players invuln so they can rush the spammy defense; hoping the enemy medic doesnt do the same with their own medic. You see, w/o class limits, there's nothing that punishes players for spamming this, so spam they will, and boy will they spam. Valve said themselves in the commentary that they wanted to eliminated 'nade spam. Well, you failed. Horribly, and have continued to fail this for over 11 years now. Next issue is - unlike overwatch's more controlled, 6v6 setting - games can be 24 (OR MORE) players large. HOLY S*#@. This bring so many problems. 1st and obviously, EVERY MATCH IS A GODDAMNED CLUSTER F#@$. No wonder everyone plays pyro! Everyone's spinning like a beyblade bc friendly/enemy players are everywhere!! 2nd is bandwidth. When 5+ players fight on a point, the rubber banding gets really bad. Be prepared to teleport from place to place, get stuck on walls, can't jump ect. 3rd and most importantly, you as an individual bring NOTHING to the team. It's all about yelling at your teammates to stop trickling so you can form a ratking and tumble-weed into the fray of spam. If you're on the bad team, everything you do is meaningless. The bandwidth brings hit detection issues too. Spy can backstab enemies for instakills, but the detection is some of the wonkiest s* I've ever seen. My spy can stab an enemy's back 5+times for no damage, but an enemy spy can backstab me IN THE FACE. Headshots are f* up too! Clear headshots dont count, but missing=more head shots...? What are these hit boxes?? But the most unforgivable sin of all, the reason I quit TF2: RANDOM. CRITS. Of all this game's brilliant ideas, some dumba* thought it genius for players to randomly do triple damage to each other. I've ended matches with 18 deaths, and EVERYONE OF THEM WAS A RANDOM CRIT! I had a Heavy kill me with random crits 7 LIVES IN A ROW!!! You think demo spam was bad, wait til he launches 1, little nade that crits and kills 5+ people IN ONE SHOT. Do you have any idea how many duels you will lose bc your opponents damage randomly tripled and yours didn't? A melee crit can one shot almost everyone in TF2, resulting in really unfair insta-picks for the lucky one, and these crits are NOT rare, either. Valve has ignored the community's groans against this for over a decade. My favorite was MvM mode where 6 coop players fight hordes of robots. I could play it forever, but the community is growing more toxic . Players are either too stupid, don't listen, or queue in groups of 3+ and wait til the end of the hour-long gauntlet ( mostly spent waiting for the 6th player to connect, or for the kick cooldown to finish and kick the 3 trolls) and kick you for no reason other than to waste your time and crush your spirit, and there's nothing you can do about it except stop giving Valve money for it. Speaking of, the community is HEAVILY abusing this kick system like I've never seen it before. I carry teams as mvp and still get kicked swiftly. Caution advised. TF2 has more than enough content, is more than addictive enough, and more than enough of a playerbase to keep you playing forever, but once you see a hail of fire, bombs, and sentries, it's time for a new game. The growing toxicity is deterring too. Finally, why are TF2's graphics so goddamn demanding? It should run on an N64. TF2 is like having a sadistic p**n star as girlfriend. She'll abuse you badly, scream at you, destroy your house, threaten you, attack you, rob you blind, and its hell on earth, but when its time to hit the bed, its the best damn sex you could ever **** is it worth it? That's up to you. Edit: competitive mode is dead. Been in queue for 4hrs. Not one game.

Randomstone! Randoms of Randomcraft! Remember the first days of the grand Pokemon phenomenon? No, bc you're too young. Roughly 20yrs ago, Pokemon trading cards was like drugs for kids. I'm surprised it didn't make its own ghettos with gang wars and Snoop Puppy making a rap song about them. It had every kid fighting, every teacher banning them, and every christian pastor was losing their s* over it. They copied Magic cards verbatim and made them cuter. Problem: your viability depended on how much money your parents were willing dump into your endless addiction. You'd buy a pack full of s*y cards hoping 1 or more were decent. It was like legalized gambling. One thing's for sure: it was printing money for **** faster than our Federal Reserve ever could. HoW didn't learn (correction: didn't care) from past mistakes (correction: good marketing). All the starting cards ****, and viability is fortified by a paywall the size of a ****. There are top-teir cards that give such an advantage, it should say "click here to win", Or better, "click here to win for 5.99". The presentation - contrarily - is brilliantly done. Shiny, flashy, pretty, soothing sound track, great voices, beautiful art, and Warcraft's charming humor often makes its way in (ie dropping the Raid Leader card and he shouts 'HANDLE IT!'). Critics have compared it to a glorified slot machine, and I couldn't say it better myself. It's laughable that people can take this competitively in any way. A game that has the word "random" twice or more isn't competitive. Let's see how HoW plays out: The game begins. You are RANDOMLY selected a few cards from your deck. You can choose which ones stay, or to RANDOMLY switch it out for another. You then draw a RANDOM card. Your opponent draws a RANDOM card. You place a card that RANDOMLY attacks friend/foe. They play a card that RANDOMLY kills everything on the board except for one RANDOMLY chosen card in play. They RANDOMLY draw 2 cards they combine that's ready to end the game in just 2 turns. But did you RANDOMLY get the card to counter it? No? WHAM! 1 more turn....still nope. WHAM gg. **** DO get the card, counter him completely and gg; YOU WIN. F* what is happening to video games??? With a pair of die and a little imagination, you can play this game for free w/o electricity! There's also single player, but it's even worse. I played against a boss that 2 shot me in the 3rd turn. I didn't even get a f*ing chance to draw 4 card and he 2 shot me 5x in a row. Who designed this SP?? Dunkey? And these gold-brick critics and their perfect scores. I'm gonna puke. "DID SUM1 SAY MOAR MUNNYZ??//1!"

Since my review is cut in half and I have no fkn clue as to how, I'll keep it short. Its like this: you spawn, fight enemies, instadeath. you spawn, fight enemies, boss 2 shots you. You spawn, fight enemies, ur R1 locks up, instadeath. You spawn, fight enemies, high lvl player invades and 1shots you. You spawn, fight enemies, instadeath. You spawn, fight enemies, get to boss, your pixel-perfect-required roll/parry fails in the FPS drop, instadeath. You spawn, turn human hoping to invite some coop/NPC help, fight enemies, make it to summon, high lvl player invades and backstabs you...from 30ft away while you have him locked on, instadeath. You spawn, fight enemies, R1 locks up, instadeath. You spawn, fight enemies, make it to boss, abuse a cheap tactic, win boss, and next spawn point, and repeat. The game actively encourages you to abuse the ever living f* s* out of any exploit you can just to reverse the numerous unfair deaths. it's so tedious and time consuming your passion to finish it will fizzle out, and you'll grow weary of the tantalizing torture. ...mostly bc the ps3 port is dogsh. There's a reason streamers play the xbox version.

Blizzard. King of MMO's, ARTS, RTS, and now FPS. Last to conquer is the every growing, ever dated MOBA, and it **** but not totally. The graphics deliver what you would expect: saturated & colorful with a wide palette on the heroes and maps. Might be the game's best feature. Sound-wise, the voices are great (when they learn to st*u. BLESS YOU, HEALER! BLESS YOU, HEALER! I've never been more deterred from healing.), the music is 50-50, and all the sound effects are satisfying. Plot. LUL. Also note this is a MOBA, so all that implies is here: OP hyper-expensive champs, cheap, sh**** champs, weeks of grinding to unlock one decent champ, new champ every other day to drain the wallets of neckbeards and kids with disposable income, garbage balancing, matchmaking pits a first time player with salty top 500 players, blah blah blah, its all here. In brief, Bliz shows off its trademark polish on all categories. Except gameplay and the usual MOBA business model tropes. The gamepl- (sorry, the rest of this review is DLC. You can read the rest for just $5.99!) *cha-ching* gameplay wants you to think there is wide variety of champs and styles and builds. There isn't. As with any other MOBA, the DPS tanks with mobility stomp anything in their path. Bliz's twist on this done-to-death genre is controlling a neutral boss/advantage (think Baron Nashor) for a team/morale crushing super power. Some of these powers can be bosses, bosses you can pilot, swarms of creeps, lasers that zap buildings, big variety of things. How do you unleash these pandora boxes? Mostly has to do with standing in a zone and controlling it for 30ish seconds. These 30s are the meat of HOTS' matches. Above any other strategy, build, champ choice, synergy; above all else, controlling these wins the game. So, just go fight for it, right? If only. See, another age-old problem is here. The (Episode 2 of this review is out now for only $9.99!) *cha-ching* community. Everyone's favorite collective of idiots is alive and well in HOTS. Bad champ choices, not playing tanks/healers, poor engages, chasing across the map into an ambush/turret death, no communication, sh**y connections, flaming, abusing the automated report system (more later), ignoring objectives, not grouping, poor target focus, gorging the enemy to death with their feeding then d/c, oh yeah! Apparently, it's somehow your fault if it happens a lot, according to threads and fanboys. So you go to claim the power. As expected, all 5 of the enemy is there. Looking at the map shows your teammates are either dead, or scattered everywhere. You can either a) rush in and die alone or b) wait for the inevitable. If your team DOES group for it, the opponent has a meat wall of 4-5 high dps, high mobility oafs ready to toss anyone into an event-horizon-blender of CC and DPS. Ofc, you can TRY to reason with your teammates, but they'll just report you. Of all the stupid ideas Bliz learned from Riot, they had to take the fully automated report system which punishes players - NOT BY VIOLATIONS - but by number of reports. Justice can't be democratic by it's nature, folks. So assuming any position of callouts, leadership, or polite disagreement can net you a THREE. MONTH. ACCOUNT SILENCE, preventing you from saying anything to anyone for 90+ DAYS. Meanwhile, the guy that called me stuff that I can't repeat here, NOTHING happens to him. Why? Did he not break any rules? No. "Not enough people reported him." Now everyone thinks I'm a jerk b/c I don't talk to **** do I tell them my account is silenced? Do I just wait for more reports of poor teamwork to pile up? Then what do I do? Bliz could care less. The cash is flowing and flowing. Fanboys beat back these legit concerns with "well dont be toxic then DUH!!" *high fives and Oh's all round* My last solace is to just have fun in unranked with a champ I like. Unless I crack open my wallet, I'd have to grind. It's about $10ish per hero, or you can save up 10,000 coins. At about 15 coin/25 min game, order some pizza and call in sick, bc u gonna b hur a while, and that's to get ONE. The novelty of each champ wears thin after 3 games, too. Sorry it's just...boring. There's no skill or room for mastery and improvement. You play dps tanks, m2 targets, and mash your 4 buttons. I thought LoL casualized MOBA. HOTS puts LoL to shame. Even LoL had a tiiiiny bit of mastery to it. If you're still curious, I'd say jump in quick, bc HOTS is dying FAST. The queues are taking forever. The last people playing are trolling the chat with politics or watching the pros with their kappa memes bc HOTS is bare-bones BORING. Bliz knows the game is dying. Begging people to play. Overpriced champs, dumba* community, sh* balancing, no farming/itemizing, and a garbage report system with a dying community. It would stop if morons would stop pouring cash into these practices. "Guess stupidity will never go out of style." -Carth Onasi

At first, I feel privileged to be the first to make a thoughtful, honest review instead of "omg its tf2" and "omg cancer community!1!" Bliz has taken the title belt over every genre it's entered: MMO, FPS, RTS, **** HOTS was pretty bad, but point is they're no pushovers of game developing, and Overwatch truly is revolutionary. You can tell they played every video game they could to extract every good idea for gameplay possible and - frankly - crafted an FPS to such perfection that OW will be the standard of FPS for rest of time in terms of gameplay/character design, map design, voice work, music composition, commendably balanced heroes, beautiful graphics, even going PC (ie a lesbian hero, a bisexual hero, or buff chick and chunky chick for the feminists, or robots that are portrayed as an oppressed minority [I can see the others, but racism against robots? really?] ) just about everything in OW is polished to a shiny sheen. So, why the low score? It isn't evolving. It could be argued that Bliz made a game so perfect that it has nowhere to go, but there is still this looming void about the game as the years pass (even bliz said "here comes next comp season. see you there._. ). TF2 introduced new modes, new weapons which allowed alternate play styles, many, many new maps, and it's personality was one-of-a-kind with a charm that never went away. OW has given little new content save for an occasional map, or a new hero who's balancing is all over the place (sombra **** @1st, ana was a god @1st, Fist either kills everything or dies instantly, and Moira is f**ing INSANE) or taking some casual mode and putting COMP in front if it i.e. comp FFA/soccer. The flow of content is slow and anti climactic. 2nd reason is the game's lore is absolute garbage. The game has no driving narrative. Every hero's story is "everyone thought they **** THEY CAME BACK WITH VIDEO GAEEM PWERRZZ!!" As is trendy nowadays, everyone has 0 development. None. It's like Bliz made a 20 part book series that all had 1 chapter. It's hard to view the heroes as...well heroes, bc they don't fight anything. Who is the enemy? Why do they exist? Why are they fighting? To kick a soda machine's a** in Japan? C'mon, we all know the real reason why this is. If you want a plot to be interesting, characters have to struggle, suffer, discuss morality, philosophy, justice vs vengeance, mercy or execution, 2nd chance or judgement, who is the hero and who is the villain, who are you rooting for/against? Not only would this take time and *cough* talent, but calling something "evil" might offend someone, so everyone's motivation is brushed into a cloud of uncertainty, pretty graphics, and shiny, purple booties. After all, WHO ARE YOU TO SAY WHATS RIGHT OR WRONG! CHECK UR PRIVILEGE BRO! UR JUST (shaming buzzword here). The balancing isn't perfect either. Junkrat, Phara, and Widow leave a warpath to the objectives bc they have little counterplay when used properly. Phara 2 shots her own counters & 90% of the OW cast can't even engage her bc her mobility and flight which render her unkillable, Rat can blindly spam to f*ing murder teams by himself, and accurate Widow's are 1man armies while no one plays Report Torb. Speaking of reports, Bliz still has their bs report system. Problem is, you can get reported for "abusive language" for playing Torb. I made a sarcastic, unoffensive comment in General Chat, and saw a 3 month silence. Should I even be shocked anymore? The first month I played OW, I didn't talk, and weekly i still got emails from Bliz telling me to tone down the abuse. Now I'm getting reported for not communicating, and paragraphs of "teamwork" and "this is why you're bronze" sermons. Which brings me to my final beef with OW: the community. No, they're not the worst ever. Honestly, I'd say this is the least toxic & coolest community I've seen in 20 years of online gaming, so what's so bad? Even here, you can see "cancerous community" popup in all of the neg reviews. What. a bunch. of babies. Try LoL. You kids don't know the meaning of "cancer", but bc the squeaky wheel was so loud, Bliz made their dumb*ss report system so they can PR about the number of punished accounts. I can't take it anymore. When it comes to gameplay, they are so. f*ing. stupid. Leave it to our favorite collective of idiots to make "GROUP, WALK TO SQUARE, PUSH Q" impossibly difficult. I don't mean losing, I mean being completely and utterly shut down. All you can do is kick back in your lawn chair and laugh at the calamity. The enemy is sooo good. Tanks absorbing damage, dps kicking ass, present healers, great ultimate usage, great focus, and no matter how much I bomb my elo, they always have a badass sniper that doesn't miss a headshot. You're team has 6 wandering DPS that only exist as Dabacabb montage fodder leaving you - as 1 player - defenseless. Who am i kidding. No one's reading this s** anymore.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

TLDR: This is the most underrated game in years. You need to buy it NOW. Everyone has a precious, childhood game that made many life-shaping, cherish-able memories for them. Mine was Double Dragon 2 on NES. I nearly burnt out that old cartridge. The music was unforgettable, the gameplay: classic, the difficulty merciless and punishing, the graphics and level design were priceless, and coop to round off the joy. It was an embodiment of all the trends in the 80s-90s with masculine dudes roughing up gangsters and hooligans on the streets, which gave it a special appeal to me: a 90s kid and 80s nerd. I might even crown it THE greatest game ever made, however, the series didn't age well including many a black sheep entries and passed into history. FF to 2015. I briefly hear about a reboot of the series and shudder. Reboots don't exactly have glamorous reputations; more like reputations of butchering classics and ignoring source material in the name of $_$. DDN did NOT look charming at first. I was especially turned off by the "fanservice" and Billy's possessed-zombie visage, but all the reviews for the game seemed harsh, and I finally gave into my inner dragon's urge. The rockin' 80s style remix of the theme roused my hope. After head bangin' for a few min, I started the game. It felt a little slow, but that didn't bother me. They introduced the grunt of the baddies as "Cartwheeling Fodder: Williams" and I was hooked. Here I not only saw how the game didn't take a pixel of itself seriously, but it was also true to the source material; a refined blend of old and new. The plot, characters, and cheesy lines are corny, silly, and one big love letter to my favorite 2 decades, all full of references to pop culture of the time and surfer-dude talk (bro, tubular, bodacious, ect). Every mission even ends with the bros AIR GUITARING! The gameplay is punishing and brutally difficult at first. The secret to mastering it is Sosisetsu (magic), Stances (passive buffs, both illustrated as your "mixtapes", my favorite being Spin Kick and Desperation), upgrading them wisely with $ and boss-loot mythril, and use of crouch-dodge. If you dodge correctly, you will "gleam"; doubling your damage and increasing your battery power regen (mana). It's overwhelming at first, but when you get into the rhythm of gleaming, then counterattacking with a mix of your magic, and the killer soundtrack is kickin, followed by a cheesy line from the bros, it all creates a silly, clean, and wonderfully entertaining experience (pistol whipping and shouting I HUCKED A LUGER!)...sadly, I have no one to play the coop with, yet it looks hella fun, but very easy. You can high5 your bro for on-demand gleam, which seems game breaking, but fun. Speaking of the soundtrack, I'd be p**d if I played a DD game w/o phenomenal music and Jake "virt" Kaufman blew me away. I'm so addicted to DDN's OST, that I can't go a day w/o Billy and the Breakers Firebird. It takes me back to that inspirational music the 80's classics had, when we had a positive definition of "to be a man". It does have cons. Hit detection can be a little finicky, stunning an enemy causes players animation to freeze; leaving you open to attack unfairly, but most of all is the excess fanservice. Nearly every female in the game is half-nude, and Linda is the worst. Every line from her is tacky innuendo, and her outfit is ridiculous. I'm all for sex appeal, but we gotta curb this. It's getting out of control. My brothers are married men, and its offensive to their marriages for a toon to be so over-sexualized, so they refuse to play it. We're in an age of evolving games, right, so where is the option to curb some of these more "adult" themes? What if I like Bulletstorm, but can't stand the saturation of lewd remarks? Where's the middle ground between Counting w/ Hello Kitty and Lollipop Chainsaw? I also want to address the unfair criticism this game gets like "dated gameplay that we have progressed past". What progression are we talking about; $120 updates to failure/skill-free console shooters with 0 replay value to their copy/paste, gimmick-ridden campaigns and toxic communities, or 16yr olds on twitch with 3 viewers; riding on delusions of grandeur? DDN takes us back to a time when games were actually difficult and had skill based mechanics you had to learn and practice. Now, kids throw DS's away after dying once on Mario 3, and demand a mobile game. They aren't used to enduring blood/sweat/tears of failure as you slowly got better at a difficult game. I had my @* kicked about 4x ON THE 1ST MISSION. Now, I can breeze through Very Hard mode with no deaths. The process was rough, but I can't express how rewarding the feeling is of conquering your fears and obstacles. Epic soundtrack, classic gameplay, coop, great characters, near limitless replay value, and delightful humor FOR TEN BUCKS?! That is a STEAL! Hopefully we'll get a sequel instead of the devs bein so busy with their arab chick...

Holy bejeebus. This is - without question - THE most overrated game OF ALL TIME. I can't f*** get away from this game; ITS EVERYWHERE! Sites, discussions, Steam sales, articles; you can't escape it! Why?! The only reason I can come up with that this game is such a blockbuster is because: we have a new and ignorant generation that has never seen a rich RPG before. I'm gettin' old, so I remember when RPG's were deep, complex experiences that didn't even have voice acting yet. Still, these games immersed you in worlds and experiences you will never forget. Mario RPG, Final Fantasy (4, 6, 7, 8 specifically) Chrono Trigger...THESE were RPG's. They were stories of rich, vibrant, and lively characters with backstories that made you care about them, and tied them together with imaginative writing, complex battle systems, and music from the GODS. Then comes Skyrim. The world is flat, empty, generic, lifeless, and the combat is more dated than the NES. I knew it was bad from the confusing monologue in the opening from the narcoleptic Russian whose voice actor couldn't remember what accent he was imitating. Once you get away from the beautiful mountains, everything is colorless, stale, and boring. The whole game is washed out in palettes of brown, grey, and pale blue. Every village/city looks EXACTLY the same. It has ZERO style or substance at all. Even the weapons you get look very vanilla. It's a fantasy game! Where's the fire swords and icy staves and s***?! Classes are useless cuz you can just be everything at once. Where's the diversity? Where do your decisions matter? They don't really matter in dialogue, either. At least I couldn't tell cuz the writing is so chaotic and poor. Characters were so uninteresting, I can't recall a single one, tho I can still name every char from all the above RPG's I listed. Straight mage specs are STILL useless. You go oom WAY too fast, and do pitiful damage, while melee can 2 shot everything and never die. Stealth can 1 shot, crouch, vanish, rinse, and repeat until they clear a room. There's no mechanics to the fights. Run in range, mash your attack button and your potion button til you puke. I'm not kidding: that's it. That is the depth of this game's combat. I'm sorry, but if you find this fun past the 8hr mark, you have ADD. It's mindless and tedious; a game for idiots. ALL OF THAT is if you can EVEN PLAY IT! Bugs, glitches, and crashes are a more threatening hazard than anything you'll face in game. Enemies sinking thru floors, dragons flying backward, save files corrupting, quest NPC's falling out of buildings to their deaths, unkillable mobs, player clipping into rocks which forces restarts, NPC's running off mid-dialogue, BUGS BUGS BUGS! You can't play 3min w/o running into a game-breaking glitch that you have to mod/cheat your way past. I spent 75% of my playtime just bug fixing. I'm not a play tester; I'm a customer. Skyrim isn't even an RPG! Why is it rated as one?! A beat-em-up with some progression is NOT an RPG! It stands for ROLE PLAYING GAME! It's about you playing a role in an immersive story! "u r da chozn one go kill eryting xd" IS NOT A STORY, it's filler! "BUT DA MODZ MKE IT ASUMMM! 11/10!!" Great. I'm glad the modders are amazing and create cool stuff, but THAT'S THE *** MODDERS! The GAME is a horrendous mess in any way that I approach it. How illogical can you be to give a clusterbomb of horrific, unfinished game "design" a 10/10 JUST BECAUSE YOU MOD IT!? That's like buying a Bieber album but burning your own music over it, then going "I love this album from Bieber 11/10 stop reading the negative reviews and just buy it!" The critic reviews are obviously bought-out, which used to be unthinkable, but nowadays, it's standard practice for a AAA title to set aside some of it's budget to buy positive reviews. Seriously, think about it: how many times can you call the next CoD "the best cod yet"? 8x? 12x? 20x? I remember way back in 2005, critics were sick to DEATH of FPS's. Most likely, the standard of gaming has just fallen this low, because 10 years later, they're all the rage. What a tragedy... This gen of kids think they got it all figured out. Buy this bug-ridden, unfinished, poorly designed "RPG" that ignores 2 decades of lessons from the past, mod/don't mod it, mash 2 buttons while fighting the same enemy for 3k (yes: three thousand hours), leave 1 line joke reviews ("ruined my life 5 starz") that get thousands of "likes", downvote all the negative reviews or leave a negative review of "stop reading negative reviews buy buy buy!!", and net the "creators" nearly one BILLION dollars gross profit, then blame "corporate greed" for the grand decline of gaming. Ah, humanity... Meanwhile, Double Dragon Neon (console) - a modern classic - is forgotten in the sea of CoD clones. After playing FO3, I had high hopes cuz I loved that game, but everyone calls it "Oblivion with guns". If that's true, then Skyrim is CoD with magic. By idiots, for idiots.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

I have HAD IT! I've been a dedicated LoL player for several years, and I've seen all of RIOT's crap. From the disgusting character balancing (nerfing up champs, buffing op champs), to overpriced microxactions, dramatically overhauling champs voices/appearances after you've purchased them without your consent, the brain-dead-and-totally-not-band-aid-solution that was Tribunal (that backfired so hard, they shut it down), to FULLY AUTOMATED PERMA-BAN SYSTEM, to the most...depressing, immature, self-indulgent, braggadocious, narcissistic, report-happy, self-contradicting, impossible, unreasonable, fun-depriving, unimaginative, op-champ spamming, excessively elitist, personality-starved, and laughably stupidest community I have ever had the displeasure of being in contact with. Name any online game right now; WoW, CS:GO, HoN, ect I don't care; LoL has the - indisputably, hands down - THE WORST community I have ever seen. The first thing your opponents say is "omg im so high lol and my **** is huge" from player named Anime69forever and your teammates say "OMG IM LAGGING! MY CAT SAT ON THE KEYBOARD! MY MOUSE DIED!" and the 40 min flame war begins. I don't even have room to discuss all the garbage I've got on this company from bait-and-switch tactics with the new Gangplank/Captain skin, to deliberately making a tank meta so they can BANK on the anti-tank champs or make a new one, or how they handled Riven. "Hmm...Riven's op. Nerfs, or more skins? PSSH, DUH!" to which the community says "shes not op she takes ****? How is that even relevant? What does the skillcap have to do with the champ's maximum potential? Nothing. They have to push this idea that they're winning cuz their skillllldddd because their divorcing parents don't have anything nice to say about them. Which leaves me to the basic review of the game. It's a casual game. Everything is easy to play as, has 4 buttons, and is mostly a roulette to whatever morons you're matched with. Admittedly, if and when it all works, its some of the most refreshing fun I've ever had in a game. I really do love it, but if 2 of your teammates wana go back and forth about each other's moms instead of playing, guess who isn't winning? The enemy is playing as the same 5 broken champs that smash everything, then they get fed off of your idiotic teammates; leaving you no choice but to turtle and wait out the game. By the 20 min mark, the score is 0-30, and you just hide in your base, waiting for the enemy to kill the neutral boss to get its buff then clean you up as everyone votes "no" to surrendering so they can spend the 30 min turtle flaming on! "REPORT MY TEAM TOXIC", then re-queue and repeat until you barf. But a recent incident was the last straw. I'm guessing my old email got hacked and the only override was using an old, dead phone I don't have anymore. Problem is, that old email was the one verified with my LoL account. When I requested help, it started promising enough, but out of nowhere, the genius player support says "I'LL FIX IT! I'LL ASK FER A PASSWURD CHAAAAAAAANGEEE11!!!11" and permanently locked me out of my own account. There goes 100's of dollars in champs, skins, and services, 1,000's of hours of gameplay, and any friends I met on there. GONE. FOREVER. POOF. (You may now ignore the previous paragraph and say "well its ur fault fer not changign email fone #"). Why should I spend any time/money/effort on a LoL account if there are soooo many ways for it to just POOF? None, and neither should you. Automated perma-ban system, clumsy customer support, screwy email accounts, auto-afk ban system (read other negative reviews) or false accusation (i.e., abusable "report" button where RIOT gets anal if you so much as critique someone) are just a few ways to lose years of gameplay instantly. Their customer support is absurdly incompetent. Which is such a shame! When the game works, its amazing! I love it! I love its art style, music, voice acting, character design, controls, variety of champs, sound effects, it really is a well crafted game, but whoever is in charge is destroying it, like how the same 10 champions are spammed every game and the community RUTHLESSLY defends the game's balance saying "You're still in bronze (lowest elo) because you ****" when if you look at any of their profiles, they only play 2 champs (i.e. Riven [600 games] Vayne [200] Thresh [50].) It is....such a mess. Don't play it. Convince your friends to stop playing it. Worst community, worst community management, worst balancing, incompetent customer service, numerous ways that their "ban bot" 's roulette will land on your name, community has no mind of their own, resorting to being sycophants for RIOT or the pro scene, over-priced micro transactions, new champ is always broken to ensure sales, broken champs get more skins instead of nerfs, the list goes on forever. I've put up with a lot of their crap, but changing my password w/o my consent to lock me out was it. Im done