Audiostoned

Where to start? Okay we won’t, because I already wasted two hours of my time watching this tedious film and don’t want to waste much more than talking about it. Loud jump scare movies are not my favorite, and this one is about as generic as it comes. It is at times brutally violent (for my tastes). Again I just don’t see why this film needs to exist as it contributes nothing to the genre or medium beyond being a waste of shelf space. I could understand this being as practice for students to make a film like this, but with a $15 million budget you just want something with a little bit of a pulse, even if it is a horror film. The actors try and there are a few spooky environments, but it’s not enough to make me ever want to watch this film again. It’s not an unwatchable movie, it’s just there a lot of other awful horror movies that are more worth your time. Watch “Blink Twice” or “Cabin Fever” instead.

Sinners isn’t all that. It is unique, yet utterly predictable. It is a confused film carried by committed actors who are obviously having a good time. It is indulgent and the dialogue at times is clumsy and ham-fisted. The film often suggests being more sophisticated than it is. In the end it falls into a by-the-numbers bloodbath reminiscent of (and significantly less fun) than Django or “Dusk Till Dawn”. By modern film standards I suppose this is a step in the right direction, just not the “engaging masterpiece” I was expecting from reading other reviews. It is just another movie where I just ask my self “why?”. It’s not that it’s a bad movie, I just don’t see WHY it NEEDS to exist necessarily. Anyway, many unique flourishes in this film, a mostly lively cast and cool atmospheres. I may have enjoyed more than the latest “Nosferatu” for what it’s worth. Just more of a casual date night movie to fall asleep to than a must see classic. This isn’t Lord of The Rings or Harry Potter. It’s a mostly predictable vampire period piece with lofty ambitions somewhere between Idlewild and From Dusk Till Dawn.

Okay so here goes… wow… somehow it is worse than both the new Mario movie and the new Borderlands movie… I notice a common factor. Anyhew… this movie works on no level, like the aforementioned titles this film knows scant minimal about the ip it is cashing in on. Really just a tone deaf film on every level. Most of the dialogue sounds mumbled off by the cast. The last cast I would ever pick to be in a Minecraft movie. The “protagonist” boy was probably a nephew of an executive; here’s the conversation that took place “Hey you wanna be in a movie? What movie you wanna be in huh? you like-a day minecraft crap a lot huh? okay we’ll greenlight a minecraft movie and make you the star. Hey, Fuhgeddaboutit.” Really though every movie released these days feels like a radioactive fallout zombie claiming to be your mother. A scary, pale imitation that bears a slight resemblance to something you used to love, but only enough to make you sad.

Nice things to say about this movie… Offbrand Plaza? Idk just why do these films need to be made? Literally nothing original or interesting to contribute. Two mildly interesting parts are already in the trailer. Save your time. I feel for people who are wasting $14 to see this.

I had no idea what was going on, but I enjoyed the music in this film and the brisk pacing. Acting was passable. Worth a stream.

Unique tone, steady pacing. It’s like a watered down “Blink Twice” or “The Menu”. Offensively inoffensive. I didn’t entirely hate it. Worth a stream to fall asleep to.

I am all for hand drawn animation returning to theaters but what we have here is a straight to cartoon network special that could have easily been released 20 years ago on tv and no one would think anything about it. The animation is slick and glossy and I wish other classic animations like adventure time and others would get this sort of big budget treatment. That being said the content of this movie is by the numbers recycled children’s humor that seems like an imitation or a watered down imitation of “this is what’s funny right.” It seems to have nothing relevant to say whatsoever and the same jokes we’ve seen 1,000 times over. Even by Looney Toons standards this movie is tame and boring. I’m happy to see animation back in theaters but it deserves better than this. Just feels kind of empty and irrelevant.

I walked out. It was likely the film wanted me to leave. Started off okay but descended into madness. Never seen a major film with so many line flubs they just kept in the movie. I counted at least 3. Seems like a high budget student film but even by those standards, I found the film tonally and generally confusing and in your face obnoxious. A big pass for me. Big disappointment as I thought “Snowpiercer” was a pretty decent film.

More coked up meaningless garbage like the recent Garfield and Mario Bros movie. Machine gun joke attempts pandering to the most desperate of dads land surprisingly few and far between. Art style is okay wow cool neato but really if a film has no soul or concept of what it is or wants to be, it feels it is just but playing to children’s “psychology” beats. At this point these films feel so familiar and lost, it’s hard not see it as anything but another cash grab on kids with a shiny surface, with no actual fun or emotion to be found underneath.

Movies are pretty mean spirited these days. This one is no exception. The attempts at dark comedy are rapid fire, and the freewheeling goofyness of the film is rare in wide release films, which gives a sort of admirability.. . Surprisingly faster paced than “Longlegs” and probably a superior film. Director again uses classic rocks songs to strong effect. The lighting and camera work are all good. Still the film feels kind of hollow and inhuman. No real connection to the characters.

Well crafted and smart movie. Its humor is often predictable but with humorous allusions to past thrillers, both good and bad. Nice camera work and editing. At times it is excessively sweet and sentimental, with musical swells that make you say “oh come on”, Overall a decent comedy. Worth a watch.

Cruel, sadistic, mean, and hard not to love. I rarely ever feel bad for enjoying a movie as I do with this series. A refreshingly original spin on the slasher genre. With humor and creativity to spare, this film improves upon the original in many ways. Not for the faint of heart, but if you have the stomach for it & the karma to spare, this one’s a must watch.

Some goofy lunacy provided by the green goblin and an impressive performance by lilly rose is not enough to lift this surprisingly self serious and uninspiring script above the standard vampire film. Cool moody lighting and camera works, but simply not enough eggs. Wish it had more of the original’s humor and charm. I much preferred the energetic “Renfield” to this overly-talky remake. Still worth a watch for fans of the genre. I just wanted something more. 5/10

I have a hard time saying a film this effed up is a “good movie” but I’ll give props where it is do. The soundtrack is bumping and well used (love those 80 synth sounds used to good effect.) The cinematography, writing, & special effects are all well done. No movie makes you feel worse for laughing than this one, but there are definitely moments that you can’t help but crack up. I’d say the violence goes too far in some places (few movies **** being evil like “The Terrifier” series.) This film is a little too talky for it’s own good and makes you want to scream “just get to the killin’ already”. All in all I I enjoyed this film much more than “Heretic”. I would never make this film myself… but it exists so yep. I hate Christmas, but they nailed the vibe of a Christmas movie. If you’re looking for a violent but slightly less sadistic Xmas movie, I highly recommend the film “Violent Night“. Still Sergio Leone continues to surprise and disturb us with his incredibly well crafted, cruel, and cringeably hilarious horror series. I hope more movies can nail the 80s vibe like the Terrifier 3’s ending credits and synth flairs.

Hugh Jackman brings some sillyness to the roll but I would say overall anyone with a grade school knowledge of religion or horror filmmaking will find this all too predictable. I was hoping for a much more intricate labyrinth in the the vein of “Sixteen Ghosts”. I was pretty bored by the last 45 minutes and ready for it to be over.

This film takes best horror flick this summer so far (though the competition has been pretty hot garbo) It is a somewhat lesser cocktail mix of “The Menu” & “Midsommer”. Great cast, solid cinematography, interesting scenery & locations. The film is almost like two different movies, it starts off as a sort of fun vacation comedy that makes you feel warm and fuzzy (like taking a vacation you could never afford). The setup is long, long, to reach the (spoiler - violent) climax, but never overstays its welcome. There a few rapid tone shifts and plot holes in the last half that I felt were a little jarring and just kind of expects the audience to roll with it. ( I did and for the most part was pleasantly surprised). The ending leaves a little something to be desired; Some of the dialogue feels hammy and amateurish, but for the most part, the film goes down easy like a smooth spritzer. As the film warns at the beginning there are scenes of sexual violence which, though played to a more serious effect, would not seem out of place in a 60s / 70s Grindhouse film. (The twist is dark and comes almost out of nowhere) Recommended if you enjoy horror movies. 6/10.

Maybe it’s only because I cant stand country music and this movie uses A LOT of it. The dialogue is by the numbers as it gets. The cast is passably interesting. The cinematography is good. The CGI somehow pales in comparison to the original made 30 years ago. The film loses momentum towards the end, catering to predictable sappy film beats. Worth a watch if your bored.

Boring garbage. I much prefer the song “Cuckoo” by The Monks. No real fault of the lead actress, but the film is boring and tedious. It is like an overlong sci-fi channel Twilight Zone episode. The shrieking sound effects and tweaking seizure inducing camera cuts are overused, obnoxious, and amateurish in place of any actual real tension. Will put you to sleep, and not in a good way. In competition with “Latency” for worst “horror” movie I’ve seen this year. Hard pass on this one.

I thought it couldn’t possibly be worse than “Deadpool Vs. Wolverine” given the colorful and hyperactive trailer; but unfortunately (as always seems the case these days) that’s all it was; an interesting movie trailer. Save $12 and just watch the trailer to see all the action. Everyone in the cast seems to be phoning it in except for the “Tiny Tina” character who at least brings some playful energy to the ensemble. This film comes complete with the OMG most boring stock movie villain ever. There are a couple moderately interesting firefights, but this film just simply had no need to exist. Would have maybe been passable if released as a straight to Netflix special. It is a movie based on a Mature rated game that was made for adults. Instead, they made it into a kid’s movie that is too violent for kids, and too childish and dumb for a mature audience. The only people who will likely enjoy this film will be a handful of teenagers with very low standards and very little knowledge of film.

A more violent and less funny / smart / heartfelt “Kung Fu Hustle” meets “Sleeping Dogs” (the video game) Some very impressive martial arts (if a little brutal) and some very cool atmospheres. A nice surprise tor the Summer movie scene. Give it a go if you like over-the-top action.

A tired series gets the “Ghostbuster’s Afterlife” treatment (to better effect). Call it “Alien Kids” but I’ll take it over “Alien: The Blackening” (though that would probably be more humorous) The cast of kids here are game, (particularly the android character; whose sullen performance is admirable). The lead heroine is cute and has fun with the role (we’re not asking for more necessarily) but obviously she does not carry the same mature gravitas as Sigourney Weaver. Not a bad film, just old hat. Still it will be a fun “Aliens” movie for the new generation.

The movie equivalent of a brother smashing two action figures together. The humor exists within a fanboy vacuum uninteresting to anyone with a life outside of Marvel. The actors are game, but without a script or decent direction the whole thing would have been better off improved. Hugh’s muscles are soaring, Ryan’s ADD is active but the film itself is boring and convoluted with little fun to be had. A sad end to an otherwise great trilogy. The end credits is the best part reminding us how much fun they had making movies, and how much time of our lives we’ve wasted sitting in theaters watching mediocre films.

A beautiful and thought provoking anime film. It blew me away the first time I watched it. Highly recommended.

I thought this was a great anime compilation up there with “The Animatrix”, “Halo Legends”, “Genius Party” “Robot Carnival” & “Memories”. Short and sweet. Thoroughly enjoyable.

I thought this film entirely lived up to the series. I loved everything about it. Highly Recommended.

Surprisingly tame and less gore than you’d expect. Plays out (to me) like a deadpan comedy. (I swear it seems half the cast is trying not to laugh.) Some v. cool atmospheres and decent camera work. Maybe it’s less scary to me because I’ve spent most of my life living on in quiet nightmare suburbias? idk. It’s the movie equivalent **** clock ticking away at your Grandparent’s house. Scary or Peaceful? idk. For me this movie would be a nice one to fall asleep to. Cage is doing his best “Blood Harvest” impression here. (It’s pretty silly). His signature “rage moment” feels a little played out and forced in this one (but overall it’s a decent goofy performance.) It’s obvious they marketed this one VERY heavily to fill the theater gap between “Furiousa” and next weeks “Deadpool”. It’s really not all that special (those “masterpiece” reviews are blasphemy in my opinion.) Not a masterpiece (at all). Still I don’t blame the film. It’s a decent watch worth a couple laughs. Give it a shot.

I’m giving this a 6 because I kind of hate “tough guy” movies, but the filmmaking was very well done with a loony, dedicated performance by Tom Hardy. It takes no shame in its almost heavy handed allusions to “A Clockwork Orange”. The colors are vivid and pop, and the landscapes of Old England are inspiring. It has a very dark knowing sense of humor. Tom Hardy gives a 110% to this character (as usual). A frenetic yet sleepy film with a not for the faint of heart warning. Recommended.

Better than garfield, worse than the emoji movie (with possibly more cgi). Derivative almost passible entertainment to watch somewhere between reruns of “Frasier” and “Sister Sister”. Reminded me a lot of an overlong Pepsi commercial.

Well crafted and smart movie. Its humor is often predictable but with humorous allusions to past thrillers, both good and bad. Nice camera work and editing. At times it is excessively sweet and sentimental, with musical swells that make you say “oh come on”, Overall a decent comedy. Worth a watch.

Not a particularly fun movie, nor a particularly bad one. Not nearly as good as “American Hustle” and not nearly as bad as “Amsterdam” The lady who narrates most of the film’s accent is uhhh interesting but serves the story well enough. Tom Hardy’s performance is notably exceptional and draws you in. Still while watching this film trickle by slowly, you imagine what a raucous fun motorcycle film this could be, but isn’t. Worth a watch on a rainy day.

Another “horror” movie that’s a metaphor for “trauma” (we are like sooo deeeep) that has no reason to exist except (oh my god that is SO ME) ****. The movie is dreadfully dull (half the movie is watching the girl play an iphone version of Call of Duty PSYCHICALLY) (oooohwie so fun) and right when you’re about to fall asleep, they bring in the horrid high pitched screams (which they use over and over) matched with the most predictable jump scares and “twists”. Further proof that algorithms are writing all the movies these days. I judge bad movies also on how sleep-able they are and this one was neither watchable nor a good sleep companion. I would say a strong pass on this one. There are a million better ways to spend two hours. Poopie.

I went into this film expecting a comedy from what I saw in the trailer, it is not that. It is like a movie made for gamers by gamers. Every frame and costume is carefully considered and calculated. I can see why they call him (George) a visionary. Very violent, but the action is bone crunchingly visceral. I will be seeing this again. High Recommendation.

Very weird movie. Overhyped. Feels like a movie made by the MeowWolf people. some decent performances (a couple of laughs from Smith’s performance / mannerisms) but overall pretty slow and boring with little payoff. Respect for trying something different but not for me.

Loud, busy & soulless. Chris P makes for possibly the douchiest Garfield ever. Not worth space on a library shelf. So much sugary fluff I got eye-a-betis watching it.

“Everything, Everywhere” this is not. Overhyped and boring. Waxes philosophical with nothing much to say. (except maybe about cancel culture and vilification? idk) Nick Cage seems to be drawing from the character he played in the much funnier “Army of One”. Everything interesting in the film is in the trailer.

The film seemed a bit confused (imo) At first I was going to write a review about how nice it is to watch a movie about nothing. An ordinary guy going about his life and appreciating the little things, is at first (and for most of the film) inspiring, humorous and uplifting. How nice it is to watch a movie where the roof doesn’t cave in and turn into a drama fest. For me the ending was difficult to watch and the outro song kind of rubbed me like I was watching the ending to a completely other movie. While this film was unabashed in it’s exit, it just kind of killed it for me. Still a good film. A slow burn, which is a nice change of pace sometimes (and to fall asleep to). Far from a bad film. After leaving the film, I took a two hour walk because to go to a bar after watching something like this would be difficult for me. Still reflecting on it but I’m pretty sure to say I give it a 5/10 (irony)

Don’t take your mom to see this one. Pervasive awkward sexual talk. I walked out. I didn’t like any of the actors and the accents seemed extremely forced. I can see why the other Coen brother had nothing to do with this stinker. Hard to believe this is from the same dudes who made Ladykillers and Big Lebowski. Not my cup of tea.

Not really my cup of tea but some cool alien cgi characters. Other people will like it more than me, but I won’t say it’s a bad movie like Mario Bros.

Worth a watch if bored. Almost laughable progression at times, but you still want to root for the character. An interesting story and the cast did what they could. Give it a try on a rainy day.

Cute movie but utterly predictable dialogue. Was exhausted by the end of it. Still has a few decent laughs and action sequences. Worth a watch if you’re bored.

Not godawful, but nothing great. District 9 was better, maybe even Chappie. It’s script is cheesy and predictable as if written as a straight to Sci-Fi channel movie (with a Large budget.) It’s a passable watch with decent special effects but there are a lot better ways to spend your time.

I was going to give this film a zero, but out of fairness, the lighting, camera work, and animatronics were decent, so instead I give it a 2 out of 10. What hurt so much, was the soul-less, convoluted script and dialogue, that literally had me scratching my head like I never have watching a film (and I’ve seen a lot of stinkers). If this was a 48 hour film festival or a straight to youtube fan film, it would still be boring and joyless, but at least it would be forgivable. If you loved “The Super Mario Bros” movie, you will probably love “Five Nights At Freddy’s”, and that makes me sad.

Sickeningly sweet, shovelhouse niceity. A couple laughs (admittedly) towards the beginning, quickly becomes a grinding, by the numbers, artificial cgi confection. I was deciding whether to fall asleep or walk out. The actor who played Wonka did their best, but even they couldn’t save the film from forgettable, novelty, nostalgia bait.

Better than most modern movies but still just okay. Be warned very explicit, lude, and awkward sex scenes. A few good laughs (Mark Ruffallo dancing) and nice costumes / set designs. Not a lot to take from this one, but a passably goofy film.

I walked into this film expecting to leave disoriented or pleasantly surprised, or potentially both. I didn’t particularly like hereditary, but thought Midsommar was a humorous and well crafted film. I refused to watch the trailer so I could experience this film blind with no expectations or foreknowledge of the plot. I’m glad I did. I would just say don’t take this film too seriously (it’s a farce) and a very enjoyable comedy fever dream of absurdity. It has a very dark sense of humor and I couldn’t help but feel bad for this character, but over a 3 hour time span you eventually just let go and enjoy the ride. I laughed out loud at one scene which I haven’t in a theater in some time. The film is 20 minutes too long and indulgent. Some of the cruel humor is a little lost on me, but when this film is funny it is seriously funny. Highly recommended.

This movie is vacuous drivel… I turned it off before it was over. My dad said we live in a different world than critics and I couldn’t agree more in regards to this film. I felt my soul drying up inside with every passing minute watching this garbage. I read it was a horror comedy which I normally enjoy (Shaun of the Dead, What We Do In Shadows, Extra Ordinary, even Midsommar) but I didn’t chuckle or find anything remotely funny in the first hour of this film. I guess “ironic” self-referential wokeness is considered comedy now. Would be better off at a student film festival, and even then I’d still say it ****.

A pretty outrageous comedy that is the equivalent of a sweaty overlong roadtrip of misfortunate events. It is rapid fire comedy, sometimes obnoxious, often exhausting, but in this barren comedy landscape this film is standout. Worth a watch if you like either Galifinakis or the other guy.

This is one of the WEIRDEST movies I have ever seen. Johnny Depp, Jerry Lewis and all the other actors do a great job. The ending was disappointing, but I still walked away knowing I had watched a special film. It’s kind of in a league of it’s own. Woody Tarantino (or is it Quinten Harrelson?) tripped me out. Reminded me a bit of “Waking Life.” Definitely worth a watch if you are a student of film.

The general rule is “if you can’t do it better than the original, leave it alone.” This is one of those films that doesn’t even come close. It seems like they are having fun which is awesome I wish I could get paid $100,000 to have fun but this movie is as boring as they come. It had an outro credits like it was the end to the greatest movie ever which was pretty hilarious. Chris Pratt plays Chris Pratt. He’s a nice man. There is no one to really lead this film, everything kinda feels forced and empty. Save yourself 2 hours and watch a better Western or the original.

Yeah I walked out during the last twenty minutes. Just seemed like an out-of-touch by the numbers comedy and then they throw in an old star like hey remember me from “Goodfellas? I’m wearing a wig, isn’t that silly?” IDK, not my cup of tea.