monosyllabical

The Evil Within was a game I purchased to experience for myself, not as some flimsy gift to quietly break down a loved one's psyche. No, this one was for me. So, fortunately, the game had finished installing just as I had finished lathering myself in lamb's blood (which is really nice, highly recommended) as a part of my pre-game ritual (this practice wasn't unique to this game, rather it's a common practice for me; although, honestly, I felt rather silly doing this before playing Katamari Forever [silly prior to playing, wonderful during, just to clarify]). The game booted up (I play exclusively through a custom DOS program I designed whilst experiencing some crazed fever-dream brought on by the consumption of massive amounts of LSD and candy corn), I typed in the appropriate command prompts, and BOOM! My house exploded. Highly unfortunate. So, suffice to say, I've never played this. My family's dead, the house is gone, and my sweet, sweet X1/DOS setup is now nothing more than ashen ****. Oh well. I still have my health (except for this accursed black lung), and my fleet of gold... Hmm... I can't seem to remember what I have a fleet of... You'd think I would since they're all plated in gold... Isn't that funny when that happens? When you can't recall the specific thing of which you have a gold-plated fleet? I slap my knee when that happens. I'll have to update my review when I remember. Anyway, who says you can't judge something, for better or worse, without ever actually having any experience with it (well, except the installation process... that counts, right?). So, the graphics. They were good. There was a bar that slowly but surely became solid green. Well-executed. There wasn't much of a story. I mean, where did this bar come from, what was it's purpose, it's drive? There was no character development, and the characterization was flat (it did, however, manage to make me smile more than once). The sound was non-existent. Honestly, I had to make my own soundtrack (a mixture of whale-calls and modernized Victorian-era smooth jazz-funk) just to fill the air with something other than the screams of my loved ones (there was a fire, I believe I mentioned that). The gameplay was a simple button mashing affair (as with most games I play, I jam the controller into my groin as hard as I can until I've either fractured my pelvic bone or achieved a milk shake [family joke, RIP]). Enjoyable, but repetitive (I mean seriously, when are developers going to truly innovate and stop making games that encourage me to abuse myself sexually? I mean, come on guys, there's more to games than just violence. Look at the Wii! So much innovation there, I'm almost embarrassed to admit the things those guys got me to do). Finally, the "X-Factor." This is something I like to put in my reviews to separate it from all the others. Just a little something I feel the uninitiated or unobservant (no offense) might not notice but deserves attention and appreciation. For The Evil Within, the "X-Factor" has to be the fact that it memorializes the death of my utterly vast family. I don't know if everyone will have the same experience I did (especially if you play it on the easier difficulty setting), but it's definitely worth mentioning. Anyway, just because I don't want to be a total tool, I have actually played this game (dropped character, whatever, it deserves a fair shake). It's good. Review, done. Family alive... BUT FOR HOW LONG!?! A while, probably. Stop reading.

This year has seen an incredible spike in the quality of videogame storytelling (and GTA 5 is still to come, as well as Beyond: Two Souls). PC gamers have enjoyed strong, narrative-driven games for decades, while console games have generally languished in a gameplay-first, story-second mentality (not an inherently bad ideology, but not one that exactly encourages the pillars of storytelling) during that same period. There have been great stories on console for sure, but the consistency and ingenuity as of late has been unprecedented, and so very welcome. The Last of Us marries gameplay and story in such a way as to set the benchmark for the next generation. This is how you do it. Naughty Dog has taken the framework of the Uncharted franchise, gameplay-wise, and stripped it of its' wild acrobatics and treasure-hunting in favor of grueling survival and supply-scavenging. This ever-present struggle fuels the emotionally-charged, tense, and unforgettable story of two survivors amidst a world gone mad, a story that at times shocks, inspires awe, and breaks your heart. The seamless in and out between gameplay and story, the pitch-perfect pacing, is something that could only be achieved by a studio at the height of its' ability, and the freedom to do so. Sony and Naughty Dog deserve many accolades for this achievement. The game isn't perfect (the enemy AI, which seems to be a common gripe, is a bit simple, and their ignorance of your companions is both bizarre and disappointing, but I still ended up dying 70 times on Hard, so maybe I should be grateful), but the resounding successes of the game bury deep any minor qualms. Furthermore, the multiplayer, which carries over nicely from the main game and features a surprisingly addictive metagame, is a fantastic bonus that only serves to bury deeper still those tiny, insignificant misgivings. I strongly encourage anyone to play this, as long as you can stomache the violence and themes, and judge for yourself. For a game about what could be the end of the world, it makes me look forward to the future of gaming.

A simple, point-and-click adventure that really shines with a wonderful, inventive art-style, a beautiful score, and a sweet tale of rising from the gutters to claim justice and love. Puzzles can be a bit frustrating, but there's an excellent set of help features to prevent prolonged head-scratching. The game's length is a bit short (about 4-6 hours), but what's there is tightly designed and well-paced. There's really very little to gripe about with this game. Machinarium is a small wonder, a fantastic adventure with a quiet, emotional core. Well worth anyone's time.

Forget Game of the Year, one of the greatest games of all-time has arrived. It doesn't push gameplay boundaries (although the gameplay is fantastic, fast and fun, with some great "playground"-style battlegrounds all throughout), the graphics aren't revolutionary (though beautiful, don't expect next-gen just yet), and the pacing is a bit off (depends on how you play, really), this is one of the greatest stories ever told in the annals of videogamedom. An absolute mind destroyer of storytelling, intricate and well-plotted, unforgettabel characters, a fully-relaized alternate history, and that ending! Ken Levine and the entire team at Irrational Games can retire, right now. You have my permission. Don't, please, games would suffer without you. But, have a cigar. Take a vacation. You've earned it.

I want to keep this one pretty short. There hasn't been, arguably, a decent Tomb Raider game since Tomb Raider 2 on the PS1 (Underworld had its' moments). Crystal Dynamics, a once promising and innovative developer, had been stuck with the Tomb Raider franchise for years without a solid budget to make truly great games. Finally, with a grand production, this is the Tomb Raider game I'm sure they've wanted to make from the time they were first handed Ms. Croft's legacy. A near-perfect action-adventure game in every way, marred only slightly by a forgettable, and seemingly tacked-on, multiplayer mode. A must own for fans of the genre, a chance to rejoice for fans of Lara Croft and Tomb Raider. And, on a side note, there most likely wouldn't be an Uncharted without there having first been a Tomb Raider, and there wouldn't have been a Tomb Raider without Indiana Jones. Deal with it.

I didn't know what to expect from this game. I haven't played a good shmup (shoot 'em up) in awhile, so I was hoping this would scratch the itch. I knew going in that it was rythm-based, but I thought maybe there would some shooter action. I was wrong in thinking this, but very pleasantly surprised by this unique take on the rythm-music genre. An excellent soundtrack filled with a variety of electronica, several difficulties that cater to all skillsets, a high level of replayability (despite its' initially disappointing length), great sense of self-aware and irreverent humor, the ability to use your dust-gathering guitar periphreals, and, most importantly, fast, fun and rewarding gameplay. The graphics and models (with the exception of the stellar background detail) are forgettable and disappointing, and the lack of co-operative play is a letdown; but, the game shines in every other category. Oh, and stay for the credits.

How bad are the micro-transactions? They're totally inobtrusive, and purchaseable via an in-game currency (ration seals) that renders them pointless. It's there if you absolutely need better weapons right away, but the game is never so challenging that you're forced to buy anything out of desperation. Day-one DLC, bummer, right? All of the DLC available on day one is either superficial or useless (all of the bot DLC is a complete waste). Again, completely avoidable, just an option. Co-op? It's not scary then? Visceral clearly crafted Dead Space 3 as a primarily single-player game; it's co-op option is just that, an option. It's a lot of fun taking on Necromorphs with a friend, but it does diminish the scare factor. However, the teamwork-based puzzles actually gain tension in cooperative play by requiring steel nerves under pressure. Single-player puzzles are dunce-cap worthy in comparison. Still, despite the lack of psychological terror as in previous entries, taking on a Necromorph onslaught alone is just as terrifying in DS3 as it was in DS1 and DS2. Human enemies? This is ****!!! Calm down. Human enemies, a first for the franchise, are a necessary evil extending from the story. Without them, the Unitologist movement would have nary a presence in the game, which would have been crippling to the story. However, the AI is atrocious. Necromorphs are merciless and semi-intelligent. Unitologist soldiers are wandering body bags of brainless meat. It's still fun to sit back and watch a group of Necromorphs tear them apart. In the end, this entry has the same level of polish as previous entries, weapon crafting is intially clumsy and annoying but ultimately satisfying in its' depth, the story is better than DS1 but far less psychological and engaging than DS2; and, finally, all of the concerns of fans are understandable, but, thankfully, unfounded. Enjoy a great game, avoid the superfluous fodder of DLC.

Being a big fan of Suda51, CEO of Grasshopper Manufacture, the mind behind such games as No More Heroes and Lollipop Chainsaw, I've been looking forward to Black Knight Sword since seeing some small write-ups and a few screenshots a while ago. As a fan, it doesn't disappoint. The stylistic presentation is a wonder, the highlight being the multi-layered, diorama-style field of play that shifts in real-time to new areas and vistas as you progress. The screen is framed by a theatre curtain, which serves to transition between different areas and levels, but more importantly emphasizes the fairytale-like story. It's inobtrusive, and a nice touch, but it would have been nice to have the option to remove it. The Black Knight himself, as well as the enemies he encounters, are all done in a hand-drawn, paper puppet style. The animation can appear jarring at first, but the disjointed nature of movement actually ties nicely into the overall aesthetic. Music is another highlight as every scene is haunted by a subtle, entrancing melody. It's not the type of music for casual listening, but it definitely enhances the bizarre play that is Black Knight Sword. Some sound effects, however, are too obnoxious or piercing to be enjoyed in anyway whatsoever. Another failure of the game, the big letdown, as is with most Suda51 games, is the gameplay. Everything functions well, there's a fair variety to the knight's moveset, the levels have enough secrets to warrant exploring, but none of it is truly compelling. There's no sense of an ultimate goal for much of the game, and the confusing layout of branching levels certainly doesn't help your progress. There's some challenging platform segments, and the combat can be fun, but it always feels just as disjointed as the world itself. However, the story (which needs to be experienced more than explained), presentation, art-style, bizarre humor, music, and the few bright spots in gameplay, all warrant a try for this under-the-radar game. Suda fans rejoice! Everyone else, you've been warned.

Like many other PixelJunk games, Racers: 2nd Lap takes a well-known genre and innovates in ways that most developers probably never imagined. Therein is the draw and drawback, however, as each interesting idea is held back by a limited scope. Most modes introduce a solid concept with the promise of a different experience; but, the majority of these modes break down to being a simple test of reflexes and a quick eye, with a few exceptions. Despite this, the whole package is very well done, from the simple but clean graphics, to the catchy, appropriate music, and every mode is fun for a while. If only there was just a bit of depth, a bit of complexity, this could have been a classic. As it stands, it's a fun diversion for fans of arcade racers, just don't play it for more than twenty minutes at a time.

Retro City Rampage is a must-own game for any gamer who grew up in the 80's. For everyone else I would suggest trying before buying. The initial charm of the overworld graphics fades pretty quickly, but it never gets in the way. Everything is rendered well enough that you can easily distinguish everything from one another. On the plus side, the cutscenes are well illustrated. The music is vintage chiptune, which isn't for everyone; but, what's there is well done, if not entirely memorable. The real draw of the game is the sheer volume of content. The game plays out very much like an NES version of GTA 3 (complete with an almost identical map layout at times), but with far more structure. Remember the morbid fun you would have trying to survive with a 5-star rating in GTA 3? Well, RCR provides that very same experience (and intensity) while also providing a competitive goal. In fact, any activity you created in GTA 3's sandbox is here, except with an emphasis on leaderboard support. Like the best arcade games of yore, RCR compels you to strive for an ever higher score in several dozen short, simple, and fun mini-games. The crude graphics diminish the sick nature of some of these games, which actually works to its' benefit. It wouldn't be very fun if it didn't control well, but from driving to head-stomping and everything in between (except the needless cover system), RCR handles just fine. All of this is packaged into a ridiculous story, with an absolutely ludicrous amount of references ranging from Duck Hunt to the Virtual Boy and even Minecraft. It's a treat if you're in on the joke, but only passable if you're a bit more casual about your entertainment trivia. In the end, I would sincerely recommend this to anyone who grew up playing the NES, absolutely loved GTA 3, and/or enjoys leaderboard competition. To everyone else, try before you buy.