VDS

In theory, this had disaster written all over it (literally and metaphorically) - Kristen Stewart in an Alien rip off made for the remake generation. I had low expectations, but was proven wrong. The first plus point, it was a brisk 95 minutes long, which meant it started and didn’t really stop until it stopped. There was no time for inane dialogue from hapless idiot characters, that could only be written by and appeal to twelve-year old’s. As a regular last-man standing monster movie, I felt it tried hard not to give us too many clichés. There was no forced confrontation between two macho types, or too many headless chicken panic scenes. Ok, so Kristen Stewart was her usual mono-emotion self, but I could live with that because the script didn’t call for anything else. I loved the look of the film. The suits they wore and the claustrophobic feel of the sets, the murky water, it all gelled well. The biggest minus for me was the monsters. Not scary. Floppy, squidy, gangly things aren’t creepy, they just look daft. Also, the end was a bit lame. Two odd little things I noticed – there was no toothpaste on Kristen’s toothbrush at the very beginning, and I’m sure I heard a sound bite from Alien in one of the early control room scenes. All in all this deserved more than the critical thrashing that it got. Did it sink or swim? It swam, albeit with a desperate doggie paddle at times.

So bad I couldn’t get to the end. And it was the main character, or perhaps the way she was portrayed, that made it so terrible. The nasally twang to her voice, her dumbness, her look. I know I’m not the target audience and it was probably a foregone conclusion that I wouldn’t like it all that much, but for a film to be so awful it’s unwatchable, that’s quite rare. I think it was the point where Harley had drunk herself into a stupor, and was therefore at the mercy of the creep in the alleyway, that I realised I’d had enough. That and Ewen McGregor (was he just slumming it for the pay cheque?). Maybe the end was spectacular and if I’d held on the movie would have redeemed itself. But I just couldn’t bear it. As it was, it took watching it (via iTunes) in three separate chunks to get to roundabout the halfway point. If you thought Suicide Squad couldn’t get any worse, you were wrong.

So, two Venoms (so far) and two not quite such good movies. But in comparison, this film’s just a bit better than Spider-Man 3 and the last time Venom graced our screens. It was touch and go with this Venom as to whether I’d make it through the first fifteen minutes. Eddy’s interactions with his girlfriend were excruciating. Real fingernails on the chalkboard stuff. These two people were in love, apparently. If we needed reminding, ‘love’ in Hollywood is just a convenient plot point that allows for the thinnest of reasons ‘why’. Moving on from the notion that movie characters should actually appear to represent what it is they’re trying to portray, which in this case was two people in love, the crux of the story, slimy old Venom himself, wasn’t too bad. One point was very confusing though, good Venom and bad Venom looked really similar. So, as is always the case with superhero movies, when the two faced-off at the end it wasn’t always apparent who I should have been rooting for. Taking that idea a step further, I must say I didn’t really care if good Venom or bad Venom won the day. Tom Hardy’s performance as good Venom shifted between mostly irritating and vaguely likeable. Heavy handed exposition at the beginning of the movie went out of its way to beat us over the head with the notion that good Venom really was a decent guy. He helped homeless people, he was down with the local Asian shopkeeper. He had a heart of gold beneath that cloddish exterior, gawd bless ‘im. Presenting the anti-hero as the hero is always a risky business, especially in this snowflake era of the masses only understanding clearly cut goodies and baddies. Hats off to Sony for having a stab at it, though of course $$$ were the motivating factor, rather than an admirable attempt at expanding the audiences’ understanding that there’s more than one story to tell. Will there be another Venom? Dunno. Don’t care. This one was a ‘meh’ exercise in franchise building that fell a bit flat.

Not the worst Predator ever, but…heck, what am I talking about, of course it was the worst Predator ever, by a mile (and that’s including the Alien deathmatch rubbish). Like Terminator and the afore mentioned Alien, studio execs know there’s money in these franchises, but they just don’t know how to get it out. Each re-boot, each re-imagining, each new take on an old classic, they’re all sliding further and further down the slippery slope that ends up in ‘straight to DVD’ hell. Or worst still, a movie made by Netflix. So what have we got here that’s so bad? Well, a terrible cast, a terrible script, terrible acting and seen it all before CGI. The same rag-tag bunch of ex-soldiers and general bad-asses that’s a staple of most Predator films are all here. But unfortunately in The Predator, the killing of the rag-tag bunch didn’t start as early as I’d have liked, meaning the irritating ‘banter’ and macho posturing went on for far too long. When I say ‘banter’, it was the sort of thing 12 year old’s exchange at the skate park, and absolutely none of Arnie’s classic one-liners. Who could ever forget ‘if it bleeds we can kill it’. Each set piece action sequence consisted of a bunch of dopey idiots firing their machine guns in the dark. Pretty dull after a while. And what was with the predator dog thing? Maybe they had to give the CGI department’s intern something to do. So, to summarise…what a load of rubbish.

If you want to enjoy this film, I suggest you approach it from the point of view that the main character is not Han Solo. Chewbacca is Chewbacca, the storm troopers are storm troopers, and the Millennium Falcon is the Millennium Falcon. But Han is not in any way shape or form a younger version of the character played by Harrison Ford. Keep that little caveat in mind and you’ll be all right. It’s also a game of two halves. I’m not sure at which point it tipped over, but by the end I felt like I wasn’t watching a picture painted by the same person(s) who’d been holding the brush at the beginning. Having said that, I thoroughly enjoyed it. And without a doubt it’s a much better film than The Last Jedi, which does not hold up to repeated viewings. It’s on a par with Rogue One but not quite on the same level as The Force Awakens. Keeping in mind my earlier advice, I enjoyed Alden Ehrenreich’s performance. He carried the film well. I liked him, I didn’t want him to die and I was sorry when the end credits rolled. Supporting players - Woody Harrelson was ok, but Paul Bettany (thanks to the script) was a villain by numbers. Emilia Clarke was neither here nor there, and Donald Glover suffered from the ‘not Han’ syndrome in his portrayal of Lando. The story moved along in logical steps, I guess. Though I couldn’t tell you what the plot actually involved, other than mumbo-jumbo about expensive blue fuel type stuff, and people owing other people lots of money. But don’t be swayed by the critics. This is a much better film than has been suggested by people who are supposed to know a lot more about film than you and me. See it for what it is and you’ll enjoy it, and you won’t miss Jedi, or destinies, or light sabres etc.

Alternative title – The Cliché Place. Where were the scares, where were the characters, where was a modicum of originality? Setting – everywhere rural America. Protagonists – Dad, Mum, Daughter, Son. Roles– Dad makes stuff and protects everyone, Mum cooks dinner, Daughter’s stroppy and up herself, Son doesn’t think he can fill Dad’s shoes. Then there were the monsters, a cheep mash up of Venom and the thing from Cloverfield. As for the pace of the film, it went from dull to very mildly suspenseful to silly silly silly. Did it have any redeeming qualities? Well, spotting the massive plot holes was kind of a distraction. Downing a drink every time there was a bit of clumsy foreshadowing was a laugh. Otherwise, very poor. It did leave me with one big question, how did people who were so dumb manage to survive for so long? If post apocalypse this will be the best we have, I weep for the human race.

This started off in a very average fashion and went quickly downhill. The people in charge might have been under the impression they were making a ‘think piece’, but not so. This was Sci-Fi by numbers and lucky to even find a home on Netflix. It reminded me a bit of Arrival, insomuch as it was right up itself and adrift at sea on a plot of vapid tripe. Natalie Portman’s unfortunate cohorts were just there as cannon fodder, to be gobbled up by a not unimpressive beasty. But this wasn’t the thrust of the story, which instead centred around a mysterious lighthouse (Scooby-Doo where are you?), a secret government ops team, missing soldiers and gene mixing aliens. Sound stupid? That’s because it was. But the best stuff came at the end with super nonsense overdrive and some truly daft scenes between Natalie and the lighthouse keeper. If you’ve watch the Netflix Cloverfield and then Mute, you’ll know what level of film making craft to expect here. But at least it wasn’t as bad as the uber-ultra hyped not in the least bit scary Veronica, which must surely win the inaugural Netflix Razzie prize.

I avoided this at the cinema because I don’t like war films (self-censorship at its worst). I’m still pleased I didn’t see it at the cinema, but not because it isn’t very good. It is good. If you’re expecting a Christopher Nolan reality bending flic, or a full on action bash, you’ll be disappointed. Or a Saving Private Ryan type overly-sentimental blood bath, again you’ll be disappointed. What the movie has is layers, beautiful cinematography, minimal dialogue and only a few war movie clichés. The stand out parts for me were the flying sequences, and the whole story line involving Tom Hardy as the Spitfire pilot. It looked beautiful, it was handled delicately, and it seemed happy to forgo glamor and focus on reality. The end was a bit cheesy, and that would be my criticism of the film in general. What started off as a surprisingly down to earth war film, did sink a little bit into cliché by the end. However, I’d recommend it. But, one more word of warning, the Americans do not swoop in at the end and ‘save the day’, so if you’re wanting that, move along. This film focuses on the British, and how, I guess, we got the saying ‘the Dunkirk spirit’.

This is by far the best DC movie of the post Christian Bale Batman era. I realise that’s not giving a lot in the way of praise, as the previous movies haven’t set the bar very high. Why so much better? For a start, the two hour running time whizzed by, to the point where I was left wanting more. How many people said that after Batman vs Superman or Suicide Squad? The new editions of The Flash and Cyborg breathed life into the proceedings, and were a welcome counter point to the stuffy old Batman and Wonder Woman characters. But most of all it was good because it didn’t feature too much of Henry Cavill’s perma-frown version of Superman. The story was neither here nor there, and just acted as a vehicle for lots of fighting and running around. I can see that the colour-by-numbers baddie (Steppenwolf – not the same person as penned the immortal rock tune Born to be Wild) has copped a lot of flak. He wasn’t particularly bad, daft yes, awful no. And his CGI was adequate. One slight problem, the story left nothing that needed continuing. I guess there’ll be a Justice League II, but why? Unlike Avengers movies (this lots main rival), I didn’t see the beginning of a multi film story arc. Well, that’s not entirely true. I was left with one question – Aquaman, why? He brought nothing to the film and quite frankly looked very silly (and this is a genre where silly is the norm). If there is a JL II would I watch it? Yes, definitely. Especially if Superman dies again and this time they promise not to bring him back.

It was nice to see a group of jittery 40 something British idiots wandering around the woods being offed one at a time, as opposed to the usual group of jittery 20 something American idiots suffering the same fate. Apart from that, nothing much to see here. It’s all been done before, sometimes better and sometimes worse. The wee beasty doing the offing wouldn’t scare your grandmother, and neither would the witchy mumbo-jumbo that supported its existence. The main character had a bit of a back story, but it didn’t make me care about him. As for his hapless mates, every time one of them died it was a relief – fewer expletive laden panic attacks to bear. So, bad but not terrible, instantly forgettable ‘horror’ nonsense.

This film is supposed to be darkly comic, apparently. I just thought it was funny. Sure, the presentation was a bit more gritty than in your average comedy, but I felt it was still a film made for laughs. As with all the best comedies, the plot was as basic as it gets. But who needs a plot when you’ve got laughs. And there were plenty of twists and turns too. Things happened that even the savviest audience member wouldn’t have seen coming. Some of these unexpected moments demonstrated a braveness on the part of the film makers – writing out a major character halfway through the film. Of the three main leads (Frances McDormand, Woody Harrelson, and Sam Rockwell) it’s hard to say who takes the crown for best performance. McDormand’s character was an instant audience favourite, but I felt Rockwell owned the film. His portray of a confused thug seeing the error of his ways and becoming the remorseful anti-hero, undercut the witty dialogue and gave the film a real reason for being. It’s always good to go into a film being slightly weary of the hype, and then almost instantly understanding what all the fuss was about. Time and possible awards (though the latter is not a measure of something’s worth) will see the greatness of Three Billboards only increase. Bravo to all concerned.

So Disney, I know you paid a lot of money for Star Wars but to maximize the return you don’t have to directly copy whole scenes from the original trilogy. It wouldn’t cost all that much to get a writer to come up with something new. But I guess not, so cue The Last Jedi, a mash-up of The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. I can’t see how this is being touted as the best Star Wars ever. It was ok, even good in places, but not really great at all. And please please Hollywood, enough with the pale English baddies and the multiple endings. Also Disney, there’s this thing movie makers like to do, it’s called editing. You chop out the padding that perhaps the director is in love with, but isn’t necessary to move the story forward or round out the characters. However, what The Last Jedi did give us was the performance we all sort of knew Mark Hamill was capable of. Just as Harrison Ford carried The Force Awakens, Hamill was the jewel in the crown here. Well done Mark, and well-done Disney for bringing Luke back. So because fanboys love to rank these films, I’d say The Last Jedi is number four in the pecking order, below Empire, A New Hope, and Awakens, but better than all the rest.

I know Will Smith remembers the 80s, it’s the decade from whence he came (unfortunately). Therefore, I’m also pretty sure he’ll have heard of Alien Nation, a movie about a cop who’s teamed up with a recently arrived alien as a partner. The difference between that film and this one – Alien Nation was quite good. Everything you’ve heard about Bright is true – it’s terrible. Even on paper the concept looks daft, but once up on the screen it’s ten times worse. Will Smith plays Will Smith playing Captain Steven Hiller (Independence Day) or Det. Del Spooner (I, Robot), that’s to say the same character he always plays. It’s like he’s turning into an alternate Tom Cruise. There are Orcs and Fairies and swords and LA ‘gangstas’ and so much ridiculousness that if I tell you anymore about it you’ll think I’m on a crack binge. Netflix give good TV, but their movies stink, and this is the stinkiest so far. Maybe if you fancy a bit of hate-watching, this is the film for you. Or you’re studying film and you want to see how not to do it, this is the film for you. Otherwise, definitely don’t.

Colourful sci-fi, such a refreshing change from that dull pompous Star Wars stuff, which seems to be flavour of the month at the moment with critics and audiences who believe the force actually exists. If you liked The Fifth Element, you’ll get this movie. What’s being said here is that space is big, there’s lots of stuff in it, and that stuff’s a mish-mash of all our imaginations squashed together. Ok, so some of what’s up on the screen here isn’t all that original, I’m looking at you endangered aliens, who are a cross between the blue monkeys of Avatar and the six-limbed what-nots from John Carter. But there’s enough stuff that is the movie’s own creation to keep the visuals fresh and the action engaging. Having said that, Valerian’s accent (Keanu Reeves straight out of Bill & Ted) constantly distracted me, but not to the point that I couldn’t appreciate Cara Delevingne’s genuine star quality. If you like your sci-fi on the imaginative side, and coloured with a pallet that’s more than 50 shades of grey, rent this film, today.

Not the absolute thing of beauty that rave reviews are making it out to be, but still good. It lagged a bit in middle, and seemed to go round in circles. And it doesn't top Civil War, Marvel's high point so far, but is a worth additional to the library. I can't help thinking though, where to from here - copy this film's style and cash in, or leave at a stand alone achievement that is part of the Thor trilogy in name only.

Prequel – doesn’t that just mean the franchise has run out of ideas on the sequel front, but the studio still wants to wring $ from the concept? Certainly seems true here. But to Ridley Scott’s credit, he’s killed the Alien prequels in half the number of films it took to end the sequels. Alien: Covenant clocks in at just over two hours, and I can honestly say in all that time I didn’t see a single original idea up on the screen. It was all a re-mash of every other Alien. A collection of clichés that failed to work on every level. I was neither engaged by or interested in any of the characters. The setting was a joyless, grey vista that no one in their right mind would want to colonise. And the Alien had zero menace about it. As the ‘twist’ ending played out, I was left wondering how Scott managed to pull off such a masterstroke with the original film. Was he just a lucky chancer who happened to be in the right place at the right time (a la George Lucas and Star Wars)? These first two Alien prequels certainly remind me of the Phantom Menace etc. – all CGI style and no substance. The only slightly redeeming feature here was Danny McBride’s character. He wasn’t quite as cardboard as the rest, and certainly not as irritating as David/Walter, with their ridiculous diction and stilted movements. Rumour has it there may not be any more Alien Prequels. Thank goodness for that. The beasty itself might be very difficult to kill, but not so much the franchise. With the prequels’ clumsy father/son subplot, it’s fitting that the man who gave birth to the Alien is also the one who’s killed it. Nice one Ridley.

Don’t be fooled by the zombie thing, this is actually a very thought-provoking movie. There’s a subtlety to it that I’ve not encountered before in this type of film. With most zombie movies you get to play the last-man-standing game, trying to guess which paper thin moron of a character will be infection free when the end credits roll. I was way off the mark here. I knew it was going to be something good when one hour into the film there’d hardly been a zombie in sight, but I was still enthralled. If you like your movies to pose the ‘what would I do in that situation?’ question, this is really the film for you. Naomi Watts lookie-likie Lucy Walters carries the film. She’s a gem. I felt what she felt, I rooted for her, I wanted her to survive. The setting (an empty forest) played a big part too. Lingering shots of tree-lined horizons and full moons brought home the desolation of Lucy’s situation. The flash backs added real depth to the film, instead of just feeling like padding (as is so often the case). Lucy’s character suffered in the past, and she’s still suffering. You could only want good things for her, at the same time knowing that just ain’t gonna happen. With the recent death of George A Romero, king of the zombie movie, it’s time to expand the genres horizons, and Here Alone does that. Rest easy George, your creation still has lots of ground to cover.

I liked the 1933 King Kong, and the silly 1976 version, but not so much the pompous Peter Jackson affair. And if you happen to be reading this PJ, King Kong isn’t giant gorilla, he’s a King Kong, a thing in his own right – ok, natural history lesson over. Where does this version sit? Well, lower than ’33 and ’76, but way ahead of the 2005 CGI-fest from New Zealand. I straightaway liked this version of Kong (the creature). He’s a standy-up beastie, and therefore towered over the puny humans. Something he was always meant to do. But the said puny humans themselves weren’t that great, acting/characterisation wise. Larson – forgettable. Hiddleston – cardboard. Jackson posting in the same character he’s played since Pulp Fiction. Rilley and Goodman helped to save the day, but the latter was written out way too soon and in a rather heavy-handed manor. Kong was king of the film, and quite rightly so. But a bunch of pixels still weren’t in the same league as the ’33 stop-start motion monkey. Having said that, I liked the ending. It was refreshing to have a Kong film end without his highness being splattered all over the New York sidewalk. There was a nice post credit scene setting up a Kong/Godzilla grudge match. And did anyone else catch John C Rilley explaining how that will work (Godzilla’s x 3 bigger than Kong, apparently)?

More like Lifeless, as in the plot, characters and script. Main point – even if this had been a wholly original idea, the movie would still have been a dud. As it is, there wasn’t a shred of originality in it. Think Alien crossed with Gravity, and you’ve got it. But it could have been better if (and this happens so often with ensemble, cast-die-one- at-a-time films) the players had died in a different order. Had Ryan Reynolds and Hiroyuki Sanada been the last men standing, that would have been interesting. Theirs were the only decent characters, and they were polar opposites too. Though it was Reynolds being Deadpool, and Sanada being the stoic Oriental type (Hollywood loves its stereotypes, I’m surprised there wasn’t an English psychopath in there somewhere), when things were going south in a big way, they would have made an interesting matchup in the ‘trying to get out alive’ stakes. From that point of view, it’s a shame we ended up with Gyllenhaal and Ferguson (English, but not a psychopath, you were so nearly there Hollywood) Mr and Mrs Boring. Really, I just wanted them to die. And that ‘twist’ ending – a five-year-old could have seen that coming from 20 minutes away. You’d think making a movie that turned out to be worse than the sum of its parts would be quite difficult. Not so, apparently. Life shows us once again that CGI and plagiarism do not a good movie make.

I don't think the film was supposed to have an anti-meat message, or if it was, I wasn't bothered by it. I felt it was more anti-corporation (yes, that old chestnut again), which has been done to death and really is a waste of celluloid time. It's like being anti-sunshine, or declaring a war on terror – soundbite nonsense that has no hope of success. What I didn’t like about the film was the acting. The young girl was awkward and seemed ill at ease in front of the camera. Jake Gyllenhaal was just terrible and Tilda Swinton wasn’t much better - they gave ham-fisted (pun intended) performances that were embarrassing to behold. Having said all that, I liked the big pig thing. He/she/it was cute, in a way that a hippo crossed with a dog would be cute. And who wouldn’t want an animal that craps on demand.

The only wonder here is 'I wonder who gave this the green light, I wonder who decided to spend $150 million on a film that has no redeemable features WHATSOEVER!'. It’s difficult to decide which was worse, the plot, the script or the acting. Toward the end, one of the major characters kills themselves. I felt nothing, other than elation at being one step closer to the end of the movie. It’s right up there with Man of Steel, Batman vs Superman and Suicide Squad. DC now stands for Dud Cinema. Avoid. Don’t even watch when it’s on free to air TV. Never watch this film if you value your brain and believe that movies are an art form.

I've noticed in recent years, that Iceland seems to double up a lot as a faraway Sci-Fi location - it gives good planet. But here Iceland is just being Iceland, in all its desolate glory. That works well, because it's a desolate sort of film. Not a lot of laughs in this one, especially the finale. So if you're looking for a fun Sci-Fi romp, this isn't the film for you. On the other hand, if you want a movie that's about the moment, the nitty-gritty of the characters and their situation, I'd recommend it. Lots of very nice cinematography, not a huge amount of dialogue. It's brief (90 mins), which is just as well, because toward the end I was sort of over Iceland's empty beauty, and I really just wanted something to happen. Then when something did happen, it wasn’t what I wanted. I guess there’s no pleasing some people (me).

Standing on the shoulders of giants, or giant in this case (George Lucas). I know GL's Star Wars movies weren't great, and sometimes they weren't even good, but they had heart and a feeling you were in a familiar universe. They felt coherent. Rogue One, on the other hand, felt like a hotchpotch of plagiarism from previous Star Wars movies, and everything plus the kitchen sink thrown in to try and create settings/characters. And BTW, resurrecting the past via CGI does not work. Disney, if you want to make a Sci-fi movie, make one, create something new and develop your own mythos. Don't just get your cheque book out, purchase greatness, and then try (but fail) to make it your own.

Not good. A hotch-potch of ideas that seemed chucked together with no real story or theme. Heavy-handed direction, paper thin characters and fan fiction style dialogue. Visually ok, but again it seemed caught up in its own sense of self importance. If you like Alien, don't watch this because like all prequels it ruins the mystery and of the original.

Superhero movies need two things - a decent baddie (not too camp, not too psychotic) and the film must still be watchable when the heroes are in civilian mode. Does The Avengers have both of these? Just about. The baddie, Loki from the first Thor movie, has the (Hollywood) required British accent that all baddies must have these days, and weaves carefully between camp and stabby-nasty, without straying too far into either territory, though the horned helmet was surely daft. When the heroes aren't on screen, the movie's carried by Samuel L Jackson, Robert Downy Jr, and Chris Evans, who together manage to neutralize Scarlett Johansson's usual monotone, single expression, cardboard cut out performance. New Hulk on the block Mark Ruffalo, is probably the best Bruce Banner to date. Thor and Hawkeye make up the numbers, and though I loved the Thor/Hulk punch-up scene (comic fan boy wet dream), thought the film would haven't lacked if either Norse god or arrow slinging assassin had stayed at home. Script-wise, there were some nice touches, with Samuel L Jackson's Rick Savage (silly name) leaving one classic sentence unfinished and therefore adding to the kudos factor ten fold (you should spot it if you're paying attention). Luckily there wasn't too much of the irritating Tony Stark/Pepper Potts sniping that made Iron Man 2 so hard to bear. Chris Evans' Capt America was the biggest surprise for me. I thought in a lot of ways he was the clue that held the thing together - neither too gung-ho, too whiny and too daft, three traits that curse a lot of on screen superheroes. The action sequences were ok, but the one at Shield headquarters felt a little contrived. The pacing also abruptly shifted down a gear about half an hour into the film, and stayed there for what felt like too long, with all the talkie bits stitched together in one long sequence. On the whole though, quite good for a superhero film, and from a box office point of view, beat that Spider-Man and Batman.

Imagine the cool visuals from District 9 crossed with the terrible gung-ho nonsense from Independence Day, and youâ