A Christmas Carol (2019)

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

Hi, folks! I LOVE this version of ****' "A Christmas Carol". Very dark and refreshingly REAL. Old Camden Town must've been a real crap-hole, according to Mr. **** himself. Guy Pearce is a handsomer and younger Scrooge. In this version, we learn that he actually has a reason to be so miserly and negative about life. He was molested as a little boy by the schoolmaster and his drunken father let it happen. This affected Scrooge his whole life. He never even had a young girlfriend. It's a wonder Scrooge didn't end up gay and cruising the streets of London at midnight and frequenting the dive gay bars. As a matter of fact, how do we know that Scrooge DIDN'T do that? Maybe he did, though I'm bisexual and when I'm in the gay bars, I've never seen him there. And we do know that Scrooge invited that idiot Cratchit's wife (a black British babe) to his apartment for a rendesvous. He even got her to drop her panties. Alright, Scrooge!! I would have done her then and there. Anyway, Scrooge lets her bail without doing anything. I'd give her LOTS of money to make this a regular thing. I'd treat her nice so she actually WANTS to come over so I can get in her pretty black box. You KNOW she'd accept because she needed the bread for food, buying some nice clothes, and oh, yeah!.... Tiny Tim's operations. Forgot about him. In this version, Tim looks rather wholly deformed, so he probably needs more operations, I mean, it's not just that he's a pathetic cripple. He has a mis-shapened head and a stupid look on his face. He's probably in Special Ed classes or else he's gonna be out selling pencils like the Elephant Man. Anyway, Scrooge gets visited by his old partner Jacob Marley. The 3 ghosts show up to try to teach Scrooge some manners and some good ways of living. It's a wonder that Scrooge has never been knifed in an alleyway by now. He is owed money by all the deadbeats in Camden Town, but if just one of them would get the idea to wait for Scrooge at night when he's walking home in the fog, they could club him over the head, take his wallet and office keys, and have a nice little nest-egg for themselves. Anyway, Scrooge is shown the error of his ways including how he could have a pretty good life if he just went ahead and enjoyed the schoolmaster giving him sausage every night in exchange for board, food, and maybe a career at the school. If nothing else, Scrooge could have rolled that guy on a winter night and taken his stash and hit the road. So it seems Scrooge is the smart one still. He never trusts anybody. What do you get when you trust somebody? Trouble, that's what. Scrooge is intelligent. He knows everybody is out for themselves, even that despicable 'rag-n-bones' man who's outside yelling in the street. And do you feel sorry for Boob Cratchit?! I don't. Maybe if he put a plastic bag on that thingie of his, he wouldn't have so many kids after he does his wife. Use your head, Crutchit, you dimwit!! So this is a story of truth and redemption, but only because Scrooge went overboard as a miser. But don't think he was wrong for bribing Mrs. Crutchit to come to his house and drop her soiled panties. That was the hottest scene in the flick, when Vinette Robinson's butt is naked. Yeeeaaaahhh! I like it. If I was in Scrooge's shoes, I would have made her leave ol' Crutch-face. I'm well-endowed (I'm a professional porn actor) and Vinette (Mrs. Crutch) would certainly favor me over that low-brow Boob Crutchit any day. Scrooge starts to change and attempts to make some kind of amends for his past screw-ups. It was even hard for him to give Crutchit an extra lump of coal. Well geez, Scroogie, it's minus -20 degrees outside. How about a little heat in the office so Cratchit's ink doesn't freeze? Now he has to be bothered when Boob asks if he can use YOUR ink. Wasn't the whole point to keep that fool away from you? He's a scammer anyway. With his gloves that have no finger-slots. And that shawl! What is that he's using for a shawl, a freaking strip of toilet paper? Anyway, Scrooge has the right idea. He underpays that halfwit and keeps him hungry. Scrooge wakes up back in reality and actually goes to the Crutchit's house to 'apologize;' to Mrs. C. .... really? I wouldn't apologize, though I would make an appointment with her to come back to my pad so I could do her again. To coerce her, all I'd have to do is flash some cash under her nose. She'd be happy to oblige and I'd make her my regular Saturday night thing. Everybody's happy if they got the ducats and Mrs. Boob Cratchit would be ecstatic if I paid her good for getting down on her knees for me once a week. Anyway, this is a fine and creative turn on the classic Christmas tale which -- let's face it -- can be kind of boring at times. This remains one of my favorite versions. I like the darkness of it all. It is gritty, real, and devoid of any sappiness which is so expected in all the previously filmed editions. Have a Merry Christmas, y'all, and God bless us, everybody!