Mmmminted

Obsession is a deeply disturbing picture with an unrelenting aura of dread and despair. Young adult Bear is crushing on his childhood friend Nikki, and when it isn't going well, he unwittingly makes a magic wish for "her to love him more than anyone in the world." Long story short, it works, fast. Bear makes some really awful choices, the kind somebody who isn't okay would. His whole life from then on is overshadowed by Nikki's suffocating obsession for him. It'll hit different for folks who've been in abusive relationships before, I'm sure. Inde Navarerette's performance as Nikki steals the show, alternating between "desperate for affection" and "violently angry" rapidly and at will. Everybody knows there's something wrong with her, and not even she is able to pinpoint why or how. She literally can't. The other characters aren't always the deepest, but they're written and portrayed like regular, average people living in the moment. Surprisingly rare in cinema. The cinematography is very deliberate in its lighting. From the moment Bear makes his wish, Nikki is frequently cast fully in shadow. The focal point is nearly always squarely centered in the screen, or perhaps off to the left, or right. We're left lingering in dread when Bear is wondering what to do, or a party stops when Nikki says something weird. It can be slow, at times. Bear doesn't have a plan. Nobody does. People don't always have plans, and that's the worst part. What should he do? What would we do?

Martin Short steals the show as a petty, miserable conman who wants everything Santa's got. His tacky makeup, overwhelmingly hammy performance, and surprisingly sweet relationship with a child makes up for the film's shortcomings. It's like 1 was trying to make a Christmas classic, and 2 was doing the same, with weaker results. 3 knows it's a cashgrab, and just has fun with it. The time paradox plot is... decent. Scott is tricked into renouncing his role as Santa, and discovers what his life would've been like. It's basically Back to the Future 2. Some value can be found in Scott rekindling friendships, but the glaring lack of authenticity in Jack's present shows what Christmas has become. It's more artificial and mandatory than anything, but you can make it yours if you try.

The first film was special in part due to the divorce plotline. Scott is bitter and lonely when his ex-wife gets remarried and keeps custody of the kid, but when he transforms into Santa, he finds his new job to be fulfilling. He begins to accept Laura isn't an evil harpy, and Neal is kind of a dope, but a good enough dad. He got all the love he needed from them and the elves. But there are sequels to be made! Let's throw all that away, he needs to be married or else! With some caveats to ensure it isn't an arranged marriage and "true love." There are some sweet moments to be found, overall, but the bitter taste persists. It's not enough to be Santa. You *need* to be married. The Toy Santa plotline maintains some of the peculiar darkness from the first film, as an idiotic A.I. becomes a fascist dictator who must be revolted against. It's goofy, and kinda stupid, but I liked Tim Allen's performance as Toy Santa.

What shocked me about this movie was how dark it was. Scott accidentally kills Santa, and spends the rest of the film slowly transforming into him. We all knew that. But Scott's descent into Christmania not only affects his body, but his mind, too. He's a divorced dad, who still wants visitation with his kid, but is too much of a workaholic to really dedicate. Ouch. As he begins to change, his son is convinced he's Santa, and every other reasonable adult thinks Scott is desperately trying to gain custody. It's a body horror story, where Scott and Charlie are seriously underreacting. Every time Scott accidentally orders eggnog in July, there's a brief glint of recognition in his eye, "Guess this is who I am now." Who thought this was a good idea?! The ironic potential here is unreal. People legitimately watch this as a wholesome classic, Tim Allen is suffering a brain parasite. It's actually pretty funny in execution, and Scott gets a lot of blunt zingers out before he's too far gone.

Indiana Jones, as a franchise, has left its mark on the public consciousness, and went the way of history itself. The same could be said for Indy, even trying to stay out of the plot until it forces him back in. It would be a cool detail, a novel way to finish off the series for one last adventure, if Harrison Ford weren't phoning it in so hard. He really doesn't want to be there! Or maybe that just shows how good of an actor he really is. The CGI is an improvement over Crystal Skull, special mention to the intro with younger Indy. It looks good, I'm surprised too! The rest looks really good (and expensive), but will never compare to practical. Frankly, it looks too polished, less like a passion project for someone's favorite genre, more like a billion dollar extravaganza. The characters are hit-and-miss. An early cameo maintains his earlier energy, and looks really excited to be invited back. A later one got a paycheck for an hour's time. Helena Shaw is actually a wonderful, practical foil to Indy's purer love for archeology. She balances between a confident thief in it for the money, and experienced archeologist honoring her father's wishes, making for a novel character. Teddy, meanwhile, is a decent sidekick, but doesn't stand out so much. Dial of Destiny doesn't recapture the magic, and it can be fun in the moment, but it's a pitiful ending to a beloved franchise.

The Crystal Skull is, in many ways, another classic Indiana Jones adventure that follows the old formula. Car chases, ancient puzzles, booby traps, fun sidekicks... It's also the first one to really change anything. There's actual continuity, referencing things that happened in past adventures, occasionally veering over into gratuitous fanservice. The action works pretty well, though it's a little suspicious how often the camera cuts away when Indy's in a fight... This is the first film in the series after CGI became commonplace, and for 2009, it's not bad! But it'll never compete with real, practical effects. We know that snake isn't real, and they aren't in any real danger. Better for the actors, I suppose, not working with real animals. Crystal Skull stands out from the others, in that Indy is much older now, and so are the audience members who have fond memories of the originals. Thing is, the original trilogy felt like it was recapturing the magic of classic serials, and had a certain passion for it. The sequels here are trying to recapture the magic of Indiana Jones, and it's completely different. Less exploring the world by introducing new characters (read; "old friends"), more returning old ones and fun references. It's not as passionate, more like going through the motions, which is coincidentally what Harrison Ford is doing.

For once, here's an Indiana Jones film that does everything right. No scary tribesmen caricatures, nor flighty dames that drool over Indy. It keeps all the derring-do, and drops the gross stuff. The villains are menacing, but still terrible shots, and the fight scenes are really well choreographed. Keeping in line with its roots, it's another incredible adventure for Indiana Jones. And that's just it, isn't it? Another adventure. The serial programs it's designed after are designed to go on and on forever, sometimes rising in danger, but always returning to the status quo. You could hardly call this a sequel to the others, seeing as there's no rising stakes, and hardly any continuity. Different characters and places, but the same scenarios. They're all the same high-quality, and the John Williams score still hits different, but there should be a stronger justification to keep making these things. What are you trying to say, that you haven't already?

Another incredible globe-trotting adventure, with elaborate set-pieces and fun action, Temple of Doom continues recreating the magic of old adventure serials. I'm still not sure how they filmed all those henchmen falling to their deaths. I guess they actually died? Really, though, it comes off as an affectionate parody of such stories, exaggerating them only slightly with quippy, hammy dialogue. Again, we must consider how well the film has aged. I'd say it's an improvement over Raiders, in some ways. The villains are extremist Hindus worshipping Kali, and performing human sacrifices. This is problematic, if you assume the villains are acting as a stand-in for India in general. The "litmus test" for this can be seen in the monkey brains scene. Indy and the gang are offered disgusting, horrific entrees in a luxury setting, such as chilled monkey brains. It's obviously horrible, but it's seemingly designed to show this specific group is evil to the core. So, is it disgustingly racist, or a clue to the audience something is up? This idea can be extended to a character like Willie, the prima donna ally to Indy. She doesn't want to be here at all, and frequently overreacts to superficial details, even when her new friends are in danger. She's shrill, greedy, and selfish, but does she represent the film's idea for what women are like, or is this just what Willie is like? I don't feel confident enough to give a solid answer myself, but I am wary of its portrayal of the Indian village in peril, and to an extent, Long Short. They crash land near the village, and are quickly praised as Siva's answer to their prayers. Only they can return the sacred stone and save the children, it seems. White Man's Burden, eh? In a silly adventure story, there's little space for nuance. I just hope they don't flatten stereotypes into the mold.

The Indiana Jones series is a love letter to old comic books, of heroic badasses punching bad guys, outsmarting them with his keen wit, flirting with beautiful women, and generally going on adventures. Not before superheroes like Spider-Man and Batman, per se, but before they were the crowned juggernauts of the comic book world. Raiders leans heavily into those classic tropes, even introducing Jones's long-time nemesis "Belloq," implying there were many adventures (read: issues) before this one. Therein lay its strengths and weaknesses. The general plot structure is easily predictable. Indie uses his wits and bravery to find a clue, the **** pop out of the shadows and trap him. He escapes, huge fight, off to the next clue. I'd say Indiana Jones must be the unluckiest adventurer on the planet, but given how many bullets miss him, it might be the opposite. What makes it "predictable" is also what makes it work. Lucas and Spielberg give you everything you need for a fun adventure, with a charming protagonist, bumbling sidekicks, hot girls, hateable villains, car chases, puzzle solving, explosions, daring-do! It owns up to stories that were old even then, with the enthusiasm of a child reading it for the first time. And it's incredibly realized, with stunning practical effects and a huge amount of dedicated background actors. It works! Sadly, it also keeps the parts that should've been left to history, such as the intro sequence, where Belloq tricks the natives to hunt down Indy. They're **** in loincloth and wield crude sticks as spears, hardly people, but props in the battle between the archeologists. After Indie darkens Marion's door, she tries to force him out. "I've learned how to you hate you over the last 10 years!" And she seemingly forgets how overnight. Oh, Marion... As you get swept in the fun and action, it's easy to excuse it. That's how things were in the '30s! And we all know it's not real, so what's the harm? It's that kind of attitude that halts progress and supports regressive mindsets that really believe in this stuff. If nothing else, you can enjoy the rest of the movie, but don't excuse it when it missteps.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

A promise of a steamy love triangle fizzles after the first act into a drama about dreams unfulfilled. And tennis. Lots of tennis. The flashbacks and ending bring a lot of verve, the rest of the film brings it back down.

The Gaang is back, and the animation is pretty good. The pacing feels a little rushed, compared to the series, and the moments of comedic relief stand out from a considerably darker story. Maybe my expectations were too high.

What a snooze fest! Motor City makes a bold choice of having little-to-no dialogue throughout the whole thing. I can appreciate that kind of thing, but in execution... The first emotional slow-mo show of something dramatic, while 70's music blares overhead, it's kind of cool. But the whole movie?? When you pick up on the angle, it almost becomes a comedy. How often somebody looks like they're about to speak, then nod all cool. I counted the word count and body count, and it's surprisingly close. For an action film, there isn't a lot of action until the third act. Most of those scenes don't even stand out much, but the final few were visceral and exciting. A high point, to be sure. Overall, the plot is as older than the 70's, and its one gimmick doesn't work out.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

Good lord, what a terrifying performance. Joe Keery bares his (character's) soul as a desperate, unwell influencer mired in obscurity, who'll do anything for fame. Anything. And when he doesn't get it, he finds an... unexplored market. He doesn't have the largest, or bloodiest kill count, but it seems so realistic, each one is the gravest sin on his head. The fact it could be real (and possibly has already happened) is why it's so hard to watch. When people do horrible things for attention, and you watch it, are you at least partially culpable? The other characters can take some exaggerated personalities, but that's basically what you do online. You exaggerate yourself to stand out. Modern-day found-footage is always a tricky angle to pull off. Nowadays, everybody carries a camera at all times, and it's all too easy to watch someone's life from far away. But how do you make a story off of it? Seeing as Kurt has no idea how to make things people actually want to see, it's fitting he spends so much time rambling to the camera about his personal life. It's natural, really, as Kurt seems to believe if it isn't on camera, it doesn't exist. Most people just put up a highlight reel. This is how you tell a real story with scenes between the carnage, and keep it believable.

Throughout the whole film is a real passion, a will to fight for the soul of rock n' roll. And it's a playful energy, as if it couldn't wait a second longer to release it, and improvised the whole picture. This is Tenacious D's strength, prideful boasting for their role in saving music, yet by all means being a couple middle-aged losers who dream harder than you'd think possible. It's funny, and admirable. Multiple songs are written as if "JB" (Jack Black) conjured them up on the fly, a combination of wishful thinking and what's immediately in front of him. It's still funny, and the two leads put a lot of **** in their roles. It seems they poured themselves into this project, and felt dejected when it didn't kill in theaters. I feel a little guilty, then, because I love its spirit, but I didn't laugh that much. It's supposed to be so corny, it's practically parodying biopics that are so popular right now, but it isn't always exaggerated enough to stand out.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

While the plot is weaker than the first, it's still not afraid to get *freaky* with its humor. Who greenlit these bizarre jokes? And why are they so funny?? Some real lowbrow, low hanging fruit stuff, and practically all of them have nothing to do with the source material. But it works, dang it. Except the frequent pop-hits that interrupt every few minutes, those could be toned down. Pridefully, I can't give it any higher than a 7, because while the animation is slick, and jokes irreverent, I can't respect much of anything else. I can't tell if the shoehorned romance subplots are ironic or not... is it so bad it's good, or just bad?

Tuner seemed so familiar while watching, but I couldn't place it until near the end; this movie is just Drive, and Baby Driver, for that matter. A humble, quiet everyman enters the criminal world as a side gig to pay off some bills. It goes great, until they mess with his friends, etc. etc. etc. Once I realized that, it's all I could think about. To its credit, it does a good job meticulously pulling us into the headspace of this specific handsome, tragically misunderstood shmuck, and his rare disability that controls his whole life. It gets pretty heavy later on, and it shook me good. Doesn't reinvent the wheel, but it's a decent enough little wheel.

Little Monsters comes off as another cliche 80's-90's children's fantasy adventure, ripping off E.T. or some such. I was surprised to see, however, that this thing has more heart and guts than expected. From a time when children's entertainment wasn't measured and quantified so precisely, it gets away with some frank discussions about divorce and kids lashing out. It's hard to accurately depict what kids are like on a good day. They swear, and don't say what they mean, and don't think things through. Fred Savage's performance of a troubled kid coping poorly was pretty well executed, on his part. There's a pretty good story to be found about overindulgence.

At times, I thought I could almost see what the original stageplay was like. Music numbers weren't too bad. But even after sitting through the whole thing, you never, ever get used to the uncanny appearance of the cats. And there's a certain amount of "magic" when going in-person that adds suspension of disbelief that isn't present on film, not at all helping the disjointed and erratic performances from everybody in sight.

It's actually got a pretty neat premise, but it only lives up to its potential near the end. In the meantime, a mediocre performance from the cast, a yawn-inducing plot, and animation that... well, it really tried.

It's a total crowd-pleasing home run, just like The Martian. It's funny, exciting, ambitious, and uplifting. The visuals are incredible, near impossible to tell from reality, save for maybe for Rocky. The story has a lot going on, with some real science and fictional, yet it's all fairly easy to follow. The scope is epic, with the fate of the universe involved, and the plot evolves repeatedly, naturally. Ryan Gosling gives a good performance as a smart, humble, "aw, shucks" everyman. Really, no complaints.

Hoppers is the same high quality, imaginative Pixar story in the same way as usual. Quirky characters, fluid animation, and lighthearted humor. This time, though, the jokes aren't afraid to get a little freaky at times. It feels like the whole reason they made the thing is to show some hilarious and/or terrifying stuff in acts 2 and 3. It also makes a compelling point for how best to approach animal rights; respect them as you would a human's. And respect humans as you would animals. Can be all too easy to go too far, one way or the other.

Return to Silent Hill is bold and brash, tending to go further than we as an audience are willing to. Jeremy Irvine's "James Sunderland" quickly drops from a man in grief to a cartoonish caricature of a Tim Burton-esque edgelord. He's dropped into a vibrant nightmare where he's.... Teh reel monsterrr. Yet it's unintentionally hilarious! The dark, dangerous twists and cheesy performances dare you to step in and hold onto dear life. The visuals pop out in HD, but the greenscreen is abysmal, and occasionally, it just looks like an early 2000's MTV showcase. Is it well done? Noooo. But I had a lot of fun struggling to follow. And in the end, if I enjoyed it, hasn't it done something right?

Mortal Kombat 2 aims for the awful writing of comic books, video games, and any other story that's gone on way too long. Characters that died are unceremoniously resurrected, familiar faces get sweeping introductions, and catchphrases are spouted as if it's the first time anyone's thought of it. It's almost nostalgic, really, unapologetically leaning into cheesy performances. This is the kind of movie a fan would've conceived as a teenager, with a reverence for the source material and a struggle to balance its lighter and darker elements. It does a better job at landing it, though. Whereas the previous had promise and flashy fights, it faltered with an uninteresting protagonist and half the jokes flopped. Macguffins are chased after, but poorly explained why they're important in the first place. This one knows it's dumb, and having fun with it, effectively trying to laugh with you at the stranger aspects. Karl Urban's performance as Johnny Cage doubles down, while Adeline Rudolph as Kitana grounds it again. Whether you're a longtime fan or just getting in, you can follow one or the other. With a lighter tone, funnier jokes, and fights just as good, if not better, than before, I'll have to say it hits the marks of a summer blockbuster to watch, enjoy, and move on.

A bloody good time, if Kill Bill had no chill. There's violent mayhem, twisted villains, and a determined protagonist covered in blood by the end. This one's about a woman seeking redemption for herself, after leaving her sister in a really bad way. Currently, she's fallen in with a cult of immortal demon worshippers, who can survive anything they fall victim to. Anything. A premise like that comes with a wide variety of gruesome kills and creative weapons. It'll be up to the viewer if the villains are fun to hate or too hammy for their own good. Even when it's hyping itself up a bit too hard, and straining against its budget, it feels like everybody had a blast making it. Special mention to the dining room scene.

I went in blind, not sure if it was real or not. As a "documentary," it's shockingly irresponsible. I got the feeling, multiple times, I was complicit in something just watching, and should leave. As a horror movie, it's a rather dull slow-burn. Watching a woman unravel in her obsession to find her brother, a wound that never fully healed, as mourning never does. Actually pretty competent in its presentation, it really DOES seem like a documentary! A large cast where everybody has a piece of the puzzle, except most of them don't really add much. The ending finally reminds you that this IS a horror movie, and the questions go deeper yet. I'd like to give extra points for that, but it's such a small amount of time...

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

You hate to see it. When a simple, fun, and friendly game like Angry Birds gets picked up, there's money on the table, and somebody's gotta grab it. Sequels, tv shows, and finally, a big Hollywood movie, that has to expand into a bloated farce and explain simple things the original took for granted. "Why DO you shoot them with a slingshot?!" That being said, the actual film is pretty funny sometimes. Past the ad nauseum bird/egg/pig puns, which can be lighthearted and cheeky if done right, the real humor falls on Red's neighbors acting idiotic, as he rolls his eyes at them. There are more than a few jokes that get weirder and darker than you'd think, and maybe, just MAYBE a poignant message about not waiting for somebody else to solve the problem. Your leaders and heroes are human, and fallible. It might be up to you, yes, YOU to do what's right. It really could've been much worse, like Garfield (2024), or any one of the Minion movies.

An enthralling mystery, where the supernatural is probably the cause from the start. But what is it? Ghosts? Demons? Something cult-y, or a witch from the forest, just kids running away? What is it?! The question compels the viewer and every character inside to pay close attention to everything. I'd heard some pushback to the ending, where all is revealed, as if that ties it all up with a neat little bow. Not ideal for horror. I'd disagree, because the truth is more revolting than what they could've imagined, and what happens next is yet more shocking. I'm shook.

Its strong suits are the coy men mass-murdering ****. Given that, there's way too much time spent talking on a boat. It's fine when the spies are schmoozing up **** for intel, but overall, it's pretty boring. The coy, smug Brits talking smooth gets old eventually. Worse, since they're all the same brand of cocky! May as well all be the same character in different hats. When the action picks up, it's a good time, but still barely pulled me out of my bored stupor.

There's conceivably a good story hidden somewhere in here, but you'd have to go looking. Strange elements that are poorly explained hold the entire plot on their backs, characters act entirely unnaturally. Sometimes fun, frequently confusing, always irritating. And the CGI **** too.

Recaptures the magic, and lays it all out for new fans. Occasionally heavy-handed, and much goofier than expected, but I'd say it comes together well enough.

A prison story for children, where history repeats itself and every detail is connected. It's pretty smart, and frequently goofy, whilst maintaining a dark undertone throughout.

A fun premise and fun green-screen effects, but weird eccentricities hold it back. Plot threads get built up, then dropped dead. New ones seemingly pop up out of nowhere. Excluding the henchman character's scenes, I don't think I laughed once. While Samuel Dunning was great at bouncing off himself, it was nonetheless hard to follow which Tim is which, which is problematic when Tim is 90% of the characters.

This one's biggest strength lies in its characters; (nearly) all have a dark secret, such that any one could've held the whole movie on their own.

Preposterous and sappy, but less so than pretty much any other YA supernatural romance.

A consistently hilarious coming-of-age story for 20-something's struggling to move up. Plot gets a little loosey-goosey and meanders, but it ultimately helps the bizarre road-trip treasure-hunting vibe. How much bad luck can they have?!

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

An action-packed heist with a neat premise devolves into gratuitous competency porn. Both sides work hard to resolve their respective problems, by shouting out commands and bickering. No emotional core to speak of, the audience is left wondering who to root for, not because they're all compelling, but because they're not.

Dark, depressing, and grappling with some complex emotions, it captures a vibe only replicated in obscure arthouse films, and translates for a broader audience. Great animation and voice acting, pretty good writing. Certain moments feel almost anti-climactic.

As somebody with a minor phobia of going out-of-bounds in video games, this movie exploits it mercilessly. Set in a time before "noclip" meant anything, they crafted a surprisingly deep and logical theme for the horror, for people trapped in the past. It's even easy to follow without seeing the YT series!

Brokeback Mountain reels you in with soft, satisfying ranching, the kind that seems impossible to imagine in today's urban landscape. And then it pulls away, leaving the characters (and viewers) longing for simpler times. I'll remember my time on Brokeback Mountain, for how it tried to break through the biases of the general public when we weren't quite there yet.

While initially promising, Shelby Oaks begins treading old ground with a tired satanic panic story, with nothing new or, indeed, interesting to add. Featuring a "YouTuber" who finds real supernatural phenomena, who goes missing after one too many, her profession means little all in all, beyond seeking ghosts in the first place and triggering a widespread manhunt, where nobody helps the protagonist whatsoever. The friends who also went missing are merely a footnote, as the question on "everybody's" mind, is, "Where's Riley?" This is to say, the plot holes are glaring, and the rest uninspired.