Keepzepack

Can't imagine how they convinced so many famous, gifted performers to participate in this moronic, misogynistic, substandard, poorly written, incompetently edited and deeply unfunny movie.

Slow, tedious, boring movie, where the camera lingers on flat earth and the movie lingers on long, long silences between grunts by the actors. As if this weren't bad enough, there is Director Jane Campion's fixation with pianos, ever since she won sone underserved award for her previous film, The Piano. In this film, she has dusty cowboys dragging a grand piano onto the Wyoming deserts for unimaginable reasons. I could only take 45 minutes of this awful film, then turned it off.

A masterpiece. Ten-year-old Tatus O'Neal was awarded Best Supporting Actress, but deserved the Best Actress Award because she dominates the film and brilliantly. Also brilliant is the acting, throughout, the directing, the editing and the script.

This bad imitation of Bergman, with characters shallow as cartoons, reveals how shallow Woody Allen is. The mother is cold and distant? Her dress and decor are white and beige, and speaks in monotones about "ice grey" porcelain. The stepmother, described as a "hot mama" wears red, loves meat "blood rare" and collects cheap native art of naked natives. As in Bergman, the characters do soliloqueys, but Allen's characters speak gibberish because his characters are one-dimensional with nothing to say. I won't spoil the cloying ending-- the movie does a better job than I could.

The major reviewers were afraid to knock a movie so studded with stars, so they praised this movie when they should have panned it. Here's Scorsese longing for the Goodfella glory days and using the same cast to try to recapture it. This is no Goodfellas. It's derivative. It's badly edited. It's boring. And worst of all, the movie keeps interrupting itself with captions under various characters that say things like: "Shot in the head in his driveway, July, 1980." These ridiculous captions take you out of the movie. It's 3 1/2 hours long, fercryingoutloud. It gets interesting in the 3rd hour, but it'll take a 2 1/2 hour slog to get you there.

I'm at the 50 minute mark in this boring conceit of a film. This is bad. I loved Breaking Bad. This meandering, unfocused ode to Jesse Pinkman can't figure out where it's going and I no longer care.