Who: Hugh Jackman, Jean Luc Picard, and the most talented child actor of all time as X-23
What: The incredibly moving most grown up superhero movie ever created
Where: The part of the X-Men universe that is loosely based on a Clint Eastwood film
When (can I watch again): As soon as you recover from the emotional tole this movie takes on you
Why: If X-Men DoFP was our childhood's redemption, this movie is our childhood's funeral. Strap yourself in for one final yet perfect adventure.
No doubt a visual accomplishment, but let's be real, they are looking for a mineral called "unobtanium," this is the blockbuster thrill ride Middle-America has been waiting for their whole lives.
Who: Michael Cera, BoJack Horseman, Voldemort, Voldemort's Voice Actor, and NOT all of the other people who played Batman before (which I could have sworn the Lego people promised us)
What: The most loving Batman parody of all time
Where: Lego Gotham City
When (Can I watch again): Whenever you need to be reminded Batman is a GREAT versatile character no matter what Ben Affleck will have you believe.
Why: This movie is genuine fun for all ages. Batman fans will especially get a kick of all the stellar references.
Who: Matthew McConaughey, ScarJo, Ted, The Ghost of Stonewall Jackson, and a ton of other people you totally didn't know could sing.
What: A fun kids film with a wide range of pop songs to back it up.
Where: A universe almost exactly like Zootopia, but there's a lot more singing.
When (Can I watch again): Whenever you have Elton John stuck in your head and you have to babysit some kids.
Why: This movie has nothing on Pixar, but it's still a fun watch with catchy tunes.
Who: James McAvoy, Kid James McAvoy, Woman James McAvoy, Sexual Assault James McAvoy, Metro-sexual James McAvoy, Artsy James McAvoy, Diabetic James McAvoy, and more!
What: The comeback M. Night Shyamalan deserves
Where: A weird guy's basement; like most great movies.
When (Can I watch again): You'll probably need to watch it immediately due to disbelief that M. Night Shyamalan actually made a good film post 2003. Why: This is M. Night's 4th best film, and gives me hope for the future of this once incredible director's career.
Who: Emma Stone, That dude who wrote that dumb song with the line "perfect imperfections" in it, and "WHAT DO YOU WANT????" as Sebastian
What: The most fun and immersive musical since "Across the Universe"
Where: La La Land
When (can I watch again): When it inevitably wins Best Picture at the Academy Awards
Why: If you thought Whiplash was too "intense" or "pessimistic" you're crazy, but Damien Chazelle will certainly win you over with this delightful film.
Who: Casey Affleck, Heath Ledger's wife, and the Dad from Super 8 as, Joe Chandler
What: A movie that's tag line is essentially, "it's really sad," that isn't all that sad.
Where: That place where Aerosmith came from
When (Can I watch again): Whenever you want to watch an Affleck give a great performance instead of saying stupid dialogue, or ruining Batman for everyone
Why: This is an excellent film with great Oscar potential, but I'd be shocked if it actually won.
Who: Felicity Jones, a Spanish guy, and Charles Jefferson as, Saw Gerrera
What: Another reason for butt-hurt Warcraft fans to leave their basement, wash the cheetoh dust from their hands, and trash a movie that is actually pretty great
Where: A Galaxy Far, Far, Away
When (Can I watch this movie again): If you like Star Wars, any time. If you ****'re the worst type of person.
Why: While Episode 7 was very divisive among fans, this movie stays true to the intentions of the original trilogy and delivers what it promised.
Who: Amy Adams, Hawkeye, and someone who agreed to be in Taken 3 as, Colonel Webber
What: Another phenomenal addition by Denis Villeneuve that makes me wonder, is he the best director of this century?
Where: Earth. I wanna say...Scotland? When (Can I watch this again): Arrival will be a sci-fi gem you can watch over and over again. Why: If you loved the unrelenting suspense of "Prisoners" and the feeling of utter futility "Sicario" shoved down your throat, then this film will blow your mind in a completely different way from his previous films.
Who: Benedict Cumberbatch, Sinead O'Connor, 12 Years a Slave, and the **** version of Hannibal Lecter as, Kaecilius What: Ant-Man meets Harry Potter meets MC Escher Where: The consistently amazing Marvel Cinematic Universe When (can I watch again): A couple months Why: Though this is a traditional Marvel plot, the visuals in this film stand far and above any other contribution to the franchise to date.
What: The triumphant return of Corky St. Clair Who: Fred Willard, Constance Carmell, and Lex Luthor's wife in that God-awful Superman Returns movie Where: That amazing mockumentary universe with dog shows, community theater troops, and now, Mascots. When (will you be addicted to this movie): 10 minutes in Why: If you are a fan of Spinal Tap, Waiting for Guffman, or Best in Show, get ready to add a new classic to your shelf
What: Amanda Knox Who: Amanda Knox Where: Perugia, the murder capital of Italy When (will you be addicted to this movie): Almost immediately Why: You'll be interested pretty quickly, but lose interest as soon as you find out this is a super lame version of Making a Murderer
What: Real life Django Unchained Who: Nate Parker, Bobby Elvis, and Armie Hammer as, the man with the coolest f***ing name ever Where: The version of America Donald Trump probably wants to go back to in order to "make it great again" When (can I watch again): Whenever you forget Nat Turner was one of the original badass Americans. Why: Nat Turner is one of the most amazing, and inspirational Americans that ever lived, if you've never even heard his name this movie is a must.
Who: Mike Birbiglia, Ted's girlfriend at the end of Scrubs, Britta, and Hingle McCringleberry as Jack What: A heartfelt comedy with improv comics Where: The poor part of New York City where dreams go to die, and people move to to follow their dreams. When (Can I watch again): For every 3 times you watch Sleepwalk with Me, you can watch this movie again. Why: If you're a fan of Mike Birbiglia's standup, or just independent comedies in general, this movie will be a delight.
Who: Jane Levy, Ralph Dover, and the Col. from Avatar as the world's craziest blind man What: The story of three kids too incompetent to rob a blind guy Where: The Miracle Worker's house When (Can I watch again): Whenever you're not trapped in a dark basement. Why: As far as horror movies go, this one stands above most, but comes nowhere close to surpassing films like Green Room or It Follows.
Who: Will Smith, Jordan Belfort's hot wife, 30 Seconds to Mars, and several B Actors as everyone else in the movie What: 2 hours of nonsense more pointless than Ghost Rider Where: The unforgivably boring DC Cinematic Universe When (Can I watch this again): Never. Never watch this again. I would sooner join a real life squad where the members actually killed themselves. Why: If you thought Batman Vs. Superman was bad, just wait until you're exposed to pointless cameos, cliche action sequences, and the most anticlimactic Joker storyline ever fathomed.
Who: Seth Rogen, Target Lady, Ant-Man, and Nick Kroll as a literal **** What: The first movie by Rogen and friends that didn't make me laugh the entire time Where: A grocery store, then James Franco's apartment When (Can I watch this again): The next time you do bath salts. The only way you can enjoy this movie twice is if you do bath salts. Why: Seth Rogen is like a much more intelligent Adam Sandler, he gets together with his buddies and just has fun making movies. Sausage Party however, is the first movie of theirs that says, "We might not have any good ideas left."
What: Finding Dory Who: Ellen DeGeneres, Jay Pritchett, and Cliff Clavin as, an essential part of every Pixar movie. Where: Mostly in an aquarium, but sometimes the ocean. When (Can I watch again): When you need to be reminded why Pixar is the f***ing god of fantastic cinema entertaining for all ages. Why: If you were a fan of Finding Nemo, and hated that Cars got a sequel before it did, then sit back and reap the benefits of patience.
What: Star Trek: Beyond Who: Chris Pine, Sean of the Dead, and Zachary Quinto as, not a serial murderer for a change Where: Beyond When (Can I watch again): When you want to watch Star Trek but you also want to watch all of the things that make a block buster terrible. Why: If you want to watch Fast & Furious in space, and don't want to wait until Fast 9, when The Rock will naturally get there on his own, this movie is perfect for you.
Who: Greta Gerwig, The Dad from Boyhood, Stefan, and The **** version of Clarice Starling as Georgette What: A great performance from Gretta Gerwig and Bill Hader, but a phoned in performance from everyone else Where: The Big Apple When (Can I watch again): No time soon, but definitely before you re-watch Gattaca Why: This is an unconventional version of a Rom-Com that despite being totally clever, is totally forgettable
Who: Vera Farmiga, Nite Owl, and the Daughter that Woody Harrelson beats in True Detective What: A fun ride for horror enthusiasts everywhere Where: British Amityville When (Can I watch again): At least a year before this is an enjoyable re-watch Why: As far as horror movies go, The Conjuring franchise is a solid entry in the market. I'd call this film a tie with the first one, inferior to Insidious, but better than Insidious 2
This movie is a lot like church. Seemingly endless, full of people that don't belong in it, and it made me think about crucifying myself the whole time.
Who: James McAvoy, Assassin's Creed, Hunger Games, Llewyn Davis, The Mom from Insidious, Sansa Stark, and Jubilee as a non-relevant part of the film What: A mediocre finale, but a great X-Men film Where: The World's coolest school for gifted youngsters When (Can I watch again): If you're a fan of the franchise, a couple of months, if not, this might be a one time watch Why: Before the MCU took off in ways nerds couldn't even fathom, the X-Men Universe was the biggest and best thing in the realm of comic book movies; we owe it to Bryan Singer to watch this and relive those glory days
Who: Bradley Cooper, Tons of CSI B Actors, and Sienna Miller as Every Southern Boy's Dream Girl What: A well made film that can't help but shove America down everyone's throat Where: 'Murica When (Can I watch again): When you need to research topics of conversation for your morally questionable southern relatives Why: If you've just watched a ton of Michael Moore documentaries and need to watch something ironically, or you need to be reminded why America is so badass, American Sniper has something for everyone
Who: Shelley Hennig, and a whole bunch of mediocre actors who are probably in tons of MTV shows What: A surprisingly fun and originally horror romp that can only be enjoyed once Where: The Internet When (Can I watch again): I defer you to my "what" category above Why: If you like teen slashers or are just getting into the genre, this is an adequate film that delivers the genuinely okay time it promises
Who: Amy Schumer, Stefon, AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA, Lebron "The Man, The Myth, The Legend" James, and Harry Potter as a dog walker What: Judd Apatow's worst movie to date Where: Inside Amy Schumer When (Can I watch again): Meh Why: With more vulgarity than sentimentality, this movie is a step away from "The 40 Year Old Virgin" or "Knocked Up" and it's hard to truly appreciate unless you are a huge fan of Amy Schumer
Who: Chris Pine, Sylar, Gary King, Pam Dawson, The 2003 Hulk, and Kyle Reese as Pavel Chekov What: A fantastic re-branding of an already fantastic franchise Where: The Final Frontier When (Can I watch again): Whenever you need proof J.J. Abrams is god Why: Even if your somehow not a fan of the franchise this is a perfect adventure blockbuster that you can completely get **** into while forgetting about all of life's problems.
Who: Christian Bale, God, Tom Hansen, Princess Diaries, and Mad Max as "I was booooorn in the dark" What: The epic conclusion to what is and what always will be DC's greatest trilogy Where: Gotham City, then the bottom of a hole, then Gotham City again When (Can I watch again): When you want to watch a sequel that isn't as good as it's predecessor Why: Though this is a must watch, it seems to fall a tad short of the perfect conclusion that could have been
Who: Aubrey Plaza, Pete Eckhart, and Nick Miller as Jeff Schwensen What: An endearing yet almost too eccentric tale about friendship, love, and time travel Where: P.O. Box 91 Ocean View, WA 99393 When (Can I watch again): Every five years or so Why: If you like indie comedies that try to make it big like Juno, but don't quite succeed, this film is for you
Who: Thomas Mann, Ron Swanson, New Frank Castle, and Superstar as Denise Kushner What: A similar high school experience to mine except my girlfriend wasn't dying, my chemistry teacher wasn't from The Walking Dead and my best friend was white Where: The most entertaining place in the world to watch, but you would jump off of a bridge before you went back: High School When (Can I watch again): When you're on a date and you want something more serious than Date Night, or any Rom Com ever Why: This is an original coming of age story that you truly shouldn't miss out on if you're a fan of Perks of Being a Wallflower or John Hughes
Who: Imogen Poots, Kyle Reese, Maeby Funke, and Professor X as a **** named Darcy What: The most original and entertaining horror film since It Follows Where: The U.S. city with the most skinheads per capita, which is apparently Portland, Oregon When (Can I watch again): When someone thinks All Time Low is punk rock and you need a movie to show them what real punk rock is Why: In this day and age it seems the only types of horror movies being made are either terrible, sequels, or Paranormal Activity (both). Movies like Green Room only come around once a year if we're lucky.
Who: David Kaye, The guy who was Rhino for 12 seconds in that Spiderman flick, Roseanne's husband, and James Arnold Taylor as a man with three first names What: A franchise so close to my heart it pains me to slander it Where: The first galaxy far, far away we fell in love with before we were old enough to truly appreciate Star Wars When (Can I watch again): When you have obtained every trophy in the 2016 Ratchet and Clank game except for the one where you have to use the 'Groovitron' on every enemy. Then you go through the entire game again because you have not yet gotten it, and you spend 3 and a half hours using the Groovitron on every enemy and still do not get it so you throw the game away out of sheer frustration...I know a guy... Why: If you were a true fan of one of the greatest franchises in the Playstation universe, you owe it to yourself to watch this movie. If you were not a fan, I can almost assure you you will hate it
Who: Helen Mirren, Jesse Pinkman, The ghost of Alan Rickman, The Somalian guy from Captain Phillips, and Lord Friend Zone as British Foreign Secretary James Willett What: Aaron Paul playing Jesse Pinkman if he flew drones, and Helen Mirren playing Walter White if he was a military commander Where: The dangerous part of **** like dangerous because of animals, but dangerous because of drones and stuff When (Can I watch again): The next time you need a good moral dilemma to contemplate Why: Though it does not live up to the caliber of film Sicario is, you definitely feel a nearly comparable vibe of tension and futility throughout; it's everything one could want in a thriller
Who: Captain America, Iron Man, Black Widow, Spider-man, Vision, Black Panther, Hawkeye, Scarlet Witch, Ant-Man, War Machine, Falcon, and Sebastian Stan as The Winter Soldier What: The best, and arguably most important Civil War ever to happen Where: A truly wonderful part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe where Aunt May is actually hot When (Can I watch again): Anytime, anywhere Why: Honestly, if the "Who" description above doesn't make you want to see this movie, there's nothing anyone can do to help you
Who: John Gallagher Jr. (who agreed to do this movie for some stupid reason) and the director's wife as the main character What: 'The Miracle Worker' meets 'The Strangers' Where: Some sort of crazy universe where serial killers are stupid and it is a privilege to be deaf When (can I watch again): When you don't have the option for subtitles and you want to watch something in which dialogue bears little importance Why: This is a solid concept for a slasher film, but unlike staples in the genre such as 'You're Next' or 'The Strangers,' it falls to give us enjoyable characters, intelligible dialogue, and most importantly, tension
Who: Tom Hanks, Q, and Tom Skerritt as an unnecessary addition to the cast What: 70 minutes of alright movie, 20 minutes of random topless scuba diving Where: Tom Hanks' dream vacation When (Can I watch again): When it comes on TV and there's NOTHING else to watch Why: It's difficult to find a truly bad movie with Tom Hanks in it, and you won't find it here
Who: Ginnifer Goodwin, Michael Bluth, Heimdall, Terence Fletcher, Sarah Marshall, Mona Lisa Saperstein, and Shakira as a gazelle version of Shakira What: Disney's follow-up to Frozen and Big Hero 6 with a lot less super heroes and a lot fewer annoying pop songs Where: Zootopia; it's like Planet of the Apes with race discrimination When (Can I watch again): When you don't own Big Hero 6 and you're sick of listening to Let It Go Why: Nobody makes movies that are thoroughly enjoyable for all ages like Disney
Who: Russell Brand, Popstar version of Zooey Deschanel, and Noel Gallagher as God What: A voice of reason in this Trump-era we live in Where: Russell Brand's wet dream When (Can I watch again): When you finish Forgetting Sarah Marshall or Get Him to the Greek and still need more Aldous Snow in your life Why: Whether you love him or hate him, the man is funny and makes some good points within his own political agenda; it's definitely worth a watc
Who: John Goodman, Die Hard's daughter, Jim Harper, and Bradley Cooper's voice as Ben What: A sequel to the best found footage movie of all time Where: Dwight Schrute's basement When (Can I watch again): Whenever you need to be reminded J.J. Abrams is god Why: This movie is basically Room, except it has Cloverfield Monsters. The one thing Room was truly missing
I am going to walk through the entire movie and explain everything that actually happens. Based on reading this, it is unlikely you will have a desire to see this movie, so stop here if you so wish, or just take my word for it that this movie is definitely worth a watch. Okay, here is The Witch at face value. The movie starts with a family of 7 being kicked out of a puritan community because...well I have no idea why they were kicked out, they speak in this crazy language that sounds like drunk Shakespeare. Dost thou barter a pic sixpense for me ninny? Is something that was said during this movie. So the family drives this wagon (that totally looks like it's going to fall over) out of Jamestown or Boston or some s*** and drive it to a field where they're gonna start new lives. The father builds a house and other manly s*** while the daughter plays peekaboo with the family baby. She closes her eye for like 4 seconds and loses the baby. Horrible babysitter. The family moves on, because you know, back in those days like 80% of babies died. Anyway, The father and eldest son go hunting and try to shoot a rabbit, but the rabbit looks at them menacingly and his gun jams and something flies in his eyes, which are unaffected for the rest of the film. Then the boy and father get home and the two youngest children are playing with the family goat. The next morning the boy wants to go hunting but his older sister won't let him go alone and so she goes with him. After like a mile the girl falls off of the family horse and the boy goes on without her and makes out with this hot but clearly evil woman who came out of a tree. The girl wakes up and runs home to tell the family, later that night the boy teleports back to the home completely naked. The eldest daughter is accused of being a witch because the naked boy who was left out in the rain won't wake up. Then he wakes up and it turns out he was just choking on a gross apple. Then he re enacts what would appear to be an entire performance of Macbeth before dying. The Father thinks a witch killed his son and does what every rational parent would do, and locks every one of his 3 remaining children in sheds outside. He then stays outside and prays while eating dirt. Meanwhile, a crow goes in to motor boat the mother. Morning comes, the family goat kills the father, the two youngest children vanish and the mother tries to kill her only remaining child. The eldest daughter stabs the mother, goes to nap in a shed, wakes up to talk to the devil, then goes into the woods where tons of tastefully nude women are dancing and flying. The end. That's the movie, but you have to believe ****'s worth a watch.
Who: Hugh Jackman, Katniss, and a ton of other cool X-Men unlike that lame First Class BS. The coolest mutant in that movie was a dude who shouted at water so he could fly. What: The best super hero movie ever made hands down Where: A wonderful, wonderful world where both Ian Mckellen and Michael Fassbender can be Magneto When: May 23, 2014 Why: Bryan Singer made this film to make up for the utter garbage that followed X2. What? Some other director ruined the end of my trilogy? What? This new trilogy is off to a shaky start? Let me fix BOTH problems with one movie and restore everybody's faith in the X-Men. Ten minutes into this movie I turned to my friend and said, "This is gonna be better than Avengers" and sure enough, I was right. This movie has the best ending to a superhero movie I've ever seen, literal jaw-dropping action, and the best utilization of The F Word in a PG-13 movie.
Who: Hugh Jackman, Nightcrawler, and Young Brian Wilson What: Arguably the best thriller ever made Where: A dark, terrifying part of Pennsylvania worthy of Shyamalan When: September 20, 2013 Why: Do you like mystery thrillers? Look no further, this is the best one I've ever seen. What about The Usual Suspects? Not a mystery, if Kevin Spacey is in a movie he's the bad guy. What about The Bourne Identity? This is an original plot, not Matt Damon pretending to be Wolverine. What about The Machinist? Really Google? The Machinist? I google best mystery thrillers and you give me Christian Bale starving himself for ninety minutes? Take it from me, this is a solid mystery with a truly evil villain and the last 20 minutes will leave you at the edge of your seat.
Who: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Die Hard, and that chick who's married to Jim Halpert in real life What: The best, most original Sci-fi movie since Blade Runner Where: The future When: September 28, 2012 Why: This movie has the most accurate portrayal of time travel since Doc Brown and Marty revved up the DeLorean. On top of that you have action hero Bruce Willis, bike enthusiast and Batman sidekick JGL, AND Paul Dano, who I have never seen in a bad movie. This movie also has one of those endings that is open to interpretation; you know, the kind of ending you are right about and your friends are definitely wrong about because they're terrible people when it comes to talking about movies or TV shows.
Of all of the Oscar Nominees this year, I have had my life changed by zero. I watched them, enjoyed them, and forgot about them for the most part by the next day. There are some exceptions. I thought about The Big Short over the course of the following week to see if I could understand the housing bubble better in my head, I thought about how Room made me feel while I was falling asleep that night after I saw it, but I've thought about the last 10 minutes of 45 Years more than all of the Best Picture Nominees combined. This was one of those movies that lingers in your head so much, The Cranberries could have written a song about it. Let me preface, this movie is only 90 minutes, and the first 80 are so incredibly slow it's like you're being forced to watch How It's Made in High School P.E., but boy does it pay off. The ending of this movie punches you in the gut with so much futility you'll think Gone Girl had a happy ending. I will also preface this movie is not for people who disapprove of sad endings, this movie can only be described as "Soul-crushing." Also, don't bring a date if you want the relationship to last. Couples should have at least 10 years of bliss under their belt, or be confident enough to claim they're the next Niles and Daphne Crane. This movie was finally able to do what no other movie in 2015 ((obviously) other than Star Wars) could, think, feel, and remember why I watch movies in the first place.
Who: Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Brody, F-R-A-N-C-I-S, and Stefan Kapicic as the first Russian Colossus in an X-Men movie What: The role Ryan Reynolds was born to play Where: A cross between the X-Men universe, A Dane Cook performance, a good comedian's performance and wherever Rambo takes place When (Can I watch again): When you want to watch a brilliant love story that doesn't **** with your girlfriend Why: This is the most immersed in a superhero origin story I've been since Batman Begins, even the skeptics of the genre will find something to appreciate about this
Who: Brie Larson, Wild Hogs, and Old Man Nick as someone who is never going to be cast in a normal role again What: The most emotionally compelling movie a boy could watch since Field of Dreams Where: A shed designed to be a 5-year-old boy's heaven, and a 20-year-old girl's hell When (Can I watch again): When you need to be reminded your life isn't so bad Why: If you thought this Oscar season was full of bland movies that are simply well-told stories, this will remind you that films are actually made to show you emotions you never knew you had
Who: Christian Bale, Michael Scott, and "WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" as Jared Vennett What: A realistic Wolf of Wall Street that shows how to fear wealth instead of celebrating it Where: The boring scenes from Wolf of Wall Street, otherwise known as real life When (Can I watch again): About a year Why: If you want to see what Adam McKay is truly capable of as a director, while at the same time learning about the 2007 financial crisis in a way not terribly difficult to understand, this movie is for you
