Hababdi

I bought the game because reviews were over rated 90 to 100 only to be met with a reskinned version of the first Hades game. Nothing substantially new and fresh, it only fixed problems and polished features that the first game should have gotten. Waste of money.

Let me preface this review by saying I’ve been a lifelong Donkey Kong fan. I’ve climbed the barrels, swung through the vines, hoarded the bananas, and fought off Kremlings with more enthusiasm than a caffeine-fueled monkey on a pogo stick. So, when Donkey Kong Bananza (yes, that’s how they spelled it — more on that later) was announced, I waited with cautious optimism. What I didn’t expect was to be subjected to a game so mind-numbingly awful, it made Donkey Kong Barrel Blast look like Breath of the Wild. First Impressions: A Bananza of Disappointment From the moment the title screen flickered to life like a broken neon sign outside a condemned arcade, I knew I was in trouble. The logo looks like it was drawn in Microsoft Paint by an intern who’d never seen a Donkey Kong game — or a monkey — before. Donkey Kong himself appears to have been modeled out of wet cardboard and existential despair. His fur texture? Imagine a low-res jpeg of burnt toast. His eyes? Vacant, soulless voids gazing directly into the abyss of your wallet. Gameplay: Or the Lack Thereof The core gameplay loop of Bananza (why that name? WHY?) is as follows: you guide DK through a series of uninspired jungle arenas collecting banana tokens that serve absolutely no purpose. They don’t unlock new levels. They don’t improve stats. They don’t even sparkle. You just... collect them. Forever. It’s like an endless punishment for crimes you didn’t commit. The controls are unresponsive to the point of sabotage. Want to jump? Too bad, the game will think you meant to somersault into a pit. Want to roll-attack? Enjoy flopping face-first into a wall. Every input feels delayed, like the game is trying to ask Siri to interpret your intentions. I died more from DK refusing to grab vines than from enemies — which, speaking of, include such creative monstrosities as “Angry Parrot #3” and “Spinning Barrel of Death,” which is just a regular barrel, spinning. That’s it. Level Design: A Masterclass in Tedium The levels in Bananza (God, I hate typing that) are a fever dream of recycled assets and questionable design decisions. Platforms float in midair with no sense of logic or physics. Backgrounds are so blurry you’d swear someone rubbed Vaseline on your screen. And the music — dear lord, the music — is a looped 12-second MIDI track of a kazoo version of the original DK jungle theme, mixed with what sounds like an actual donkey braying. Boss fights? If you can call them that. The first boss is a giant crab who clips through the floor and soft-locks the game if you hit him more than twice in 30 seconds. The second boss is just a reskinned DK that mimics your moves in a fight to the death... except he has infinite health, and the game crashes when you win. Beautiful. Story: Written by AI on a Deadline The story attempts to be “quirky” and “fun” in the way a straight-to-VHS sequel tries to cash in on nostalgia. DK is apparently trying to stop “The Bananapocalypse” caused by an evil fruit conglomerate called “Monkazon.” Yes, it’s Amazon but monkey-themed. The dialogue is a series of banana puns so egregious, I’m filing a formal complaint with the English language. Characters speak in gibberish voiceovers that sound like a Speak & Spell underwater. Cranky Kong shows up to deliver one-liners that make you question the very concept of humor. Funky Kong is a DJ now, because of course he is. And Dixie? She’s missing entirely. They forgot her. Just... left her out. Like a bad memory. Graphics and Performance: A Banana Peel on Fire If this game runs above 12 FPS, I’ll eat a Joy-Con. Textures don’t load. Models glitch constantly. I once watched DK stretch into an eldritch horror resembling a banana-flavored Slenderman. Shadows blink in and out of existence like scared toddlers. And don’t even try playing handheld — the game stutters so hard it might brick your console. Oh, and the bugs. I fell through floors. Got stuck in walls. Once, I entered a bonus barrel and was transported into a white void where DK T-posed eternally. I’m fairly certain that’s where my soul still resides. Multiplayer: An Act of War There is multiplayer. Unfortunately. It consists of two players racing to collect the most bananas in an arena the size of a postage stamp. The camera doesn’t follow both players — instead, it pans randomly, causing both of you to fall off platforms and rage-quit simultaneously. I lost a friendship over this game. That’s not hyperbole. Final Thoughts: A Monument to Monkey Madness Donkey Kong Bananza is not just a bad game. It’s a digital cry for help. It is the banana-scented embodiment of everything wrong with phoned-in cash grabs and creatively bankrupt franchises. Nintendo should have stepped in. Someone should have stepped in. This game should be studied by scientists as a warning to future generations. If you’ve ever loved Donkey Kong, avoid this abomination like a barrel of spoiled plantains. If you’re curious, don’t be. Go outside. Touch grass

I really tried to love the game. I've loved kojima since metal gear and I always look forward for his work but this one being only an expected upgrade from the first game is subpar. The story pacing is very slow and that kills the experience for me.

I love it in switch 1 but rehashing it just so switch 2 can have more games is very lazy. Smh if this wins awards that original games this year are trying to win

This game is so generic and mid in everything that it genuinely looks like those fake games you see being played in movies. Bad

Same thing over and over again. Very bland and empty open world. too many random variables in tracks. Mid ost, mid graphics,very bad price. Bad

I loved elden ring. I loved the erdtree dlc. In theory I should be able to enjoy this spinoff but sadly it's just reused assets from old fromsoft projects crammed in a supposedly fun multiplayer game. No innovations or proper story, ost is generic. Bad

Everything is generic. The game is afraid of exploring a more innovative approach in storytelling and gameplay.

A love letter to the genre and the industry. This game is everything that the jrpg and the gaming industry as a whole needs as a reminder that passion and creativity comes first

A love letter to the genre and the industry. This game is everything that the jrpg and the gaming industry as a whole needs as a reminder that passion and creativity comes first.

Everything in this game is so corporate coded fail safe that it lost the heart of assassin's creed we know and love. The game feels like a chore I have to play to make most of my money's worth until the game outdone itself and compelled me to not play it again. It is lousy, uninspired and dead on the spot.

I want to love it but the lack of glory kills and the game forcing you to block a lot compared to doom eternal and doom 2016 is not for me. It removed what made doom fun which is its adrenaline adhd inducing movement and kills. This game doesn't feel like the doom I enjoy 2 games ago

I have no other words but I'm sorry, this needs major improvement. The story and it's pacing was boring and dragging. There was no absolute element that could glue me to the game but it's average osts. It lacks heart and focus. I hope the game can includ

Same thing every monster hunter release. Poor optimization and repetitive content. It didn't fail in being monster hunter, It's just that after all their releases they still haven't worked on where they are weak which is the story and characters. It is generic and forgettable. The only impact this game left for is it is still a glorified fashion sim wrapped in what was supposed to be an epic adventure.

Really good concept. It tried to make a unique and innovative way of storytelling in an already familiar format but the game fell short on gluing the story and gameplay together till the end.

Fun with friends just like it takes two but the story has been quite lackluster for me. I do find the innovation for an already working formula commendable. Good game, good writing is just what wraps a game for me and this isn't it.

I really want to love it trust me, but this is something I would rather enjoy as a novel than a game.

From start to finish, Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 excelled in everything there is to judge in a game and was consistent at it even after you finish such a beautiful experience. It is one of those rare games where you'd want to experience it all over again for the first time. The music, writing and art style complimented each other to both give life to the narrative and characters as well as tell a story of their own. I cannot recommend this enough, I am proud and happy to share that this will stick for you for quite a while. Have fun