Love Island (UK)

It was an embrace filled with nostalgia, reminding us of everything we have missed during our stint in Government-mandated isolation.

Are we stupid for hoping Love Island might have changed? Maybe. But it’s the show we love to criticise and we’ll still be tuning in at 9pm every night. See you on the other side.

Enlightened it is not but addictive it remains: there’s something stomach-churningly fascinating about watching human beings who know absolutely nothing about each other beyond their swimsuit colour preference having to publicly declare their romantic preferences, like the first half hour at a party when single people suss out the potential (and the competition) in the room.

The black, Asian, minority ethnic (BAME) contestants were the last to be picked and the first to be dumped. Ah, the empowerment! It’s a very uneasy villa as they progress to swaying and talking Selfies.

They were very fussy, the girls, during the “coupling up” sessions, two of the blokes ending up on the “subs bench”, Darwinian dead ends waiting for extinction. .... It’s vulgar, vulgar, vulgar. Obviously.

Jama is a good choice. Easily cooler than all the contestants though without being unsupportive, she is capable at handling annoying men and excellent at slow-motion walking, which is largely the entire job. .... Ultimately, why are we doing this again?

I hate myself as much as I love Faye, Kaz and Hugo and love it as much as I hate the rest and the whole retrograde stink of it.