Critic Reviews

It was an embrace filled with nostalgia, reminding us of everything we have missed during our stint in Government-mandated isolation.

Enlightened it is not but addictive it remains: there’s something stomach-churningly fascinating about watching human beings who know absolutely nothing about each other beyond their swimsuit colour preference having to publicly declare their romantic preferences, like the first half hour at a party when single people suss out the potential (and the competition) in the room.

Are we stupid for hoping Love Island might have changed? Maybe. But it’s the show we love to criticise and we’ll still be tuning in at 9pm every night. See you on the other side.

Instead, the episode belongs to the newly appointed Jama, who takes over the reins from Laura Whitmore as the show’s latest host. .... But even with Jama’s magic, is winter Love Island any good? For many, the answer will be no. For one, these early episodes are dull. The format at this point is slightly tired and outdated. And yet, this is Love Island at its most pure, before the fights and the mess.

Based on this opening episode not much has changed. It was as tediously formulaic as ever (“How are you feeling? How are YOU feeling?” asked presenter Laura Whitmore repeatedly). Yes, be reassured it will be as shallow as ever.

They were very fussy, the girls, during the “coupling up” sessions, two of the blokes ending up on the “subs bench”, Darwinian dead ends waiting for extinction. .... It’s vulgar, vulgar, vulgar. Obviously.

The black, Asian, minority ethnic (BAME) contestants were the last to be picked and the first to be dumped. Ah, the empowerment! It’s a very uneasy villa as they progress to swaying and talking Selfies.

It was mostly the same old, same old, beautiful young people saying they liked “nice bums”, “tattoos”, “facial hair”, “no facial hair”, demonstrating sexual positions and orgasm faces, and the producers playing mind games designed to create jealousy and hurt feelings.

Jama is a good choice. Easily cooler than all the contestants though without being unsupportive, she is capable at handling annoying men and excellent at slow-motion walking, which is largely the entire job. .... Ultimately, why are we doing this again?

I hate myself as much as I love Faye, Kaz and Hugo and love it as much as I hate the rest and the whole retrograde stink of it.