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[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

Wait, did I watch this? I gave it a score, so that means I must've watched it. Also, why did I watch it?! ACTUAL REVIEW: The most "playing on a cheap CRT at Albertsons" movie ever made.

I thought everybody was dissing the Star Wars sequel trilogy for not having a plan, but I guess it's okay when Spider-Man does it because...they referenced the memes that everybody liked? Okay, that's a bit unfair. Even if No Way Home is similar to Rise of Skywalker in many ways: it's "plot" is a series of cobbled together fetch quests; the dialogue sounds like the worst kind of NPC video game writing (there are quite a few "They fly now!"-style quips scattered throughout the film); it's ugly as sin, with choppily edited action and conversation scenes where it feels like no character is inhabiting the same space; it's devoid of any real coherent themes. And for all the fervor about this being the conclusion to a trilogy, it feels less like the cultivation of what came before, and more like Feige and Co. panicked after scrolling through Reddit complaints about the MCU Spider-Man. But there are compensations. William Dafoe has never been better as Green Goblin/Norman Osborn, elevating a version of the character that feels like he was written entirely out of memes. (JUST LIKE A CERTAIN OTHER FAMOUS VILLAIN THAT WAS BROUGHT BACK IN THE LAST F-okay I'll stop making Rise of Skywalker comparisons.) Andrew Garfield is given a far better role than he had in his own tril-sorry, duology; he's the only character in the film that elicts genuine pathos. Still, it's a bit galling that it took the MCU Spider-Man three movies to do a lazy rehash of Peter's origin story. There is no reason to put up with this crap when the Spider-Verse movies are doing the multiverse concept with infinitely more charm and flair.

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

They put the trailer for one of the DTV sequels on this website, and it looks surreal. Like, there's four different movies, each one from a different genre, mashed into that trailer. My mind has been broken.

Lisa is the greatest Ghibli character. Lisa is who I aspire to live up to. She's doing her best for her family, and clearly loves them, but is also dissatisfied with her current living conditions. Despite all of this, she tries to do her best. It is the character of Lisa that grounds the surreal fantasy world of Ponyo in a human element. To those who dismiss this as the "Bad Miyazaki", I say PONYO HUG! *glomp*

Stunning film. The narrative is treading on similar ground that films such as Princess Mononoke have already explored, but it's rendered with a level of sincerity and visual intentiveness that few films achieve. In particular, the way that the loosely-penciled forests are contrasted with the bold, blocky towns-buildings is a highpoint for Cartoon Saloon's artistry. It's also wonderfully acted and richly scored; the remix of "Running With The Wolves" has been on my Spotify repeats since I saw the film in theaters. It's criminal that this didn't win Best Animated Feature.

Normally I wouldn't grouse about critics giving passes to a movie that I didn't like. One the other hand, it is very hypocritical to bash the Emoji Movie and Space Jam 2 for being corporate free-for-alls, and yet let Ralph Breaks the Internet off the hook. I mean, come'on! There are so many scathing review titles you could write! Examples: "Ralph Breaks the Internet: What a Wreck." "It's Game Over For Wreck-It Ralph." "Ralph 2 Is In Need Of A Hard Reboot." "Ralph Breaks His Character." "Ralph Breaks the Internet: As Timely As It's Title." "As The Only Disney Film Named After Kim Kardashian's Tush, Ralph 2 Lives Up To It's Namesake." "Just A Worthless Sequel On A Pile of Bricks!" See, that wasn't hard!

A significant step up from the first Rebuild. Rather than simply remaking the story of the TV show, You Can (Not) Advance instead decides to branch off and forge its own path. In this iteration of Eva, the characters have been subtly de-edged, and the movie spends more time exploring the characters interactions with one another than the show did. It also puts it's movie budget to good use, creating a vision of sci-fi Tokyo that feels more fleshed out than the show could ever depict. With that said, the film still has a lot of issues. Important characters from the show are either heavily-reduced or non-existent. The gross fanservice from the show is even more prominent in the movie, which feels inexcusable for a 2009 release. There is a new character named Mari who has no discernable function. And although the film does find new angles to explore the characters, it still feels rushed in favor of the overarching sci-fi plot, as well as setting up threads for the future movies to pay off. Overall, 2.0 is an enjoyable enough sit, but it doesn't quite manage to justify the Rebuilds existence. I'm of the contrarian opinion that 3.0 is a significant step up.

If there is any book series that would be best suited to a Ghibli adaptation, it would be Ursula Le Guin's Earthsea cycle. Initially skeptical of giving her material to any filmmaker, Le Guin changed her mind after watching films such as My Neighbor Totoro and Spirited Away. Afterwards, she allowed Hayao Miyazaki to adapt her work. However, conflict arose when Mamoru Hosoda was booted off the director's chair for Howl's Moving Castle, forcing Hayao to take over that film's production. Thus, Earthsea was handed off to Hayao's son, Goro, a landscaper who had never made a film up until that point. While there hasn't been a lot of information about the film's production, it seems like it was greatly troubled. At the grand premiere, Hayao Miyazaki walked out halfway through the film to take a smoke, saying, "I feel like I was in there for three hours." On one hand, it's easy to accuse him of being disrespectful to his son. On the other hand, if I had to sit through Tales From Earthsea, I would also have walked out. The plot is a strange mash-up of the third and fourth books (Arren going on a quest with Sparrowhawk, Tenar raising the disfigured Therru on a farm) with elements from the first two books thrown in. There are also strange new additions, such as Arren killing his own father, a plot thread that is never clearly explained. The result of all this tinkering is a film that feels simultaneously overstuffed and empty, throwing numerous fantasy tropes at the screen but never stopping to give the characters interiority, or to flesh out the world of Earthsea. Compounding issues is the film's direction. It is obvious that Goro has never directed a film before. The film is unevenly paced, and most of the film is flatly-staged scenes of characters rattling off exposition, rather than depicting anything through visuals. The attempts to mimic Hayao or Takahata's moments of quiet come across as lethargic. And most of the animation is uncharacteristically stiff and stilted for a Ghibli production. (Plus, most of the characters have been whitewashed from their book counterparts.) All of these issues compound one another, giving the movie Phantom Menace vibes. The only real successes of the film are it's lovely naturalistic backdrops, and the music by Temiya Terashima. There is a song in the middle of the movie that, while bafflingly out of place, is nice to listen to. Pretty can only take the movie so far, though, especially when there are many Ghibli movies that are just as attractive, if not more so. Despite all of this, I still want Ghibli to take another stab at adapting Earthsea. The themes and world of the books are so well-suited to Ghibli's output that, despite this botched attempt, I would want them to have another go at it.

This is the first Rebuild movie to justify the series existence. In the prior movie, Shinji seemed to find happiness in performing a big anime-hero moment. 3.0 undercuts that moment by saying, "It's not that easy." It's also the first Rebuild to slow down and actually explore the emotions of its characters. In the middle section, we get some lovely interactions between Shinji and Korawu (including an exquisitely-animated abstract piano sequence), feeling like the unfulfilled promise of the show's 23rd episode. Terrible action scenes.

It is widely known that this movie was a money laundering scheme. But even if you didn't know that beforehand, you could probably figure it out by watching the movie, which resembles a Sims-tie in game more than something you'd see on the big screen.

Hikaru Utada's album "One Last Kiss" has become my emotional kryptonite. Just playing the first ten seconds of the album reduces me to waterworks. Oh, and the movie's pretty good too. With that said, Shin Godzilla remains Hideaki Anno's best film.

This is supposedly a movie dealing with superhero regulation, but instead of exploring it in any way, the filmmakers just move their characters into empty, gray parking lots. If there's anything you hate about the MCU as a franchise, it is prominently featured in Civil War.

Why is he called the "Good" dinosaur? That would imply that all other dinosaurs are bad, yet we see that clearly isn't the case. What did the green boii do to earn his title?!?! I DEMAND TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!!

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

One of the most underrated Ghibli movies. The all-digital comic aesthetic is enticing, and feels like a dry run for Princess Kaguya. It combines the human introspection of films like Only Yesterday with a light sense of humor that stands out among the Ghibli canon.

It's interesting to watch this and the video game episode of Paranoia Agent back to back, and see how Satoshi Kon adapted the ideas of this film into a different medium.

*singing* I want to ride my **** of the theater. It's been three years since I watched this movie, and in the intervening time I've never even considered listening to a Queen song. I will rhapsodize no longer.

The titular Ocean Waves only show up for three minutes. Also, this is the only Ghibli movie with a boob-jiggle shot.

Kids: Grandma, can we watch Kiki's Delivery Service? Grandma: We have Kiki's Delivery Service at home. Kids: ...

[SPOILER ALERT: This review contains spoilers.]

Down with Mater and Sally! Throw them into the Wall-E trash compactors! They are meant to be the heart and soul of the movie, yet they only serve as a glimpse of the empty black void that is at the center of Cars (2006).

The Goro/Hayao relationship is just like Evangelion, except instead of causing a global apocalypse, Goro made Ghibli's first CGI movie. About on par with Veggietales in terms of visual quality. Hell, you're better off watching a Veggietales movie instead.