JohnsonStJonson

"Always bet on black"-Wesley Snipes. I feel this quote captures my sentiments towards this game perfectly. The setting of the game is pretty confusing, even if you have seen the LOTR movies 30 times(I haven't, but I know some of you nerds have). All questions of plot are lost when your eyes glimpse the sexy figure of our hero, your playable character. He doesn't have customizable features, which is probably a good thing because the populace of the game would run screaming from your ugly mug. The gameplay lasts around 15-20 hours. If you're a LOTR fanboy/fangirl(shout out to the honeys), there is enough LoTR content to keep you entertained solely on that aspect. The game is probably more of a hard 8 because it helped me get through the divorce of my wife. Actually, if you read this babe, I want you back. "The heart wants what it wants wawants wawants wawants"- lyrical genius Selena Gomez

My stepkids were home for the summer so I bought this game to drown out the sound of them asking me to play outside. If humans were meant to play outside, then why did Al Gore invent the internet. Think about it. Dadgum nerds. Anyways, Summer is the most overrated season. 7/10.

I don't believe in ghosts, but i saw a ghost when I played this game. The ghost of old man jenkins telling me i was not #1. Frick. Why did Squidward's dreams have to die, I believed in him so much. Life goes on I suppose. SQUAAAAAA

This game reminds me of my ex wife, in that it can be super confusing but I'm still drawn to it sexually. Unlike my ex wife, it is really funny and entertains for more than 10 minutes. There is about 10 hours of gameplay here. The combat can be repetitive, but who really cares if you're having fun. The main downside to this game are the "puzzles" you must solve to progress in the came. To be honest, I'm still stuck in the Water Temple from Ocarina of Time, so I'm not exactly a stud when it comes to puzzles in video games. Much like Forrest Gump, I am not a smart man. Unlike Forrest Gump, my wife doesn't have AIDS lolol.... because I don't have a wife anymore. Anyways, my 2-year-old stepson must be a friggin genius because he helped me through the puzzle parts of Guacamelee. In summation, this game is pretty good, but didn't hold my attention like it did for other individuals. It's probably a good thing because I need to get started on my taxes. Oh shoot, it's already June 17?! Oh wait, I have no income so it doesn't even matter. Hah! **** it IRS 6/10

The woman's voice is DADGUM fine. If i was basing this review solely based on how attracted I am to the narrator, it be an easy 10. But, alas, the game itself was much like my favorite scene from The Notebook- the ending. Lol I'm just kidding, every scene in The Notebook is cinematic perfection. They should remake it starring me and the narrator gal from Ether One. Ether one is the kid that got picked last in kickball. It's slow, weird, and keeps getting out of gym class because he's got a note from his mom. To be honest, I was that kid, BUT LOOK AT ME NOW. Once Metacritic starts paying me for these reviews, I'm gonna be set for life. Anyways, overlooking my sexual attraction to the narrator, there is really no reason to play Ether one. If you told me you enjoyed playing it, I would stop hanging out with you. Unless you're a hot chick, because in that case I would play this game all the dadgum time and I would enjoy it too. In summation, avoid like that dude in your Crossfit class that keeps winking at you. 1/10

"The moment we stop fighting for each other, that's when we lose our humanity"-dumb quote from the iconic movie "2012". CounterSpy is like a fully grown shark in that it can kill you in one swift strike, and yet I am still sexually attracted to it. No wait, that's my ex wife. In my defense, I didn't know being a stripper didn't come with a medical plan. Anyways, CounterSpy is fun for about 10 hours if you fully play thru the game. I don't know if there is a multiplayer option because I don't have anyone to play it with. My stepson(who was left to me by previously mentioned stripper wife) says to say that I am a nerd. He's kind of a bully, but I guess it's just a phase that 2-year-olds go through. CounterSpy is fun for 10 hours, so if that's worth the price of the game to you, then go for it. CounterSpy is the equivalent of how hot i think my ex wife is when I've had no less than 20 shots of whiskey, an 8/10.

My mom gave me $80 for my birthday. On my way to the brothel, a man offered this game in exchange for all $80. I decided it was a good deal since he had a long kitchen knife pointed at my chest. Needless to say, I was essentially forced into this game. The gameplay itself isn't super great and you find that the collection of weapons is almost meaningless by the end of the game. The real value of the Last of Us lies in its storytelling. It puts your morals on spin cycle and presents them to you at the end of the game, changed from what they were before. It makes us all long for someone special to be with, even if it means the end of the world as we know it. That was a quote from the movie 2012 btw. You either love it or you hate it, much like my Dad-Bod. My Yeti cooler and case of Natty Lights make me the perfect target for the floozy 4-5's who wear too much makeup. In Summation, buy this game. If you do, maybe Ellen Page will return my love letters. 10/10

This game, like a newborn child, takes some time getting used to. Fortunately, it takes 27 less years to adjust to ToG. While I'm on the subject, why doesn't my dadgum son get a job. Metacritic doesn't pay me enough to support the both of us. In retrospect, probably shouldn't have married an Atlantic City stripper. Just give this game 30 minutes of your life and it will reel you in. I spent around 10 hours playing it so it took up almost half of my day. I had a wedding to go to, but what did my sister ever do for me anyway. In summation, dis game aight. 5/10.

THE HOOK!!! gotcha ****. My relationship with this game started off on rocky terms as it was not the game I intended to buy. I must have gotten the football/fútbol translation mixed up, but it's all good because I came out with a gem. The Franchise mode for the game is simple, yet sensual. The online play is my favorite part, but I still can't seem to find my favorite team to play with. I guess putting Manchester United in the game would've been an unfair advantage against the other teams. In Summation, I get a tingly feeling in my clavicle when I get a hit, so 9/10. Would've been 10/10 if the Marlins had those Latina cheerleaders.